My kinda team, Charlie, my kinda team

In this homage to a genre that was popularized by the Sports Guy (who has, of late, experienced broad criticism from many sports-related blogs for becoming just a little TOO formulaic), we submit a look back on the first two and a half months of the MLB season through the lens of memorable quotes from an indisputably classic sports movie as they correlate to what we have witnessed during the first sixty-odd games of the year.

1. "Remember, fans. Tuesday is Die Hard Night. Free admission for anyone who was actually alive the last time the Indians won the pennant."

As an aficionado of the Milwaukee Brewers, the aftermath of the Cubbies' unprecedented off-season spending spree gives me particular delight. The nadir of the season occurred during the series with the Braves when Carlos Zambrano got into a slap fight with Michael Barrett and Sweet Lou was ejected for arguing a call he knew was correct. It was clear that in dropping $290 MM and hiring Lou Piniella that management is feverishly trying to avoid the utter humiliation of a franchise going an entire century without winning a World Series. Right now they sit 5 games below .500 in a putrid NL Central.

For the uninitiated we will be hosting a cocaine and hooker party at the Four Seasons Chicago on the day on October 14, 2008. We're billing it as "The Chicago Cubs: One Hundred Years of Futility", starring Gary Sinise and musical guest, Journey. Needless to say, it's going to be AWESOME.

2. (Jake Taylor discussing his one night stand) "I had no choice. She bet me fifty dollars that she had a better body than you and I had to defend your honor."

When the New York Post published the photographs of A-Rod in Toronto with a voluptuous blonde who, was not only not his wife, but also a stripper, I was mildly amused. Given that the adventures of athletes and strip clubs and mistresses and child support are well-documented, this shouldn't really raise an eyebrow. However, there certainly is an interesting juxtaposition created by that dynamic of A-Rod being the best player in the game, the subsequent fallout from this picture that he "likes the she-male, muscular types," and remaining mindful that he is one of the most hated men in baseball (even, remarkably by the hometown fans and media).

3. "Willie Mays Hayes. I hit like Mays and I run like Hayes."

"You may run like Hayes but you hit like shit."

This interaction, of late, has reminded me of the ever-wiggly, Juan Pierre. Juan Pierre is representative of the interesting debate between traditional baseball analysts and the so-called "statheads" of the sabremetric ilk. We on this blog are ardent supporters of the latter breed, whose arguments are humorously and eloquently spearheaded by the contributors of http://www.firejoemorgan.com/

During the offseason, the Los Angeles Dodgers, swayed by anecdotal evidence and the perception that smaller Major Leaguers somehow play through their disadvantage and give far more effort than the average-sized baseball player, signed Juan Pierre to a 5 year-$45 MM deal. Also a culprit in the voluntary highway robbery of the Dodgers is relevance (or lack thereof) of traditional statistics, such as and in this case batting average, as an accurate measure of a player's performance/value relative to other players/contribution to their team, etc.

Even a cursory glace and Baseball Prospectus's advanced statistics for Juan Pierre demonstrate that he is a BELOW-AVERAGE hitter, an even worse leadoff batter, and that his .292 batting average last year is completely misleading in terms of evaluating Mr. Wiggle's baseball performance.

P.S. the Dodgers fell all over themselves to pay $9MM this year to the gentleman who made the most outs in baseball last season (that isn't a sabremetric, that is a fact).

4. "Oh come cut the 'rah rah' shit, Taylor! Year after this I go free agent. Plus me and my agent got a couple of plans for life after baseball. So I am not about to risk major injury or displace this property for a collection of stiffs!"

For baseball's resident Hessian and Benedict Arnold, Roger Clemens, who, together with Alex Rodriguez and Barry Bonds are 21st century's detestable triumvirate of future Hall-of-Famers.

Roger Clemens bathes in the blood of small children. It gives him sustenance.

But goddamn, he gets the last laugh when he gets all up in between those.

5. "Hats for bats, keep bats warm."

Magglio Ordonez is nasty. In spite of A-Rod's guady stats this year, Mags bat is "hotter than a barrel of fire" (as Krayzie Bone would say) and belongs in the AL MVP discussion. Although the hype hasn't mirrored the performance, I think that if the Tigers can remain in the hunt to win the AL Central (or the wild card), he will begin to receive the acclaim he deserves as the summer progresses.