“I know a lot of tits, guv-nah. But I don’t know any quite as fucking stupid as these two.”
New York Knicks 22-60Sol and Vinny's aborted robbery of the bookies is allegory for the Knicks. I can't even look at their roster because I treasure the continued use of my eyes.
Fellas, I've shown more respect to a woman with my left nut. Pearl necklaces rule.
Oh, and Cablevision blows. Doucehbag.
“What’s wrong with this one?”
[Turkish pulls the caravan door off its hinges]
“Oh nothing, Tommy. It’s tip-top. It’s just I’m not sure about the color.”
Indiana Pacers: 33-49This team was once a brand-spanking new caravan. It looked like one and smelled like one. It had working air conditioning, power windows, and enough space to run an illegal boxing operation. Now? It's siding has been stained by the smoke from sausages cooking over a barbecue, the floor is askew because one of its tires has deflated, its doors are falling off, and pinups of lewd women have destroyed any semblance of décor.
Jermaine O'Neal is playing with one arm and the rest of their roster looks worse than the Cleveland Cavaliers minus Lebron. I think we can all thank Ron Artest for single-handedly authoring this nightmare. It's time to start over when there are 8 white dudes on the roster (including, the younger Mike Dunleavy).
“I fail to see the correlation between losing 10k, hospitalizing Gorgeous, and a ‘good deal’.”
Philadelphia 76ers: 37-45
Losing the sole prizefighter you manage and buying a broken caravan in the same outing is somewhat less humiliating than trading Allen Iverson for Andre Miller and a jaunty vaudeville song and dance. The inept personnel management for the past 5 years (at least) is harrowing.
Regardless, it couldn't happen to a better city. Cheers, Philadelphia. You deserve to have Shavlik Randolph and Kevin Ollie on your team. I hope you enjoy watching Andre Iguodala try to complete a 720-degree dunk in a game the Sixers are losing by 40 points.
Oh, and if I'm going to wait on a 35-minute line for a cheesesteak, it shouldn't be fair to average and taste like its been microwaved. You suck.
“It turns out that the sweet-talkin’, tattoo-sportin’ pikey was gypsy bare-knuckle boxing champion. Which makes him ‘arder than a coffin nail.”
San Antonio Spurs: 60-22
I like Tim Duncan. He says all the right things and he's one of the best players in the league…ever. And I really appreciated the incident with Joey Crawford and that the NBA suspended their own official as a way of apologizing to him for the ejection. They can't beat the Suns though. Tony Parker has better chance of going platinum in Belgium. Also, I think the rest of the league is starting to get tired of Manu and Bowen. It's only a matter of time before they both get sucker-punched. I strongly believe that Mike Dunleavy, Jr. is the man for the job.
Jermaine O'Neal is playing with one arm and the rest of their roster looks worse than the Cleveland Cavaliers minus Lebron. I think we can all thank Ron Artest for single-handedly authoring this nightmare. It's time to start over when there are 8 white dudes on the roster (including, the younger Mike Dunleavy).
“I fail to see the correlation between losing 10k, hospitalizing Gorgeous, and a ‘good deal’.”
Philadelphia 76ers: 37-45Losing the sole prizefighter you manage and buying a broken caravan in the same outing is somewhat less humiliating than trading Allen Iverson for Andre Miller and a jaunty vaudeville song and dance. The inept personnel management for the past 5 years (at least) is harrowing.
Regardless, it couldn't happen to a better city. Cheers, Philadelphia. You deserve to have Shavlik Randolph and Kevin Ollie on your team. I hope you enjoy watching Andre Iguodala try to complete a 720-degree dunk in a game the Sixers are losing by 40 points.
Oh, and if I'm going to wait on a 35-minute line for a cheesesteak, it shouldn't be fair to average and taste like its been microwaved. You suck.
“It turns out that the sweet-talkin’, tattoo-sportin’ pikey was gypsy bare-knuckle boxing champion. Which makes him ‘arder than a coffin nail.”
I like Tim Duncan. He says all the right things and he's one of the best players in the league…ever. And I really appreciated the incident with Joey Crawford and that the NBA suspended their own official as a way of apologizing to him for the ejection. They can't beat the Suns though. Tony Parker has better chance of going platinum in Belgium. Also, I think the rest of the league is starting to get tired of Manu and Bowen. It's only a matter of time before they both get sucker-punched. I strongly believe that Mike Dunleavy, Jr. is the man for the job.
[Tyrone backs into Franky Four Fingers’ van]
“I didn’t see it there.”
“It’s a four-ton truck Tyrone. It’s not as if it’s a packet of peanuts, is it?”
“It was a funny angle.”
“It’s behind you, Tyrone. Whenever you reverse, things come from behind you.”
“Look, you ‘assle me, you see what happens.”
Milwaukee Bucks: 43-41
When I saw that the Chinese government would only let Yi Jianlian play for 1 of 6 teams that they had hand-picked, I was ecstatic. I knew the Bucks were interested in drafting him and I was concerned about them blowing the 6th pick in the draft on a mediocre player. After this press release, I thought there would be no way that they would be stupid enough to draft him. Wrong. I applaud management for taking a stand against the Reds, but I think the way to do so is to nurture domestic industry and provide incentives to our manufacturers to keep their plants here. Instead, Milwaukee drafted Yi and I was forced to read about the Bucks management getting on their hands and knees to bribe the Chinese government to allow him to play for us. If you don't think there was graft involved in that agreement then you don't know a lot about Communism.
“I didn’t see it there.”
“It’s a four-ton truck Tyrone. It’s not as if it’s a packet of peanuts, is it?”
“It was a funny angle.”
“It’s behind you, Tyrone. Whenever you reverse, things come from behind you.”
“Look, you ‘assle me, you see what happens.”
Milwaukee Bucks: 43-41When I saw that the Chinese government would only let Yi Jianlian play for 1 of 6 teams that they had hand-picked, I was ecstatic. I knew the Bucks were interested in drafting him and I was concerned about them blowing the 6th pick in the draft on a mediocre player. After this press release, I thought there would be no way that they would be stupid enough to draft him. Wrong. I applaud management for taking a stand against the Reds, but I think the way to do so is to nurture domestic industry and provide incentives to our manufacturers to keep their plants here. Instead, Milwaukee drafted Yi and I was forced to read about the Bucks management getting on their hands and knees to bribe the Chinese government to allow him to play for us. If you don't think there was graft involved in that agreement then you don't know a lot about Communism.
That said, I do like this team on paper and they may even make the playoffs. Bobby Simmons will be the Comeback Player of the Year and Williams, Redd, and Villanueva give them some teeth, but talent-wise, this is a team that's built to plateau around above-average.
“Why do they call him the ‘Bullet-Dodger’?”
“Because he dodges bullets, Avi.”
Denver Nuggets 52-30And this is why Allen Iverson is the Answer. 28-6-4-2 and 165 of pounds of perpetual motion. A delight to watch, even during the 58% of the shots that he misses. He and 'Melo lead the darkhorse through the West if Kenyon Martin and Marcus Canby can stay healthy.
If they get hot, they can surpass Dallas or San Antonio and make it to the Conference Finals.
“So, you are obviously the big dick. The men on the side of ya are your balls. There are two types of balls. Big brave balls, and mincy faggot balls….Now dicks have drive and clarity of vision, but they are not clever. They smell pussy and they want a piece of the action. And you thought you smelled some good ol’ pussy and have brought your two mincy faggot balls along for a good ol’ time. But you’ve got your parties mangled up. There’s no pussy here, just a dose that’ll make you wish you were born a woman. Like a prick, you’re having second thoughts. You are shrinking, and your two little balls are shrinking with you. And the fact that you’ve got “REPLICA” written down the side of your gun, and the fact that I’ve got “DESERT EAGLE POINT FIVE OH” written down the side of mine, should precipitate your balls into shrinking, along with your presence. Now, FUCK OFF!”
Boston Celtics: 46-36
The hands-down best monologue in movie history.
Boston Celtics: 46-36The hands-down best monologue in movie history.
Pundits have anointed another famous troika in the East, while seeming to forget that the game played on the no-longer-parquet floors of Boston is still a team game. Be prepared to witness the redefinition of over-hyped. I'm tired of the bullshit and I refuse to be force-fed the Celtics return to eminence. You can't throw 3 thirtysomething All-Stars into the hopper and expect to hang a Conference Champions banner in the Fleet Center next fall. If that happened, everything we know about basketball is wrong. There are a lot of people that are going to have second-thoughts about this line up come May.
“Could you tell me why you’ve got a dead man with an arm missing in your boot? And look, is that a tea cozy on ‘is ‘ead?”
Washington Wizards: 50-32
Much has been made of Agent Zero's "bizarre" musings. The dude can ball and so can his team. The success that has eluded the Wizards on the court vanishes this year.
“Could you tell me why you’ve got a dead man with an arm missing in your boot? And look, is that a tea cozy on ‘is ‘ead?”
Washington Wizards: 50-32Much has been made of Agent Zero's "bizarre" musings. The dude can ball and so can his team. The success that has eluded the Wizards on the court vanishes this year.
Antwan Jamison, Caron Butler, and yes, DeShawn Stevenson, complement our friend nicely. Book 'em for the Eastern Conference Finals. You won't want to miss the ride or the commentary.
“You’re not goin’ anywhere ya tick-womp. Ya stay ‘til the job is done.”
Cleveland Cavaliers: 43-39Whatever the speculation about Bron-Bron's career after Cleveland (and there will be one), much of his legacy, for better or worse will be defined by our perception of him during his seminal years. We see no ceiling except for the one he constructs with his body language and his attitude and his failures. There is no such thing as unfair expectations in his case (and the fact that is unfair in itself is not relevant). He must drag this crew of NBDL players to a championship, or else he will be perceived as another Charles Barkley or a pre-Duncan David Robinson.
“You can keep the 10 grand, along wit' the body, but if I see you again…you MOTHERFUCKERS…well…look at him.”[Gestures at Franky Four Fingers, shot in the face, with a tea cozy covering his head and his right-arm hacked off at the elbow]
Utah Jazz: 41-41
The video is a beautiful characterization of Andrei's game the past couple years. And if you look closely you can see that his wife is in firm possession of his testicles.
Boris the Blade the Uzbekistanian and Andrei Kirilenko the Russian are mirrors of the societies of which they are a product. And like the Soviet Union and post-Yeltsin Russia, the only similarities between the two are that they were begat in the same misbegotten corner of the world. Kirilenko possesses the resources to become a dominant player. His tears during the playoffs and his willingness to leave $63 million of his contract on the table betray a frustrating inability to efficiently utilize them and the ultimate demise of his game. Psychologically, he gets in his own way, the perpetual black cloud overhead. The future always appears as bleak as the present. The Jazz, like Sol and Vinny, are stuck with a decaying corpse and in Russia, the road forks you.
Outside of Deron Williams and Carlos Boozer, there isn't much about this team to like. Mehmet Okur must prove that last year wasn't a fluke. They're not good enough to make the playoffs this year.
“Want me to get ‘im fer ya?”
“That’s a good lad.”
[Pikey lad doesn’t move]
“Well are you goin’ ta get him for me?”
“Yeah.”
“Well what’re ya waiting for?’
“The five quid you’re goin’ ta pay me.”
“Fuck off, I’ll find him me-self.”
“You’re a real tight fucker aren’t ya.”
Seattle Supersonics: 29-53
I don't care of it’s the worst lease in the NBA or if the Key Arena is the smallest venue. I am unmoved that you have to give a comparatively high amount of the team's revenue to the city of Seattle. It is irrelevant that you're hemorrhaging cash. The fans own the team and the team owns them. A billionaire that holds a franchise hostage is a harbinger of the guillotine and bloodied powdered wigs. Kevin Durant, bitches.
“Want me to get ‘im fer ya?”
“That’s a good lad.”
[Pikey lad doesn’t move]
“Well are you goin’ ta get him for me?”
“Yeah.”
“Well what’re ya waiting for?’
“The five quid you’re goin’ ta pay me.”
“Fuck off, I’ll find him me-self.”
“You’re a real tight fucker aren’t ya.”
Seattle Supersonics: 29-53I don't care of it’s the worst lease in the NBA or if the Key Arena is the smallest venue. I am unmoved that you have to give a comparatively high amount of the team's revenue to the city of Seattle. It is irrelevant that you're hemorrhaging cash. The fans own the team and the team owns them. A billionaire that holds a franchise hostage is a harbinger of the guillotine and bloodied powdered wigs. Kevin Durant, bitches.
“What should I call you? ‘Bullet’? ‘Tooth’?”
“You can call me Susan if it makes you happy.”
New Orleans Hornets: 36-46The odyssey from Charlotte to New Orleans to Oklahoma City to New Orleans has erased their identity from our minds. We know Grand-ma-ma, Zo, Mugsy, Kendall Gill, and Dell Curry played once, but the team they played for is extinct. Most of us confuse the new guys with the Bobcats. Wasn't Desmond Mason an All-Star for them?
Regardless of what we may think, NBA teams beware. Don't sleep on the Hornets. They're feisty. They'd be a playoff team in the East. Mo' Pete will have a career year. I don't watch basketball until the playoffs, but I'd watch Chris Paul play any day of the week. And they have enough veteran has-beens to make things interesting. Well, until the end of March, anyway.
“I will do you a favor, Mullet. I’ll not bash the livin’ fuck out of you in front of all your girlfriends ‘ere.”
[Bullet-Tooth Tony grabs Mullet’s tie, pulls his head into his car window, rolls up the window to trap Mullet's head in the car, and proceeds to drive down the road]
“Comfortable, Mullet? It seems it sadly ironic that it’s that tie that’s got you in this pickle.”
New Jersey Nets: 41-41Vince Carter was signed by the Nets for the sole purpose of delivering an NBA championship. He was supposed to save basketball in the Meadowlands. They'll never win with Vince in town. He puts up some numbers, sure.
Maybe it's the Toronto debacle that poisoned my perception of him. Maybe it's because it seems that he disappears in big games. And I have no proof of this, but I hold him personally responsible for stunting the evolution of Richard Jefferson's potential into real game. His contract has left the Nets with an aging roster that is a J-Kidd broken wrist away from looking like the New York Knicks. Good thing we're used to trash on this side of the Hudson, too.
“Hare coursin’ is when they set two lurchers – they’re dogs before you ask – on a hare. And the hare has to outrun the dogs.”
“So what if it doesn’t?”
“Well the big rabbit gets fucked, doesn’t it?”
“Proper fucked?”
“Yeah, Tommy, before zee Germans get there.”
Phoenix Suns: 66-16
And the big rabbit will get proper fucked because nobody can run with these lurchers. It'll be easier than we think and it'll be nice to see Grant Hill win a championship. Anyone that thinks the Spurs or the Mavs can beat these guys spends a lot of time fellating the Dooze and playing grab-ass with his friends, J-Bug and JackO.
“Hare coursin’ is when they set two lurchers – they’re dogs before you ask – on a hare. And the hare has to outrun the dogs.”
“So what if it doesn’t?”
“Well the big rabbit gets fucked, doesn’t it?”
“Proper fucked?”
“Yeah, Tommy, before zee Germans get there.”
Phoenix Suns: 66-16And the big rabbit will get proper fucked because nobody can run with these lurchers. It'll be easier than we think and it'll be nice to see Grant Hill win a championship. Anyone that thinks the Spurs or the Mavs can beat these guys spends a lot of time fellating the Dooze and playing grab-ass with his friends, J-Bug and JackO.
You have to go through 7 players before you hit their real bench. They will beat teams inside and outside and everything in between. The defense hasn't been created that can stop Amare Stoudemire, Steve Nash, Shawn Marion, and Boris Diaw at the same time. This is a potential top-10 team historically.
*I look forward to hearing how inaccurate and erroneous this preview will be in April.
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