Athletes and Hip-Hop: Why Just Because You Can, Doesn't Mean You Should

Kobe Bryant

NOTE: THIS VIDEO HAS SINCE DISABLED EMBEDDING, IT CAN NOW BE VIEWED HERE

Now, I want to make one thing perfectly clear before we get to the lyrical stylings of Kobe Bean Bryant... I like this song... on many levels... I actually bought this single in high school because I thought Brian McKnight was smoothest, most righteous R&B singer in the game. I don't listen to that genre of music anymore, but I still feel that way. Now, the point when this song switches gears and becomes completely stupefying is at the 2:40 mark. Kobe emotes:

Your love's a sword slicing gently through my body
Burn so sweet, blood boils when you speak (yeah)
Makes me weak but I refuse to weep
Yet when I sleep I feel tears tricklin' down my cheek (c'mon)
Stay strong, pride telling me move on
My heart's fightin' me, forcin' me to hold on
Yours forever, fell for you beyond measure
Pure as ever, fazed by sins of treasure

The verse almost serves as an afterthought to the entire song. It's as if Kobe showed up at the studio, ready to spit a traditional 16 bar verse and after the first couple of takes a distraught Brian McKnight telecomed in from the mixing room, "Hey big guy, no no no, it's all good stuff, but, and I'm just spit-balling here, why don’t we just shorten it to your first eight lines and see how that plays."

Some great moments: Brian McKnight putting on a dunking display (incase you missed his skills during his multiple Rock N' Jock appearances), Kobe "talking with his hands", the referees/dancers inexplicably ripping off their tops, Kobe mouthing "what" once he's done with his verse (minus 20 hard-guy points for those keeping score at home).




Ben Gordon

[EDITORS NOTE: IT HAS RECENTLY COME TO OUR ATTENTION THAT THIS IS IN FACT A COMMERCIAL. OUR OFFICIAL POSITION IS... YEAH, BUT STILL] Um. Wow. I know. If you are a Bulls fan and you just watched that first time, it's time for a seat and some deep reflection. It's entirely too much to absorb right off the bat, you need time to digest what you just saw. Here's what I came up with after 20 minutes of gentle weeping, hidden away in my crawlspace... Professional athletes are the perfect storm of exorbitant celebrity, unmitigated hubris, constant image developing and droves of yes-men with access to recording studios. Now, we all know "that guy" who gets drunk and freestyles at the party. He almost instinctively tells himself that it's time to showcase his written rhymes after polishing off a twelve pack of Mickey's Big Mouths. That's fine. He's around friends and that private shame will only be known by those who witnessed it first hand. But sometimes, well, that guy has a nasty jump shot and he decides to rub some of his excess ducats together and cut a record. It shouldn't deter us from loving the way he plays basketball, but it should serve as a cautionary tale...


Some Great Moments: JUMPSHOTS! Breaking Newtons Law's/ Draining Balls/ Droppin' Jaws, BG casually marking up his rhymes with improvements at the studio, Push-ups?!?!?!, nodding white guys almost convincing themselves this isn't the worst flow they've ever heard.




Cedric Ceballos

"I don't give a damn WHO you play for, the Lakers, David Stern ain't out here, let's ball big boy." These are the immortal words of Ricky, the street smart, jive talking hoops hustler in... a Cherokee Parks jersey??? And that's only how it starts. As the video unfolds, we're treated to four minutes of the blandest hip hop ever. On top of that, the video is a cross between White Men Can't Jump and Skee Lo's "I Wish". Just let that marinate for a second. Now, I do have to admit that Warren G lends some minor credibility to this track (although Nate Dogg would have been better) and the flow Ced is laying down is disarmingly adequate if you're entering this endeavor with low expectations. However, upon further listening, it becomes painfully obvious that this is a second rate DJ Quik impression. As a lark, I looked up Ced's stats on basketballreference.com and was surprised to find that he averaged 21 ppg and 8 rpg while with the Lakers in 1994, being his one and only All-Star caliber year. Then I scrolled down and looked at the "Players with Similar Career's Statistically" section and saw the name Matt Harpring pop up more than once. That's when it all clicked for me. This song is the Matt Harpring of hip-hop songs.

Some Great Moments: Ricky's confusion as to whether he's supposed to be ripping off Sidney Dean or Mars Blackman, fully dressed "video ho's" (to use the parlance of our times) gyrating on the grandstand, MTV Veejay Allison Stewart's doppelganger asking Ced "How about a 68 and I owe you one?", "Flossin in my chevy with the wind in my hair/ But it's a westside thang, mic size thang/ Winnin battles ain't nuthin but a chicken wing/ I eat 'em one by one, good clean fun/ No need to bring a gun, come and get some."



Ron Artest

NOTE: THIS VIDEO HAS SINCE DISABLED EMBEDDING, IT CAN NOW BE VIEWED HERE

First of all, I think this piece had potential. If you remove the freestyling interludes and edit together a coherent take home message, this would actually be a redeeming social commentary. A heartfelt portrayal of urban street life. A first hand depiction of the dangers that exist in a very real and powerful way in the ghettos of America. Unfortunately, the freestyling portions remained and all you can think about while Ron is trying to say some real shit is, "What the fuck was that?!?"

I'm not making fun just for the sake of making fun here. I honestly do think Ron Artest (melee aside) is probably a largely underestimated and misunderstood dude based on his childhood and social disorders (in some way/shape/form). I think this video, more than anything, demonstrates that we all have demons which we must face. We must combat those things inside of us with our passions, those things we're willing to fight for, those things that make us feel whole. Luckly for us, Ron picked basketball and we benefit by witnessing his talent. Unfortunately, he also picked music.

Some Great Moments: All the freestyling, the sneaky way he compared himself to Bill Russell and MJ at the end of the video.


The 1985 Chicago Bears

Alright, there's a lot of ground to cover here. As human being, I'm aware that this production (while done in the mid-80's) is completely insane. It feels like they all lost a bet and decided, "What the hell? This is going to be painful so let's try and have a good time." As a Bears fan, I watch this with inexplicable amount of genuine awe at just how utterly perfect that team was on the field. When Sweetness, Singletary, Dent, etc are earnestly rapping into the microphone, all I can see are highlights and big games won. However, my mind usually wanders and starts wondering what if we put this into a time capsule - What would people in 2185 think of this? The answers I usually arrive at horrify me. Moving on...

I love that they made this during the 13th week of the season. What a bunch of cocky assholes. Can you imagine if that happened today? Mike and Mike (once the producers told them which sides they were arguing for/against) would have reoccurring conniption fits for months on end. Superbowl Shuffle ringtones would gradually chip away at our very being, destroying our will to live. It would embolden geeky white men everywhere to create tribute videos on YouTube. Basically, things would be up for grabs in the worst possible way. Thank God it's just a cheeky cultural reference instead of an insufferable piece of web junk, being attached and forwarded to every piece of outgoing mail.

Some Great Moments: Calvin Thomas "on" the Sax, Willie Gault's chocolate swirl (1:10), Mike Tomczak going WAY too far selling his rhythm guitar playing (2:52), Steve Fuller's stage presence reminding us all why he was a career backup quarterback (3:05), the two moments competing for "Most Awkward Dancing Ever Committed to Film" between (1:42) and (1:53), sticking the punter with the cowbell, the astounding whiteness of Gary Fencik (4:17), the fact that this song got nominated for a Grammy, I could go on and on...