Everything I know about football is wrong

When Terry Bradshaw asked Super Bowl MVP Eli Manning how he felt when Tom Brady and Randy Moss put the Patriots up 14-10 with just over 2 minutes left, I had to turn away from the television. Unlike Lewis Black, I've never done acid and, therefore, there was nothing that could prepare me for that moment.

I wasn't ready for that shit. I feared that listening to Eli's response would change my life to the extent that it would no longer be familiar to me and, concurrently, that the furniture in my apartment would transform into snakes.

It felt like the yawning abyss of an alternate universe lay immediately beyond the precipice on which I was standing. Uncontrollable and hysterical laughing was the only instinctual reflex. Until an hour ago, I believed that Eli Manning is one of the last quarterbacks who truly would want to be in a position to lead a game-winning drive against the undefeated juggernaut that has dominated football in this first decade of the 21st century.

I hoped that his answer to Bradshaw would allow me to believe that the world made sense again. Like, "I wished I was the backup and Jared Lorenzen had to go out there," or "I was so terrified and I peed a little," or "I would've rather been antiquing with my mom."

When the nearest comparison in Super Bowl history to Eli's 12 play, 83 yard drive is the 49ers' comeback win over the Bengals in Super Bowl XXIII, our collective conceptualization of the NFL must be revised. Joe Montana, Johnny Unitas, Roger Staubach, and Tom Brady lead their teams to last-minute victories with a season at stake and under the most agonizingly nerve-fraying circumstances. And now Eli Manning.

Only a legend can author one of the most important and memoable plays in the football history.

As Eli fought men twice his size to stay on his feet on that 3rd and 5, his will was evident in a way that it has never been before. Tonight, he made his own legend. He has earned the praise that will come forth from this world championship. I am sorry, Eli. I was wrong about you. Now please make everything go back to normal.

Ah, much better.