Dissecting the Evil Empire

I was watching Return of the Jedi the other night and something occurred to me. Even if some people consider it the worst of the original trilogy, I really enjoy that movie. I understand that the Ewoks could be construed as tiny harbingers of lameness that paved the way for the likes of Jar-Jar Binks. But personally, I really liked the fact that the entire rebellion would have been sunk without them. To delve further into matters - without C3PO’s ability to communicate and bond with the Ewoks, the deflector shield would never be knocked out and that operational Death Star would completely wipe out the rebel alliance fleet. I appreciate that sort of story, because the Evil Empire never considered these things. It also made this exchange between Luke and the Emperor all the more poignant:

Luke: “Your overconfidence is your weakness.”

Emperor: “Your faith in your friends is yours.”

As it happened, Luke was exactly right and the Emperor was 100% wrong. The ultimate resolution to the entire Star Wars saga was entirely satisfying because the cocky-ass Empire shit the bed when it seemed like they had everything going for them. The scrappy underdogs used the force, some unlikely forest dwellers and a British-voiced droid to topple tyranny and oppression throughout the galaxy. EVERYONE likes that story. The little guy will always get public support, especially if faced with a perennial juggernaut. Let’s face it, there are a lot of real life sports applications of this principle: Duke basketball and their annoying ability to never get called for a blocking foul, Yankees baseball and their endless stream of money, Notre Dame football their obnoxious independent status and TV contract. Sports are full of these traditional Goliaths and every time they stumble, we obsessively rejoice. Why? Because fuck the Death Star, that’s why!

Exhibit A: The New York Yankees haven’t won a championship since the Subway Series of 2000. Since then, they’ve gone 686-445 (.607) in the regular season but only 30-32 (.484) in the postseason. Alex Rodriguez somehow is responsible, but any practical baseball man knows that while one player can win a series for you, one player alone cannot lose it for you. But the media loves thumping their chest and clicking their pens, “A-Rod and the Yankees choke again!” while the magazine and paper buying public eats it up. It’s wonderful bar fodder, as if it were custom-made for drunken arguments. The non-Yankee American public has become bold, hurling half-baked theories as to why this wealthy collection of playoff shoe-ins can’t get the job done. It’s this strange annual ballet of making a non-story into so much hype to be digested on a mass scale. If you transposed the above records with, say, the Minnesota Twins… would anyone care? Would people be jumping around with misbegotten joy every time they got bounced from the ALDS once again? No, the Twins would be considered a great ballclub that, for one reason or another, couldn’t seem to put it together in the postseason. There would be no reason to delve any further than that.

Exhibit B: Notre Dame football has the 2nd highest winning percentage in NCAA history (.744), second only to Michigan (.745). They are tied with USC for the most Heisman trophy winners at seven. As of the 2007 NFL Draft, there have been 459 Fighting Irish drafted into the NFL. The list goes on-and-on…

When I was young, my Dad taught me to root for two teams each Saturday. The Virginia Cavaliers and whoever was playing Notre Dame. The funny thing was, my Dad didn’t have a huge qualm with the Golden Domers. He appreciated the fact that they didn’t compromise academic integrity to win football games, like Miami or Florida State. He also thought they were a well-coached bunch. But in the end, this is what he was taught, so this is what I was taught. The fact that most any average college football fan can tell you how many consecutive bowl loses they have suffered (nine) or the exact terms of Charlie Weis’s ridiculous contract extension after only one season (10 years, 40 million) are just part and parcel of the greater disdain for Notre Dame football. I think this constant hatred has partly to do with the obnoxiousness of the fans (think of how annoying Red Sox fans are now, except over decades of success). The steady resentment is also a direct result of Notre Dame joining the Big East for basketball and baseball, but still holding onto their independent status for football. The contract they have with NBC smacks of elitism and only perpetuates the self-important image of the Notre Dame ethic.

On the other hand, I rather enjoyed Rudy. And some of my best friends are loyal Notre Dame supporters. There are some redeeming qualities about the institution that I cannot deny, but none of these elements could ever sway me from my hardwired contempt for the Green and Gold. Charlie Weis isn’t the second coming after all and I’m glad that talk has finally ended. Tyrone Willingham’s coaching record was 21-15; Weis’s record over that same span is 22-15. As far as I can tell, such blatant hypocrisy deserves our widespread critical derision. Nothing makes me happier than seeing this Evil Empire fumble and fuck it up and still have that unmistakable pride and hubris intact - It only validates my Dad’s teachings.


Exhibit C: Duke Basketball. I’m bent over with rage just thinking about what to say about these colossal ass clowns. For the sake of the vein forming on my forehead, I’ll just play this amazingly on-point video and leave it at that:







I guess it’s pretty obvious where I’m going with this… Should we enjoy the Patriots domination because it’s so convincing? After all, if they go 19-0, set records for points in a regular season all while amassing the most TDs by both a QB and WR, then they are the best team ever. I mean, we’ll be telling our kids about them one day, right? So should we root for greatness? Does the package a once-in-a-generation talent come in matter or should all prohibitive favorites be met with unmitigated bile? Did everyone hate my beloved Bulls of the 90’s without me knowing it? Is the reason to loathe a dynasty simply a reaction of boredom – that you want to see someone (anyone!) else on top? Well, here’s my two cents:

As impressive as the Patriots are… I’m rooting against history. There are many factors that I’ve weighed into this equation. ESPN’s Bill Simmons is one reason. I’ve spent the last seven years listening to this guy wax poetic about the virtues of Tom Brady and company. I probably would be equally proud of my team if they had similar accomplishments, but the tipping point came in the middle of this season. In a November 9th article, he all but says the NFL fixed the “Showdown in Indy” in favor of the Colts… AND THE PATIORTS STILL WON. He completely glosses over any moralistic quandary that arises when faced with the subject of Spygate in Week One. He’s dismissive and arrogant. He even accuses CBS of “being worse” than the Patriots coaching staff when they put a mic on Tom Brady during a midseason game because his audibles were registering too clearly on the television broadcast. His illogical defense, which is only emboldened by each passing week of perfection, has become emblematic of a larger trend. Simply put, Boston is taking over. The Joe’s Diner spots on the NFL network have continued the Boston Love-in with such annoying banter as “What comes after a dynasty?” and “Tom Brady is WAY hotter than Carson Palmer”. There is a general dislike of the New England sports fan right now because all three of their professional teams are at the pinnacle of their respective leagues (and as Dane Cook can tell you, over saturation is the kiss of death). It goes deeper though, in my opinion.



Each big market has their own sports fanatic shortcomings. Los Angeles is known for two things, transplants and Mexicans. Therefore, the local sports scene lacks a distinct passion (except maybe for the Doy-yers). New York is known for being crass, short-tempered and self-important. They demand instant results through some strangely arrived at sense of entitlement. Chicago is full of fat, rabid know-it-alls who have an inferiority complex being the Second City. We grow mustaches and eat deep-dish pizza and do bad Chris Farley impressions. Anyway, Boston fans were always fatalistic complainers (with the exception of the Celtics) who used funny dialects and believed that the worst was yet to come. They were lovable because they were so desperate, so passionate and so miserable. But now, Bostonians are still finding things to complain about even when they are experiencing the biggest sports boom one city has ever known. It’s jarring to the rest of the country, but really, this is uncharted territory. It’s hard to make sense of it.

There is no doubt that the Patriots are a tremendous team, top to bottom. The greatness is otherworldly. Welker snakes for first downs. Moss runs and blocks like a champ. Brady basically hands the ball off to receivers 15 yards at a time (as my Dad puts it). Maroney is a beast when healthy. Belichick is a dominating strategist. It’s all there for 19-0, but for some reason, I just can’t support these guys. They are poor winners (mocking the Eagles in the Superbowl, the Chargers in last year’s playoffs) and are consistent saying the right things while whistling another tune on Sunday. They run up the score. They lack class at times. They ceased being confident miles ago and are now just plain cocky. I’m not sure if they are evil yet, but they certainly aren’t virtuous. Speaking for myself, I’m hoping the road gets bumpy ahead for the Golden Boys of the gridiron.

For the love of God…

Please, cue the Ewoks.