Fuck Bret Michaels: This Rose has no thorns

My beloved Chicago Bulls were growing stranger and stranger to me by the minute this past year. We fired Scott Skiles before New Years Eve. We traded for Drew Gooden and Larry Hughes at the deadline. We made a late “surge” but failed to qualify for the play-in game (which the Hawks were clearly more prepared for). We lost the Mike D’Antoni bidding war to an organization that is currently undertaking a historically miserable run for a franchise in ANY sport. In fact, an hour before the lottery my fraternity brother and rare remaining true Bulls fan “Relatively Big Mike” Wagoner sent me a rundown of our odds with his take:

No. 1: 1.70%
No. 2: 2.00%
No. 3: 2.40%
No. 9: 81.34%
No. 10: 12.18%
No. 11: 0.38%
No. 12: 0.0024%

Back in the lottery. Sick.

I wrote back verbatim:

Dude, after we missed out on D'Antoni, I'm conviced we're gunna end up with Kosta Koufos and head back down the totem pole. I'm going to frame my "twirling towels" from Games 3 and 4 of last year's Conference Semis because it might be the last time we play in games that meaningful for a long time.

Sad clown tears,

AK

Needless to say, we’ve spent the better part of the evening trading Beasley vs. Rose emails. I haven’t been this excited since the moments leading up to Game 1 of the NLDS last fall.

So which way am I leaning? Well, here is the God’s honest truth. When they opened the envelope, my first reaction was, “Holy Shit, we CAN GET DERRICK ROSE”. My second thought was to call Wags and Dirty and scream nonsensical phrases in or around my phone. Once the initial madness had subsided, I thought, “I suppose we COULD get Michael Beasley since our frontcourt has been our Achilles heel for the past three seasons”. This is when I realized, this will be the second longest month of my basketball life (the first being the month directly following MJ's first retirement).

Benny can attest, I’ve got an unhealthy love for athletic point guards, scrambling quarterbacks in Madden and scrappy middle infielders with high OBPs. These aren't biases, but rather personal preferences.

Another factor: I’ve been watching and rooting for Derrick Rose since his days at Simeon HS in the Chicago Public League. They played his games on local (as well as national) TV and it looked like he was playing on fast forward while everyone else was set on regular speed. The kid was born to play basketball. He’s from the streets of Chicago. He’s tough. He’s a winner. I could go on-and-on referencing vague minutia that you already know, but lemme cite two games in particular that I watched last year which made me love Derrick Rose:

Memphis-Tennessee (Feb. 23rd)

9-16 from the field, 23 points, 5 rebounds, 5 assists, 4 steals.

I know Memphis lost this game (one of two all season) but Rose showed me a lot in his second half performance. Here’s the thing that stuck with me, he was the only Memphis Tiger out there at crunch time willing to take and make big shots. Check out this GameLog and scroll down to 9:05 left in the second half when Rose misses two free throws. He takes over that game and is the ONLY reason that game was even close down the stretch.

Memphis-Texas (March 30th)

7-10 from the field, 21 points, 6 rebounds, 9 assists, 2 turnovers.

It wasn’t so much the offensive production or passing that I appreciated about this performance, it was how he SHUT DOWN the consensus second best point guard in the country in D.J. Augustin. This was an Elite Eight game and Rose held him to 4-18 shooting, 3 assists and 4 turnovers. Augustin only had more turnovers than assists in 4 of their 38 previous games last season. It was truly a complete game for Derrick (we're on a first name basis in my mind).

Now, I understand that Michael Beasley is a tremendous player and will be a great professional. But the City of Chicago has been waiting for a moment like this, to take the unconventional wisdom (always take the big guy) and cram it. Gun to your head, a potential Deron Williams/Chris Paul or a likely Elton Brand. If you worry about things like “we already have a point guard” then you obviously are missing something vital. This is a lottery team for a reason. Shuffle the deck, move Duhon, move Hughes, acquire role players, court the high profile coaches still out there, make some bold choices. Derrick Rose surrounded by savvy front office moves is a recipe that could very well lead to an Eastern Conference Finals appearance before his rookie contract is up. I’m a homer, I’m a Chicagoan, I love the feel of this whole thing. It’s fate. I’m going to spend the next month flooding John Paxson’s inbox with pro-Rose statistics and impassioned emails from the heart. Michael Beasley isn’t Sam Bowie, but not drafting Derrick Rose for the character of the city looking forward to embracing him, could spell the same foul fate.

The Beautiful Art of the Sports Video Montage

If I lived in a world in which the pursuit of capital and the inch-by-inch, day-by-day grunt and crawl through the muck and filth of a white collar office job was not a requisite for maintaining the existence that has evolved over the course my life, there are three pursuits that would be my occupation. Yes, this is my Peter Gibbons moment. As Donny has already attested, skippering an inlet charter fishing boat and designing, constructing, and operating a 21-and-over natural grass miniature golf course have been dreams of ours for years, our light at the end of the tunnel and our Oz.

The last pursuit would be splicing and recording video montages of sports highlights set to music.

Now tell me, is there anything that can heighten our love of sports as much as a well-crafted video of meaningful athletic moments accompanied by just-the-right song? It can raise the hair on our bodies, transport our stomachs to our throats, moisten the corners of our eyes, and get our dander up on gameday.

What follows is a collection of videos of the most well-done video montages that I was able to find on YouTube for each of the major sports. Enjoy.

Soccer

This is a compilation of the top-50 goals ever scored. Set to a techno beat with a solo string instrument (a vibe that we've become used to on EA Sports' FIFA games), this is a rapid-fire compilation of some of the slickest touches that have filled the ol' onion bag. I'm especially interested to hear from Dirty his take on the order and any notable omissions. Here is a different top-50 video set to a faster beat, but slower in presentation.

Hockey

This is a surprisingly enjoyable compilation of the top-20 goals ever scored in hockey, which for several reasons doesn't get much attention anymore. Set to Fatboy Slim's "Right Here, Right Now" the fluiditiy of the clips nicely complement Mr. Cook's instrumentals.

Baseball

It appears that the fascists over at Major League Baseball have done a wonderful job of preventing people from uploading historical and contemporary highlights to the Internet because an hour of searches yieled nothing of substance. Thanks, Bud Selig, once again your masterful stewardship of America's pastime is without parallel. To compensate, here are some truly amazing amateur defensive web gems.

Basketball

Because it is professionally done and annually highlights the greatest moment of the greatest American tournament, the "One Shining Moment" video has to be the hands-down best basketball montage. The late, great Luther Vandross' voice has sung over this alternately slo-motion/real-time feature for more than 10 years and it always captures the pageantry, excitement, heartbreak, and triumph of March Madness. I was disconcerted to see a real dearth in quality NBA videos (either the wrong song or poor quality footage), but just over 3 minutes of Air can do anyone some good.

Football

NFL Films deserves much of the credit for originating and honing the video montage into a truly exceptional art. Though John Facenda's spoken, baritone backed powerfullyby horns, trumpets, and drums and poetically by string pieces, is representative of NFL history and lore, I've opted for this house/trance music punctuated by occassional piano solos in a video that highlights some of the greatest hits and runs in NFL history. It makes my loins quiver for training camp. Also, if the Packers would have played this video at halftime of the NFC Championship Game, I can almost guarantee that they wouldn't have lost.

BONUS

When I first saw this video in the first 3 hours of the new millenium, I staggered home to make sure that that my VHS taping of the "Sportscenter of the Century" was still recording. Capturing the most unforgettable visual impressions left by sports in the 1900s, I still make a point of watching it every few months. Professionally done, the song choice of Aerosmith's "Dream On" is absolutely perfect. This is the ideal of the sports video montage.

A Chicago 3-pack: D'Antoni, Benson and Guillen

Noise coming out of Bristol today indicates that the Bulls are just a few shuffles of paper away from locking Mike D’Antoni up as their head coach. I’ve respected the man since his success started with the Suns during the 2004-05 season, but since then it’s grown based on his service to Team USA and his international style of offensive X's and O's. The more I read about Mike D’Antoni, the more I like him.

Did you know that as a player he was the greatest point guard in Italian basketball history? Kobe was living there as a child and recognized D’Antoni as his favorite player (even adopting his #8 when he came to the Lakers). He’s had coaching success in Italy as well as the NBA and it seems like a real solid step in the right direction if his basketball theory lands in the Windy City.

The Bulls will still be paying a buyout of Scott Skiles contract to the tune of $4 million next year, but what this team needs is a confident, tested leader. When you bring in an assistant coach with upside like Tom Thibodeau of the Celtics, you never know if you’ll be getting a Lovie Smith or a Dick Jauron (wha-wha-whaaaa). Bottomline, if you look at the Bulls roster and deselect some of the undesirable team-concept guys (Duhon, Hughes), modify roles of uber-athletic guys who want to run (Thomas, Deng, Sefolosha), transform the slashers into sharpshooters (Gordon, Nocioni) and perhaps rejuvenate a point guard gone sideways (Hinrich) then this might be a palatable team next year. In my opinion, none of that happens without D’Antoni's offensive schemes.



It’s no secret that I’m a Thomas Jones fan. It’s also no secret that I’m not wild about Cedric Benson. These two factors shouldn’t preclude me from having a rational reaction to Benson’s recent run-in with the law, but they almost did. Let me explain.

Cedric Benson has presented himself as a malcontent on Chicago sportstalk radio, he’s been prickly and presumptious about his playing time and done very few things to endear himself to Bears fans once he got the starting nod. This being said, after my initial knee-jerk reaction of disgust and disappointment (in the wake of Clemens hubris that denial shall ultimately exonerate you) has changed in the passing days. The fact that he didn’t get breathalized onboard but deemed drunk, the fact that his parents were onboard, the fact that he is earnestly pleading his case which seems plausible (unlike Clemens) have all added up to something of an interesting situation for me. Now, do I think he was drunk? I have no idea. Do I think Benson was “nothing but cooperative”? Again, it’s hard to say. However, if I’ve learned one thing from watching countless Cops marathons in my youth, it’s that the moment a black guy asks a question or seeks an explanation with any iota of hostility in his voice, officers immediately break out the tasers and billy clubs. This is how it works.

I hope Cedric Benson gets a fair trial and I hope Matt Forte can run the ball. Wow, I just read that last sentence and I can’t believe the Bears were in the Super Bowl a mere 15 months ago.



Ozzie Guillen has been a lifelong member of the White Sox family. He played there, he manages there and he won a World Series there so I can understand his vitriol for the Cubs. I really can, shit, some times I get sick of all the fluff and national attention we get. When ESPN did a Cubs/Mets game two weeks ago, there were about 30 instances where the announcers slurped Wrigley Field or Friendly Confines Faithful. It’s obnoxious, ongoing and I can honestly understand why other fan bases HATE us.

That being said, Ozzie Guillen is a whinny, frustrated, self-promoting jagoff who thinks his shit doesn’t stink because he’s “a baseball man”. He’s so super sensitive about what the Chicago media prints about him, yet he’s always so brash and disrespectful. I recall during their World Series year when a reporter asked him about an upcoming tilt with their cross-town rivals, he’s waved his hand and said dismissively, “Fuck the Cubs. Why should I care about them?”. Ozzie picks fights with local columnist Jay Mariotti which really only sells issues of the Sun Times and lowers him to Jay’s level (which is pretty fucking low if you’ve ever read him). He cites the anniversary of the Lee Elia tirade but as always misses the point. He demands respect, but he doesn't understand that respect is earned and ultimately comes off like on of those drunk people on The Real World. I’m generally of the mind that whatever you give people, they will return. If you treat others with kindness and respect, for the most part, that’s exactly what you’ll get back. Ozzie claims the Chicago media is fickle, unfairly favors the Cubs and doesn’t give the White Sox respect.

Well Ozzie, that’s probably because they write what you give them.

Cubs v. Brewers - A Running Diary

The Cubs and the Brewers are quickly ascending the ranks of my favorite rivalries with regard to my rooting interests. Last year was a tremendous two-team pennant race (I never really considered the Cardinals a threat) that really made me appreciate our neighbors to the north. Here’s how the rivalries stacks up if the criteria is pure enjoyment:

1st Bears/Packers (The gold standard)
2nd Cubs/Cardinals (Great history, great fans)
3rd Liverpool/Everton (The more I learn, the more I respect it)
4th Cubs/Brewers (Scrappy underdogs make good)
5th Cubs/White Sox (A civic obligation)
6th Bulls/Pistons (Lost its luster, but can be rekindled at any moment)

So without further ado, my running diary:

7:59pm There are few things better than Web Gems set to upbeat music with breathless announcers loosing their shit. Baseball Tonight just closed their show with the best leather flashes for the month of April, well done fellas. I love it.

8:00pm Dave O’Brian is doing the play-by-play. Steve Phillips is doing color for the broadcast. I like Phillips because he always brings up his service as the GM of the Mets. He regularly cites the Mo Vaughn signing as a self-deprecating reminder that everything he says should be taken with a grain of salt. I can appreciate that.

8:02pm Erin Andrews is smoking hot. I’m usually intimidated around smart, attractive women as is, but one that can talk baseball is beyond my comprehension.

8:08pm Dempster is pitching. The wind is blowing in. Johnson, Pie, Fukudome in the outfield. Ramirez, Theriot, DeRosa and Lee around the horn. Soto behind the dish. I have a weird feeling like Soto or Pie in the 7 and 8 spots are going to have a big game. {I promise that I actually made this prediction. No fake.}

8:12pm Weeks grounds out weakly to the pitcher after drawing a 2-2 count. He’s batting .190 on the season. What happened to this guy? I know he’s got some pop, but as time passes he appears to be more and more like Milwaukee’s Corey Patterson.

8:14pm Three up. Three down. Bring on Suppan.

8:18pm Reed Johnson has 90 plate appearances and has now taken 88 first pitches. The culture of patience is astounding considering the historical hackers we’ve had in our lineup over recent years. The Cubs are 13-5 when Johnson hits leadoff. I just picked him up on my fantasy team. He had a BONKERS catch that is an early candidate for play of the year. As I type this, he stings a single into left field. Now all he has to do is shave that Spiezioesque soul patch and I have a new man crush.

8:22pm Weeks misjudges a Theriot 3-2 hit-and-run slap up the middle. The ball squirts into right. Runners at the corners.

8:23pm Riot steals second on a no-throw by noodle-armed Jason Kendall.

8:25pm D. Lee doubles off the left field wall. Johnson scores. Cubs 1, Brewers 0.

8:26pm A. Ram doubles off the left field wall. Riot and Lee score. Cubs 3, Brewers 0.

8:32pm Fukudome lines out, DeRosa walks. Runners on first and second. Soto’s up. Phillips mentions that Suppan is at the 30-pitch mark already.

8:33pm Soto jerks a hanging curveball into the leftfield bleachers. It seems as though I’m juggling man crushes at the moment. Cubs 6, Brewers 0.



8:36pm Dempster slices a single to the opposite field. The wheels have come off, rolled into a nearby ditch and inexplicably burst into flame.

8:37pm 39 pitches and 19 minutes later. The first inning ends. Mercifully.

8:43pm Prince Fielder loops a single into center which caps 3 minutes of “Prince Fielder is not only a vegetarian but also encourages the clubhouse to be Eco-friendly” talk. I remember an era when our portly clean-up hitters boozed and womanized, but now they are socially conscious. What’s next? Will our hard-hitting strong safeties start writing children’s books?

8:46pm Hart pops out to second followed by Bill Hall grounding out to Ramirez. Rammy skips the ball into first and D. Lee nonchalantly picks the ball out of the dirt. I’m convinced that Derrick Lee for Hee Seop Choi is the biggest steal of the past ten years that nobody talks about.

8:54pm Suppan bounces back. Three up, three down.

8:59pm I REALLY like the way Dempster is mixing up, locating and executing his pitches. He’s been doing it all year. I know he was a 15 game winner with Cincy in 2001 before his Tommy John surgery so I shouldn’t be that surprised, but I think his closer stint as “The Dumpster” really clouds my ability to look objectively at him. That brutal 2006 season (75 IP, 77 H, 36 BB, 24 saves, 9 blown saves, 4.80 ERA) was difficult from a P.R. standpoint especially when the Cubs were the worst team in the National League. I think I’m still going to refer to him as “Dump-a-Lump” but only as a term of endearment.



9:06pm The Brewers patch together a two-out single and walk before Braun smokes a single to left. Cameron goes first to third. Runners at the corners. Prince is coming up. Time to settle down. Cubs 6, Brewers 1

9:09pm After a tough duel at the plate, Fielder floats out to left. Inning over. Three innings in the books.

9:12pm Fukudome hits a comebacker off Suppan, which kicks to first base with amazing english on it. It leaps away from Fielder who just narrowly misses the barehand adjustment and the ball shoots toward the Milwaukee bullpen. Your typical double.

9:15pm DeRo thumps a single to right field. Fukudome scores. Cubs 7, Brewers 1.

9:21pm Mark Cuban interview after the break!!! I wonder what they’ll talk about!?!?!

9:23pm Erin Andrews cozies up with Cubes sitting right in front of the Chicago on-deck circle for a little Q&A. She leads off with “Where did it go wrong with Avery (Johnson)?” You got some stones on ya, don’t cha … um, I mean, good question Erin. Interesting phrasing for sure though. After some softballs, she asks what the differences would be between Stern and Selig… Cuban, who CLEARLY wants to own the Cubs, remarks that “Bud Selig has been phenomenal for baseball.” I was half expecting him to add, “If no one else want him, I’ll take Judge Smails.”

BROWWNNN NOOSSSSEEE!!!

9:33pm Theriot ropes a single to left with one out. D. Lee looms large at the plate.

9:34pm D. Lee smacks a single into the gap. Runners at the corners. Suppan’s pitch count is at 74 through 4.1 innings. If I’m him, I’m breaking into the mini-bar hardcore tonight.

9:37pm Bill Hall boots a sharply hit ground ball. Riot scores, Lee and Ramirez safe. Cubs 8, Brewers 1.

9:43pm DeRo smacks an RBI single. Suppan leaves to mock applause. Cubs 9, Brewers 1.

9:47pm Soto jacks his second three run homer into the left field bleachers!!! You can close the book on Suppan (thank god). I hate being right all the time. Cubs 12, Brewers 1.

9:48pm Fukudome almost named his son Chicago last year. For some reason, this makes me immensely happy.

9:45pm It has just occurred to me this is my sixth running diary (Bulls/Wizards, Bulls/Warriors, Bears/Vikings, Virginia/Texas Tech, Cubs/Rockies) and my record is looking like it’s going to be 5-1. From now on, I’m doing running diaries of every Chicago playoff game going forward. Seems reasonable.

9:59pm Dempster scatters two walks before giving up a two-out double to Ryan Braun. Cubs 12, Brewers 3.

10:06pm Five innings complete. Time for another beer.

10:10pm ESPN does a montage with maudlin music about 1908: Taft was the 27th president, the first Model T first produced, the 4th modern Olympics happened in London… this doesn’t even bother me. It’s absurd that this is a requirement for national consumption of my favorite baseball team.

10:13pm Dave O’Brian refers to the episode last season when Zambrano criticized the fans after a rocky stretch in the late months of the season. To be honest, I completely forgot about that. I forgave him immediately after he apologized. He’s like my drunk best friend who gets in fights with bouncers every weekend. He’s a solid guy, but occasionally he gets bent out of shape and you just have to nod and pretend like you know what he’s talking about.

10:18pm Erin Andrews gives us a report about how Lou Piniella feels about the topic of the 100 year “curse”. Thank God, it had been almost ten minutes. I almost forgot about that.

10:24pm Fukudome takes a seven pitch at-bat and finally bloops an RBI single into right. Cedeno scores from second. Cubs 13, Brewers 3.

10:34pm Six innings in the books.

10:54pm I took the 7th inning off to watch this based on Ben’s recommendation. I’m glad I did. It’s the segment from “Costas Now” that has been causing much fervor throughout the blogosphere over the past 24 hours. The panelists are Buzz Bissinger (author, Friday Night Lights), Will Leitch (of Deadspin.com) and Braylon Edwards (wideout, Cleveland Browns). If you are interest in sports and how it is covered, I recommend that you watch this piece (it’s about 15 minutes long). Then I would suggest that you read the response from FJM which does very competent work and is a favorite of B&B. They crush the idiocy of Bissinger better than I could and in a way they stick up for the fabric of the sports blogging populace. I enjoy blogging because it’s a form of self-expression that is easy to explore and truly fun. Sports and writing are both passions of mine. I know that nobody reads this, but that's not even the point. It's out there and really that's all I care about. I derive enjoyment by browsing sports blogs to get a different take from knowledgeable people who aren’t bound to teams or news agencies. When it’s something worthwhile, I become a repeat reader and I feel like the process has moved along to the benefit of us all. Mr. Bissinger incorrectly asserts that only morons frequent blogs and we should all be wringing our hands with worry at the direction things are headed. Now, I’m far from being considered a literary snob, but I appreciate traditional sportswriting as well. I love The Last Amateurs, The Breaks of the Game and (of course) Moneyball. It’s all a wonderfully rich tapestry and the traditions these writers uphold are complimented (not diminished) by solid sports blogs. I’ve even read Three Nights in August by Mr. Bissinger and really liked it. However, I found his ambush (which is what it was) to be extremely surface based and reactionary. He speaks about spending years upon years honing his craft just as his contemporaries have done, those who sit perched in press boxes collecting and relaying facts. He fails to recognize that every corner of writing has hacks. For every Hunter S. Thompson there is a Jay Mariotti. For every 60 Minutes there is a TMZ. Blogs aren’t the problem. Crusty old men who are hateful because their mediums are slowly being put out to pasture are the problem. OK, that’s all I got for right now. By the way, Cubs 13, Brewers 5.

11:04pm Marmol is in. He is by far the livest arm in the NL Central. I think he has the potential to be the next “elite closer in a league of his own” for years to come. I’m telling you, Mariano Rivera good. I say this with no reservations. He strikes out Gabe Kapler looking with gas on the outside corner. He strikes out Bill Hall swinging on a two-seam fastball on the inside corner. J.J. Hardy pops up to Soto.

11:22pm Derrick Turnbow has given up a run and now is in a two-out, bases loaded jam. Theriot up next. Cubs 14, Brewers 5.



11:26pm Turnbow walks in his second run of the inning. Cubs 15, Brewers 5.

11:27pm Cedeno hits a bases clearing double. Nobody is warming up in the bullpen. At this point, I just feel bad for the kid. He’s twisting in the wind. He has no command or velocity at this point. I understand that you want to save arms in a blowout, but this has got to CRUSH his confidence. Cubs 18, Brewers 5.

11:28pm Ward demolishes a double into the gap in right-center. Cedeno trots home. Ned Yoast FINALLY gets some action going in the bullpen. This is painful to watch even as a Cubs fan. Steve Phillips muses that he absolutely has to be playing injured and I’m inclined to agree. Cubs 19, Brewers 5.

11:32pm Hank White walks. Runners on first and second. Yoast taps his left arm. It’s about fucking time.

11:36pm Stetter relieves Turnbow and promptly strikes out DeRosa.

11:43pm Wuertz retires the side in the top of the 9th. Ballgame.

The Good, The Bad, and the Clearly you Know Nothing about Basketball

All in all, this set of predictions appears to be exactly what it is: a compilation of stream-of-consciousness thoughts about basketball teams loosely tied in to one of the most underrated movies of the 21st century. Regardless, we here at Bowler and Benny are accountable for what we've posted so, without any further delay, my half-baked analysis of my half-baked predictions for the 2007-08 NBA season.

New York Knicks

Predicted: 22-60
Actual: 23-59
Difference: 1

Douchebaggery a la basketball. When Jamal Crawford leads your team in assists and that's the LEAST of your problems we're talking about historical ineptitude. Caution, if you were a Knicks fan during the 1990s, reading this may cause you to swallow your tongue. In describing the 2007-08 Knickerbockers, the first comparison that comes to mind is dead kitten lying in a urined and poopied adult diaper somewhere in Camden, New Jersey.

Verdict: Fuck a pearl necklace, I'm dotting eyes.


Denver Nuggets

Predicted: 52-30
Actual: 50-32
Difference: 2

At this point, looks like one series and done. Explosiveness on offense allowed them to make the playoffs in a strong Western Conference, but they don't play defense well enough to be considered an elite team or a contender. Allen Iverson's numbers during his age-32 season show slight improvement from last year's partial season with Denver by putting up 26-7-3-2 and averaging a full turnover less per game, a promising sign for the next few seasons.

Verdict: No darkhorse in this stable, but the shoe is close to the pin.


Cleveland Cavaliers

Predicted: 43-39
Actual: 45-37
Predicted: 2

I know Donny cringes (and rightly so) when another player is compared to Michael Jordan, but BronBron, the career points leader in Cleveland, really does appear to serve the role of a mid-80s Jordan. Carries an otherwise awful team night in and night out, puts up gaudy numbers, and has elevated his game yet again this season. He has been and will continue to be awesome to watch during the playoffs. The Cavaliers are well on their way to advancing to the Conference Semifinals, but they were outscored by opponents during the regular season and there's no way they win 4 outta 7 against the Celtics.

Verdict: A bit too harsh on LeBron, but overall a fair assessment.


Indiana Pacers

Predicted: 33-49
Actual: 36-46
Difference: 3

No offense to Danny Granger, but Danny Granger would be the sixth man on a championship team. He is the best player on the Pacers. That said, this collection of fair-to-middling journeymen over-achieved and finished 3rd place, albeit in an absolutely putrid Central Division. Drafting Jermaine O'Neal every year is exemplary of why my fantasy basketball skills are lacking.

Verdict: 36 wins was a best case scenario for the Pacers.


Philadelphia 76ers

Predicted: 37-45
Actual: 40-42
Difference: 3

In what has been the biggest surprise of the playoffs thus far, the 76ers took 2 of the first 3 games from Detroit (including, a facial dick-smacking on Friday night). They don't win the series, but in all a nice showing from a team that shouldn't have even made the playoffs, except for the fact that the play in the Eastern Conference. The Andres (Iguodala and Miller) make this team go. Is it just me, or should Samuel Dalembert be better than 10-10-2?

Verdict: My distaste for Philadelphia affected this prediction.


San Antonio Spurs

Predicted: 60-22
Actual: 56-26
Difference: 4

San Antonio continues to prove that the king is still the king until he has been killed. They recovered from a slow start to win the Southwest Division and have dismantled the Phoenix Suns in the first round. They've sustained their success by keeping their core personnel, playing top flight defense, and employing a deep and competent bench of Barry, Udoka, Oberto, Thomas, Vaughn, Elson, etc.

Verdict: In the neighborhood, but points off for picking the Suns to beat them.


Washington Wizards

Predicted: 50-32
Actual: 43-39
Difference: 7

Although I am thrilled to see former fellow UVA student Roger Mason, Jr. logging something other than DNPs, missing Gilbert Arenas for 69 games clearly diminished the Wizards' long-term performance. Though Antwan Jamison and Caron Butler both had nice years, neither could replace Agent Zero's offense, which is demonstrated by a drop in team Offensive Rating from 3rd in 2007 to 10th in 2008. A disappointing showing against Cleveland will lead to an early exit from the playoffs.

Verdict: Using my mulligan now because there's some right (meaning stinky) shite coming up.


New Jersey Nets

Predicted: 41-41
Actual: 34-48
Difference: 7

Just a crappy, crappy team. Only slightly crappier without Jason Kidd (11-19) as they were with him and his menstrual cramps (23-29). The secret to their success was clearly Billy Thomas. The New Jersey Nets were 3-1 in games he played for them and 31-47 without. They should try getting him back from Cleveland during the off-season before the Cavaliers lock him up to a long-term deal.

Verdict: I underestimated just how crappy this team is.


Seattle Supersonics

Predicted: 20-62
Actual: 29-53
Difference: 9

No surprise that they finished in last place in the Northwest Division. It matters little how poor record they had this season. The folks in Seattle wouldn’t have cared if they finished 0-82 so long as they have a team to support. Next year they won't. And that's a terrible shame.

Verdict: David Stern should eat a dick.


Phoenix Suns

Predicted: 66-16
Actual: 55-27
Difference: 11

Back in November, I posted this: "This is a potential top-10 team historically." So yeah, um, apparently team chemistry is a little more important than I thought. And defense. And shooting free throws. In light of Phoenix's current 3-1 deficit to the Spurs, we forget that this is still the 2nd ranked offense in the NBA. The rub though, and in this case there is a rather large one, is that their mediocre defense (both before and after the arrival of Shaq) is always suspect and at times has been abused over the course of the season.

Verdict: Stupid run-n-gun offenses with your big breasts and Brazilian wax and hot friends.


Utah Jazz

Predicted: 41-41
Actual: 54-28
Difference: 13

Deron Williams. Carlos Boozer. The best offense in the league. Shoulda known better. I always underestimate this team. Part of me thinks it subconsciously has to do with their nickname being the "Jazz". This should've been dealt with in 1979. I'll tell ya exactly what I'd do if I were a Mormon, man. Two wives at the same time.

Verdict: 41-41 really means, "I know nothing about this team and I'm hoping for the best."


Milwaukee Bucks

Predicted: 43-41 (I’d like to call this a typographical error but you should also know that I'm retarded)
Actual: 26-56
Difference: 17

I am fucking delusional. And this is beyond being-a-homer delusional, it is far worse. When did the wheels come off? When Ramon Sessions started logging more minutes than Yi Jianlian and Bobby Simmons? When the Bucks started playing the worst defense in the league? When Larry Krystkowiak was formally hired to replace Terry Stotts? At this point, Andrew Bogut is far closer to Michael Olowokandi and Kwame Brown than he is to Tim Duncan or Larry Johnson. Looking through the roster, I see names I haven't seen since I watched March Madness in high school. Jake Voshkuhl, Charlie Bell, Royal Ivey, Charlie Villanueva. The most baffling part is I still kinda like this team on paper. I have myself half-believing that Scott Skiles and a top 3 pick in the draft can make this a playoff team next year, when they're probably better off blowing it up and selling the spare parts.

Verdict: This team plateaued before the season started. I s-thuck (Wipes self off).


New Orleans Hornets

Predicted: 36-46
Actual: 56-26
Difference: 20

Way off. Way. But it couldn't have happened to a better team. They're young and they're fun to watch. Chris Paul is my MVP just for being able to resuscitate Peja Sotjakovic's career. They're about to regulate the Mavericks and will test the Spurs in the Semifinals. I think there's too much experience waiting for them in that round to be able to emerge victorious and make it to the Western Conference Finals, but consider me on the bandwagon. And admit it, we're all a little better off now that the Birdman is back in our lives.

Verdict: Who saw this coming? Byron Scott's son might've.

Boston Celtics

Predicted: 46-36
Actual: 66-16
Difference: 20

I must confess, because I staked my reputation on this prediction, I followed Boston more than any other team throughout the season. When they won their first 8, I was concerned. When they were 20-2, I was tempted to "accidentally" delete their preview from my initial post. When they won their 46th game on March 2nd, I knew I would have some 'splainin' to do. I am embarrassed and I'm sorry (although, in a weird way, I do feel somewhat vindicated they have redefined the term "over-hyped").

Verdict: Everything I know about basketball is wrong. I know nothing about basketball.

Scott Skiles does his defensive slide up I-94

The NFL draft is only a few dozen hours away. The Cubs are tied with the Diamondbacks for the best record in baseball. The Champions League Semis have produced two first-leg draws. The NHL playoffs are not only watchable, but genuinely compelling. Chris Paul, Lebron James and Kobe Bryant are straight up shitting on people in the first round. It seems like there's a wealth of sports related stories to explore, but I'm stuck on some news that happened a few days ago. It was the kind of news that made the ESPN crawl but you'd never notice it. The news got 15 seconds on Sportscenter before being forgotten amidst the din of an ever-blossoming Isiah Thomas saga. I'm speaking, of course, about Scott Skiles accepting the Head Coach position with the Milwaukee Bucks.

When it comes to basketball success, I'm a firm believer in defense. Jordan wasn't the greatest because he averaged 30.1 points, 6.2 rebounds and 5.3 assists for his career. He was the greatest because he also averaged 2.3 steals and .8 blocks as a 6'6" shooting guard. He stepped up his game for 94 feet. There was no chance that you were getting a free pass if he was marking up on you. That's what playoff basketball supremacy is founded on. Just ask the Spurs.

Let's be honest, taking charges isn't glamorous. Boxing out is hard work. Trusting your teammate with a switch at the high post takes patience, practice and understanding. You can shoot the hell out of the ball but if the lane toward your basket is comprised of harmless arm-and-leg turnstiles than you'll never win. The hot hands will turn cold and your bedrock will buckle no matter how attractive your roster looks on paper. Just ask the Nuggets.

Scott Skiles assumed the helm of the Bulls only sixteen games into the 2003-04 season. This was a team that Paul Shirley averaged 12.3 minutes over his seven game trial as our backup power forward. Jerome Williams and Linton Johnson platooned down low starting a combined 52 games. Jamal Crawford averaged 16.5 FG attempts a game while shooting .386% from the field... over 73 starts. Basically, this was a miserable team that he inherited from long-armed Bill Cartwright. Skiles went 19-47 for the remainder of the season, but sadly, this was a vast improvement from the Tim Floyd era. Then something happened.

We drafted Ben Gordon, Luol Deng and Chris Duhon. All winners in college. All students of the game under solid and sound basketball minds. They were young, talented guys who could work well within a system. Basically, the best kind. Partly because of these reasons, all three averaged at least 25 minutes on a 47-win team in their rookie season. Skiles was the toast of the NBA. The Bulls were now the "Baby Bulls" that you don't dare sleep on. The next two seasons where highlighted with 41 wins and 49 wins and playoff progression each year. The predictions started flying shortly thereafter...

However, after a 9-16 start this year, Bulls management let Skiles go on Christmas Eve.

Skiles is a tough coach, but since when is that a bad thing? Just because the NBA bestows multi-million contracts to teenagers doesn't mean "a player's coach" is necessarily what you need to coddle and manage egos. If your franchise player is only interested in his stats, it takes a strong leader and teacher at coach to explain why team defense is going to progress "his" team into June (when legends are made). Discipline is essential to playing steady basketball over a grueling 82 game season and serious practices are the totem of such ideals. Scott Skiles provided that fair but stern rod for any player who had notions of self-satisfaction. He sat Tim Thomas without reservation. He shipped out bad attitude guys like Eddie Robinson. He created a nucleus of fundamentally sound professionals who were willing to play defense every night. That takes a ferocity of spirit, a pride of team, a desire of victory above all else. That's what a good coach does.

The Bulls under Skiles:

2004-2005 Opponents Field Goal Percentage: .422 (1st of 30)
Defensive Rating: 100.3 (2nd of 30)

2005-2006 Opponents Field Goal Percentage: .426 (1st of 30)
Defensive Rating: 103.4 (7th of 30)

2006-2007 Opponents Field Goal Percentage: .435 (2nd of 30)
Defensive Rating: 99.6 (1st of 30)


The Milwaukee Bucks over that same span:

2004-2005 Opponents Field Goal Percentage: .464 (27th of 30)
Defensive Rating: 109.8 (28th of 30)

2005-2006 Opponents Field Goal Percentage: .466 (24th of 30)
Defensive Rating: 107.4 (23rd of 30)

2006-2007 Opponents Field Goal Percentage: .480 (29th of 30)
Defensive Rating: 111.7 (29th of 30)

I'm generally not of the mind to judge too harshly or laud praise undeservedly on my Chicago coaches. Everyone gets two seasons and as long as they aren't flagrantly inept or decidedly overmatched, I can handle just about any experiment. But on the verge of a new hire for the Bulls, whether it's Rick Carlisle (go hoos) or Tom Izzo, Jeff Van Gundy or Tom Thibodeau... it'll be a step backward in my eyes.

Congrats Benny C, you just scooped up a bona fide coach.

Where I prove I know very little about the NBA

At the beginning of the NBA season we split up the teams and made our predictions. I made mine, Ben made his. We went out on some limbs, but for the most part we picked the wrong branches. Here’s a rundown of my picks now that this whole fiasco known as the regular season is in the books:

Miami Heat
I said (42-40)
They went (15-67)

To my credit, nobody saw this coming. Here are their win totals from the past four seasons: 59, 52, 44, 15. So what went wrong? Well, Ricky Davis and Udonis Haslem were their third and fourth best players and Haslem barely played half the season. Those are 6th men on contenders. The fact that Shaq probably gave up ten games in didn’t help matters, but really, no team could really respond to that brutal start without having the horses. Miami simply didn’t have them. Verdict: Miserable prediction, but I wasn’t alone.


Portland Trailblazers
I said (32-50)
They went (41-41)

When they started the season 22-13, I knew I was in trouble here. They faded a little down the stretch but really they over achieved in the first two months with some tremendous play from Brandon Roy and LaMarcus Aldridge (Tyrus who?). Truth be told, I predicted that once Oden returned they would be a fixture in the Western Conference playoffs for years to come. So as far as that prediction goes, I’m still looking solid. Verdict: I underestimated you young padawan learner.


Atlanta Hawks
I said (35-47)
They went (37-45)

Hey SHOOT-TA! My first money prediction. I didn’t see them making the playoffs as an 8th seed, but honestly, I didn’t know the East was going to be THIS miserable. Verdict: I am all that is man!


Houston Rockets
I said (51-31)
They went (55-27)

I was a big fan of this squad at the beginning of the season. I even drafted Yao on one of my fantasy teams and I scooped up Rafer Alston (the most underrated player in the NBA) on another team. Their winning streak was surprising, but nothing was fluky about it. While I understand that they are playing a solid Utah team in the first round without home court advantage, I think this series goes seven games. Luis Scola bitches. Verdict: I feel like I’m getting into a groove here.


Sacramento Kings
I said (35-47)
They went (38-44)

There is absolutely no upside to this team. Bad contracts, old players, yawning fans. They traded Mike Bibby and nobody noticed. Kevin Martin is NOT, I repeat, NOT an Alpha dog. Ron Artest had a nice year, but who cares? The Western Conference smokes mediocre teams. My prediction was very good, but with a team this nondescript it’s like shooting fish in a barrel. Verdict: I’ve been 3-for-3 lately, I foresee badness.


L.A. Clippers
I said (32-50)
They went (23-59)

I’ll be honest with you. I didn’t watch a Clippers game all season. Here are their win totals for the previous 5 seasons: 28, 37, 47, 40, 23. Talk about your perfect bell curves. Verdict: I guess we’re back to the Clippers of old. I’ll make a note of it.


Orlando Magic
I said (44-38)
They went (52-30)

I finished my prediction with this sentiment: “Interesting team, maybe a year away.” Well, I think I got my answer a year early. Every pundit who condemned picking a high schooler (Howard) over a collegiate national champion (Okafor) should hang up their mics or drop their pens. While it’s a good precept, it’s also important to actually LOOK at the players involved. Howard is going to play in MULTIPLE Finals once all is said and done. Also, shame on every team picking in the teens of the 2004 draft. How do you let Jameer Nelson fall to the 20th pick? We knew it was a steal when it happened, but now we know it was a huge steal. If only they didn’t give a max contract to Rashard Lewis, I would absolutely love everything about this team. That being said, they aren’t beating Detroit in the second round. Maybe a year away. Verdict: I’m actually glad I was proven wrong on this one. Dwight Howard is going to be wearing a gold medal by the end of this summer, eventually he’ll be able to hang that off an Finals MVP trophy. Yeah, I said it.


Detroit Pistons
I said (48-34)
They went (59-23)

I hate this team. Verdict: I REALLY hate this team.


L.A. Lakers
I said (41-41)
They went (57-25)

The wheels really came off on this pick, but I have some reasons why:

1) Kobe Bryant was acting like a petulant kid all preseason. He was surly and venting to Dan Patrick on the radio and looking like an asshole. Then the season starts, Phil Jackson starts darting him with relaxation tonic and he starts playing inspired team ball. He’ll probably win the MVP (even though Chris Paul deserves it) and his ability to play through pain displays a sense of urgency about this era of his career.

2) Andrew Bynum made the jump from serviceable to downright studly. I didn’t know this was going to happen.

3) They got two and a half months of Pau Gasol for Kwame Brown and a bag of Fritos. This trade was criminal even if Memphis was just making the trade as a salary dump. Shave some money for cap space with your third or fourth best player, but not your franchise player. Just inexcusable. Verdict: My bad. This was probably my worst prediction in the West.


Charlotte Bobcats
I said (40-42)
They went (32-50)

For the first time in three years, the Bobcats took a big step backwards. I really wanted this team to succeed but it just really wasn’t meant to be. I like the Wallace, Richardson, Felton trio at guard but they are built too much like the Bulls. Bad shooting nights will ultimately doom them. Verdict: They are getting back Adam Morrison next year and I’m going to predict a 28-win season. These things are related.


Dallas Mavericks
I said (59-23)
They went (51-31)

I believe that this prediction is sound, but the Mavs were victims of so many other teams stepping it up this year in the West (Lakers, Hornets, Houston). I think Dallas has a reasonable shot at knocking off the upstart Hornets in the first round, but it all comes down to their two big names. Kidd can lead but can’t shoot, Dirk can shoot but can’t lead. If they can somehow balance their presences and get consistent production from Josh Howard and Jason Terry then they might move on. How far is up to them. Verdict: My early success has fizzled. I’m just happy if I’m within 10 games now.


Golden State Warriors
I said (46-36)
They went (48-34)

I’ll admit it. I follow Oakland teams. In the Western Conference, I pull for the Warriors. In the American League, I like the Athletics. When it comes to my favorite NFL Films clip, it’s not even a question. I want to watch John Madden standing around dumbfounded after witnessing the holy roller while Bill King emotes: “Madden is on the field, he wants to know if it’s real. They said ‘Yes, get your big butt outta here. He does!’” Verdict: I know my Warriors. The playoffs are worse for not having them.


Minnesota Timberwolves
I said (29-53)
They went (22-60)

I didn’t watch a Timberwolves game all season either. I was generous with my prediction because I though there was some chance they were scrappy enough to win some games they weren’t supposed to. Evidently, my optimism was misguided. Verdict: Not perfect, but in the ballpark.

Toronto Raptors
I said (44-38)
They went (41-41)

I think the Raptors are going to finish within five games of .500 for the next five seasons and never make it out of the second round. I said earlier that I thought Orlando (Howard) and Toronto (Bosh) would clash famously in the 2011 Eastern Conference Finals. No more. There is a word that comes to mind when I think of Toronto and it’s vanilla. As a flavor vanilla isn’t bad, but let’s face it, it’s not all that great either. Verdict: A layup.

Chicago Bulls
I said (50-32)
They went (33-49)

WHAT THE FUCK. I’m officially embarrassed. I enjoyed the early Chandler/Curry years more than this one. I don’t feel bad about my prediction because lots of people had them making some noise in the playoffs, but how exactly did things fall apart so majestically from the start? I think it’s finally obvious that we should have made a big trade at some point over the last two seasons to address inside scoring. Ben Wallace was a debacle. Scott Skiles (who I still like) was dealt a hand of starters with contract issues and rookies with bad attitudes. I’ll be honest, I watched exactly three Bulls games after Christmas and twice they involved Lebron James. I’m just befuddled. Everything I liked about this team the past four years is gone or substantially marginalized. Ben Gordon is not worth 10 million dollars a season and we should not pay him that. I like Drew Gooden, but what are we going to do with Larry Hughes in an already crowded backcourt? We have like half a ping pong ball which means we’ll end up missing out on the Rose/Beasley/Love express and we still have to shop for a new coach. What a shit show. Verdict: Kill yourself.