When Baseball Predictions Go Horribly, Horribly Wrong

NL EAST
Benny: NY Mets
Bowler: NY Mets
Dirty: Phillies

I mean honestly, who could have predicted another Mets collapse? I’ll admit, the Marlins looked like a darkhorse for a while and Atlanta was hovering around .500 at the All-Star break, but it was always going to be a Phillies/Mets slugfest. There were two things that Benny and I didn’t account for: The Brad Lidge resurgence and the Luis Ayala/Aaron Heilman/Pedro Feliciano backup plan for Billy Wagner. Dirty, just a fantastic job backing into that one.

NL CENTRAL
Benny: Brewers
Bowler: Cubbies
Dirty: Cubbies

I say this is essentially a draw since these shameless homer picks all made the playoffs (for what amounted to a cigarette, a blindfold and a swift deliberation by the jury). Kudos goes to Ben for peeing his pants in his living room the instant the Brewers clinched. Who needs a tub after all? However, since the pain is still fresh, I’m simply moving on.

NL WEST
Benny: Padres
Bowler: Diamondbacks
Dirty: Padres

I’m going to give myself the slight tip of the cap on this one since my pick finished two games back of the Dodgers while the Padres finished with the 3rd worst record in the Majors. I understand their pitching looked promising with Peavy and Young, but when you only have three players with over 100 hits it’s a little difficult to contend even in the worst division in baseball.

NL WILDCARD
Benny: Diamondbacks
Bowler: Dodgers
Dirty: Brewers

Dirty nails the Trifecta with this one. Phils, Cubs, Brewers. Very impressive. I feel by taking the Dodgers that at least earns me a “Place” and Benny rounds out the field with a “Show”. The National League, THEY ARE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE!!! ANY WE LET ‘EM OFF THE HOOK!!!

AL EAST
Benny: NYY
Bowler: NYY
Dirty: BOS

I was under the impression that this was a coin flip scenario. However, this year we got a wiseguy with one of those novelty coins that lands vertically on its ridges. But hey, Dickie V got some PT early repping his band of Diaper Dandies while 800 commentators used the phrase “Most people don’t know Joe Maddon from John Madden” all the while thinking they were original and hilarious. Goooooooood times.

AL CENTRAL
Benny: Cleveland Indians
Bowler: Detroit Tigers
Dirty: Detroit Tigers

I’m still trying to figure out what happened here. I mean, it was the White Sox and Twins from late April on. On paper the Tigers line-up looked beastly (and when you crunch the numbers, they were) but it was the pitching that lead them astray. I have a feeling this had something to do with such a disappointing season: Kenny Rogers – (173.2 IP, 4.25 K/9, 5.70 ERA) and Nate Robertson – (168.2 IP, 5.76 K/9, 6.35 ERA). When those guys are pitching 24% of your innings for an entire season, 74 wins is actually rather remarkable. Benny gets the nod because the Indians rallied back to a .500 record, but in the end, we’re all losers.

AL WEST
Benny: LAA
Bowler: LAA
Dirty: Seattle Mariners

Don’t worry about it Dirty, people miss layups all the time.

AL WILD CARD
Benny: Detroit Tigers
Bowler: Boston Red Sox
Dirty: LAA

I want to take this opportunity to praise the Tampa Bay Rays some more. I’m physically peaking at the idea of Hank Steinbrenner glowering like Pa-Pa and dutifully running the Yankees into the ground. I’m cautiously optimistic that the BoSox are growing older, losing stars and returning back to earth. While I know it’s only one year, the potential for an earth altering shift in the Yank-Saux universe is exactly what we all need. Mark it, dude.

NL ROY
Benny: Kosuke Fukudome
Bowler: Kosuke Fukudome
Dirty: Kosuke Fukudome
Actual winner: Geovany “mah-fuckin” Soto

I wrote some glowing words about Fukudome early in the 2008 season, but I believe the combination of superior MLB pitching, season length and overall fatigue conspired against the former Chunichi Dragon. His splits read like an M. Night Shyamalan movie - a promising beginning which bleeds into a crappy second act and culminates with a predictably pathetic final ten minutes (1-10, 4K in the NLDS). I have no idea what 2009 has in store for Fukudome-san. Oh, but Geo was a no brainer. He reminds me of Jojo Jacobitz from my little league days. I’m assuming only one or two people get that reference, but trust me, it’s a good thing.

NL MVP
Benny: Ryan Braun
Bowler: David Wright
Dirty: Alfonso Soriano
Actual winner: Albert Pujols

Don’t get me wrong, I understand that Ryan Howard willed his team into the playoffs in September with the lumber. I understand he made their run possible due in large part to the threat of his game-changing swing. But people, 199 strikeouts for an MVP? Besides, Pujols deserves a second MVP since Barry Bonds probably heisted one during “The Juice Years”. Oh, and there’s this:

RYAN HOWARD (based on 691 plate appearances)
29% strikeout
12% walk
7% homerun
OPS .882

ALBERT PUJOLS (based on 628 plate appearances)
9% strikeout
17% walk
6% homerun
OPS 1.114

NL CY YOUNG
Benny: Johan Santana
Bowler: Johan Santana
Dirty: Ben Sheets
Actual winner: Tim Lincecum

Hey Dirty, did you REALLY think Ben Sheets was making the leap? Kerry Wood and Ben Sheets get together in the off season, shoot regional Icy Hot commercials and compare 11-12 records.

NL COMEBACK PLAYER OF THE YEAR
Benny: Eric Gagne
Bowler: Chris Carpenter
Dirty: Andruw Jones
Actual winner: Brad Lidge

The pitcher pauses, kicks and delivers. SA-WING and A MISS. It looked like the batter was looking for a first pitch fastball but got nothing but the circle change. (Gagne)

The batter digs in, awaiting the second pitch. The pitcher deals a 12-6 curveball right down the pipe, CALLED STRIKE TWO. The bat never left his shoulder! He played the guessing game and got burnt. (Jones)

The batter has dug himself an 0-2 count. The pitcher nods, collects himself and – WHAT?!? The batter is now sitting crosslegged in the batters box! It’s appears as if he’s dousing himself in some sort of clear liquid from a squeeze bottle and is now fishing some tiny metallic instrument out of his back pocket! HE’S JUST- YES! HE’S NOW BURST INTO FLAMES!!! OH THE HUMANITY! (Carpenter)

AL ROY
Benny: Kurt Suzuki
Bowler: Evan Longoria
Dirty: Ian Kennedy
Actual winner: Evan Longoria

“It’s not so much me as it’s Longoria, HE’s good”

AL MVP
Benny: Alex Rodriguez
Bowler: Vladimir Guerrero
Dirty: Magglio Ordonez
Actual winner: Dustin Pedroia

I don’t have really anything to say about Pedroia. I’m kinda running out of steam here. It’s late and the Bulls are down 34-13 to the Blazers and we look like a lottery team. Greg Oden is making our “big men” look like J.V. underachievers. Steve Blake must have gotten pissed at me posting his missed bunny and now he’s lighting us up. Time for some sleep, thanks for coming out…

AL CY YOUNG
Benny: Justin Verlander
Bowler: John Lackey
Dirty: Justin Verlander

AL COMEBACK PLAYER OF THE YEAR
Benny: Jose Giullen
Bowler: Francisco Liriano
Dirty: Cliff Floyd

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOUR AL CY YOUNG AND COMEBACK PLAYER OF THE YEAR…. MR. CLIFF LEE