Fuck Bret Michaels: This Rose has no thorns

My beloved Chicago Bulls were growing stranger and stranger to me by the minute this past year. We fired Scott Skiles before New Years Eve. We traded for Drew Gooden and Larry Hughes at the deadline. We made a late “surge” but failed to qualify for the play-in game (which the Hawks were clearly more prepared for). We lost the Mike D’Antoni bidding war to an organization that is currently undertaking a historically miserable run for a franchise in ANY sport. In fact, an hour before the lottery my fraternity brother and rare remaining true Bulls fan “Relatively Big Mike” Wagoner sent me a rundown of our odds with his take:

No. 1: 1.70%
No. 2: 2.00%
No. 3: 2.40%
No. 9: 81.34%
No. 10: 12.18%
No. 11: 0.38%
No. 12: 0.0024%

Back in the lottery. Sick.

I wrote back verbatim:

Dude, after we missed out on D'Antoni, I'm conviced we're gunna end up with Kosta Koufos and head back down the totem pole. I'm going to frame my "twirling towels" from Games 3 and 4 of last year's Conference Semis because it might be the last time we play in games that meaningful for a long time.

Sad clown tears,

AK

Needless to say, we’ve spent the better part of the evening trading Beasley vs. Rose emails. I haven’t been this excited since the moments leading up to Game 1 of the NLDS last fall.

So which way am I leaning? Well, here is the God’s honest truth. When they opened the envelope, my first reaction was, “Holy Shit, we CAN GET DERRICK ROSE”. My second thought was to call Wags and Dirty and scream nonsensical phrases in or around my phone. Once the initial madness had subsided, I thought, “I suppose we COULD get Michael Beasley since our frontcourt has been our Achilles heel for the past three seasons”. This is when I realized, this will be the second longest month of my basketball life (the first being the month directly following MJ's first retirement).

Benny can attest, I’ve got an unhealthy love for athletic point guards, scrambling quarterbacks in Madden and scrappy middle infielders with high OBPs. These aren't biases, but rather personal preferences.

Another factor: I’ve been watching and rooting for Derrick Rose since his days at Simeon HS in the Chicago Public League. They played his games on local (as well as national) TV and it looked like he was playing on fast forward while everyone else was set on regular speed. The kid was born to play basketball. He’s from the streets of Chicago. He’s tough. He’s a winner. I could go on-and-on referencing vague minutia that you already know, but lemme cite two games in particular that I watched last year which made me love Derrick Rose:

Memphis-Tennessee (Feb. 23rd)

9-16 from the field, 23 points, 5 rebounds, 5 assists, 4 steals.

I know Memphis lost this game (one of two all season) but Rose showed me a lot in his second half performance. Here’s the thing that stuck with me, he was the only Memphis Tiger out there at crunch time willing to take and make big shots. Check out this GameLog and scroll down to 9:05 left in the second half when Rose misses two free throws. He takes over that game and is the ONLY reason that game was even close down the stretch.

Memphis-Texas (March 30th)

7-10 from the field, 21 points, 6 rebounds, 9 assists, 2 turnovers.

It wasn’t so much the offensive production or passing that I appreciated about this performance, it was how he SHUT DOWN the consensus second best point guard in the country in D.J. Augustin. This was an Elite Eight game and Rose held him to 4-18 shooting, 3 assists and 4 turnovers. Augustin only had more turnovers than assists in 4 of their 38 previous games last season. It was truly a complete game for Derrick (we're on a first name basis in my mind).

Now, I understand that Michael Beasley is a tremendous player and will be a great professional. But the City of Chicago has been waiting for a moment like this, to take the unconventional wisdom (always take the big guy) and cram it. Gun to your head, a potential Deron Williams/Chris Paul or a likely Elton Brand. If you worry about things like “we already have a point guard” then you obviously are missing something vital. This is a lottery team for a reason. Shuffle the deck, move Duhon, move Hughes, acquire role players, court the high profile coaches still out there, make some bold choices. Derrick Rose surrounded by savvy front office moves is a recipe that could very well lead to an Eastern Conference Finals appearance before his rookie contract is up. I’m a homer, I’m a Chicagoan, I love the feel of this whole thing. It’s fate. I’m going to spend the next month flooding John Paxson’s inbox with pro-Rose statistics and impassioned emails from the heart. Michael Beasley isn’t Sam Bowie, but not drafting Derrick Rose for the character of the city looking forward to embracing him, could spell the same foul fate.

The Beautiful Art of the Sports Video Montage

If I lived in a world in which the pursuit of capital and the inch-by-inch, day-by-day grunt and crawl through the muck and filth of a white collar office job was not a requisite for maintaining the existence that has evolved over the course my life, there are three pursuits that would be my occupation. Yes, this is my Peter Gibbons moment. As Donny has already attested, skippering an inlet charter fishing boat and designing, constructing, and operating a 21-and-over natural grass miniature golf course have been dreams of ours for years, our light at the end of the tunnel and our Oz.

The last pursuit would be splicing and recording video montages of sports highlights set to music.

Now tell me, is there anything that can heighten our love of sports as much as a well-crafted video of meaningful athletic moments accompanied by just-the-right song? It can raise the hair on our bodies, transport our stomachs to our throats, moisten the corners of our eyes, and get our dander up on gameday.

What follows is a collection of videos of the most well-done video montages that I was able to find on YouTube for each of the major sports. Enjoy.

Soccer

This is a compilation of the top-50 goals ever scored. Set to a techno beat with a solo string instrument (a vibe that we've become used to on EA Sports' FIFA games), this is a rapid-fire compilation of some of the slickest touches that have filled the ol' onion bag. I'm especially interested to hear from Dirty his take on the order and any notable omissions. Here is a different top-50 video set to a faster beat, but slower in presentation.

Hockey

This is a surprisingly enjoyable compilation of the top-20 goals ever scored in hockey, which for several reasons doesn't get much attention anymore. Set to Fatboy Slim's "Right Here, Right Now" the fluiditiy of the clips nicely complement Mr. Cook's instrumentals.

Baseball

It appears that the fascists over at Major League Baseball have done a wonderful job of preventing people from uploading historical and contemporary highlights to the Internet because an hour of searches yieled nothing of substance. Thanks, Bud Selig, once again your masterful stewardship of America's pastime is without parallel. To compensate, here are some truly amazing amateur defensive web gems.

Basketball

Because it is professionally done and annually highlights the greatest moment of the greatest American tournament, the "One Shining Moment" video has to be the hands-down best basketball montage. The late, great Luther Vandross' voice has sung over this alternately slo-motion/real-time feature for more than 10 years and it always captures the pageantry, excitement, heartbreak, and triumph of March Madness. I was disconcerted to see a real dearth in quality NBA videos (either the wrong song or poor quality footage), but just over 3 minutes of Air can do anyone some good.

Football

NFL Films deserves much of the credit for originating and honing the video montage into a truly exceptional art. Though John Facenda's spoken, baritone backed powerfullyby horns, trumpets, and drums and poetically by string pieces, is representative of NFL history and lore, I've opted for this house/trance music punctuated by occassional piano solos in a video that highlights some of the greatest hits and runs in NFL history. It makes my loins quiver for training camp. Also, if the Packers would have played this video at halftime of the NFC Championship Game, I can almost guarantee that they wouldn't have lost.

BONUS

When I first saw this video in the first 3 hours of the new millenium, I staggered home to make sure that that my VHS taping of the "Sportscenter of the Century" was still recording. Capturing the most unforgettable visual impressions left by sports in the 1900s, I still make a point of watching it every few months. Professionally done, the song choice of Aerosmith's "Dream On" is absolutely perfect. This is the ideal of the sports video montage.

A Chicago 3-pack: D'Antoni, Benson and Guillen

Noise coming out of Bristol today indicates that the Bulls are just a few shuffles of paper away from locking Mike D’Antoni up as their head coach. I’ve respected the man since his success started with the Suns during the 2004-05 season, but since then it’s grown based on his service to Team USA and his international style of offensive X's and O's. The more I read about Mike D’Antoni, the more I like him.

Did you know that as a player he was the greatest point guard in Italian basketball history? Kobe was living there as a child and recognized D’Antoni as his favorite player (even adopting his #8 when he came to the Lakers). He’s had coaching success in Italy as well as the NBA and it seems like a real solid step in the right direction if his basketball theory lands in the Windy City.

The Bulls will still be paying a buyout of Scott Skiles contract to the tune of $4 million next year, but what this team needs is a confident, tested leader. When you bring in an assistant coach with upside like Tom Thibodeau of the Celtics, you never know if you’ll be getting a Lovie Smith or a Dick Jauron (wha-wha-whaaaa). Bottomline, if you look at the Bulls roster and deselect some of the undesirable team-concept guys (Duhon, Hughes), modify roles of uber-athletic guys who want to run (Thomas, Deng, Sefolosha), transform the slashers into sharpshooters (Gordon, Nocioni) and perhaps rejuvenate a point guard gone sideways (Hinrich) then this might be a palatable team next year. In my opinion, none of that happens without D’Antoni's offensive schemes.



It’s no secret that I’m a Thomas Jones fan. It’s also no secret that I’m not wild about Cedric Benson. These two factors shouldn’t preclude me from having a rational reaction to Benson’s recent run-in with the law, but they almost did. Let me explain.

Cedric Benson has presented himself as a malcontent on Chicago sportstalk radio, he’s been prickly and presumptious about his playing time and done very few things to endear himself to Bears fans once he got the starting nod. This being said, after my initial knee-jerk reaction of disgust and disappointment (in the wake of Clemens hubris that denial shall ultimately exonerate you) has changed in the passing days. The fact that he didn’t get breathalized onboard but deemed drunk, the fact that his parents were onboard, the fact that he is earnestly pleading his case which seems plausible (unlike Clemens) have all added up to something of an interesting situation for me. Now, do I think he was drunk? I have no idea. Do I think Benson was “nothing but cooperative”? Again, it’s hard to say. However, if I’ve learned one thing from watching countless Cops marathons in my youth, it’s that the moment a black guy asks a question or seeks an explanation with any iota of hostility in his voice, officers immediately break out the tasers and billy clubs. This is how it works.

I hope Cedric Benson gets a fair trial and I hope Matt Forte can run the ball. Wow, I just read that last sentence and I can’t believe the Bears were in the Super Bowl a mere 15 months ago.



Ozzie Guillen has been a lifelong member of the White Sox family. He played there, he manages there and he won a World Series there so I can understand his vitriol for the Cubs. I really can, shit, some times I get sick of all the fluff and national attention we get. When ESPN did a Cubs/Mets game two weeks ago, there were about 30 instances where the announcers slurped Wrigley Field or Friendly Confines Faithful. It’s obnoxious, ongoing and I can honestly understand why other fan bases HATE us.

That being said, Ozzie Guillen is a whinny, frustrated, self-promoting jagoff who thinks his shit doesn’t stink because he’s “a baseball man”. He’s so super sensitive about what the Chicago media prints about him, yet he’s always so brash and disrespectful. I recall during their World Series year when a reporter asked him about an upcoming tilt with their cross-town rivals, he’s waved his hand and said dismissively, “Fuck the Cubs. Why should I care about them?”. Ozzie picks fights with local columnist Jay Mariotti which really only sells issues of the Sun Times and lowers him to Jay’s level (which is pretty fucking low if you’ve ever read him). He cites the anniversary of the Lee Elia tirade but as always misses the point. He demands respect, but he doesn't understand that respect is earned and ultimately comes off like on of those drunk people on The Real World. I’m generally of the mind that whatever you give people, they will return. If you treat others with kindness and respect, for the most part, that’s exactly what you’ll get back. Ozzie claims the Chicago media is fickle, unfairly favors the Cubs and doesn’t give the White Sox respect.

Well Ozzie, that’s probably because they write what you give them.