Street Cred thy name is Bill Simmons

"Word up, Peeps!"

I’ll admit it, I still read Bill Simmons semi-regularly. I equate this practice to patronizing the same bar your good friend used to bartend at except for the fact that he changed jobs a while ago and you no longer receive drink specials. You already know the whole staff, the layout, the songs on the jukebox, the good nights to go and the best parking locations. While the reason why you started coming there in the first place is gone, the comfort level is such that you can’t completely justify finding a new gin joint. That’s what The Sports Guy is to me. I no longer walk through those doors with lofty expectations of a tremendous time, but I know that the history is enough to keep me in that seat. At this point, I’m basically just a mailbag and NBA column reader, but I’ll peruse the occasional Patriots or Red Sox piece just to work myself up. Here’s the problem, he’s no longer the “voice of the fan”. He’s the voice of the middle aged sports nerd still trying to be hip and relevant. He rubs elbows with Jimmy Kimmel and Adam Carolla while attending Hatton-Mayweather fights and Superbowls. He’s a Hollywood guy now who happens to write. (By the way, I find Carolla to be one of the funnier guys out there. I recommend podcasting his radio show for a week and giving his humor a chance. His rants and jags are usually very funny.)

Anyway, what leads me to rip on the Sports Guy is a question he answered in his most recent mailbag with an astounding degree of authority. This questions was posed to him by Adam in Hillsville, VA:

If they were going to construct the Mount Rushmore of the rap industry, who would the four members be? Keep in mind that it is the four most influential people to the history of the industry, not necessarily the four best rappers.

I find this to be a thought provoking question, but why ask the Sports Guy?!?! He continually expresses his admiration for Eddie Vedder’s musical genius, touts the Singles soundtrack as the quintessential music of a generation and peppers his columns with up-and-coming indie rock bands that he “recommends” although it’s fairly obvious that he plucks them from his most recent Blender issue. Besides being in his twenties during the 1990's, he has very little in common hip-hop. In fact, his overall presentation, style and verbiage is aggressively anti hip-hop. Obviously, this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Just try reading a Scoop Jackson article without crying sad clown tears because this guy gets 2,000 words a week on “The World Wide Leader”. All I’m saying is that I would appreciate Kevin Powell’s informed and thoughtful answer to this question, but certainly not Bill Simmons. Let’s break this down:

You'd have to call it Mount Rapmore and, by the way, it's not a bad idea for a tourist attraction in Compton or Watts.

Because that’s where a lot of black people live! Get it!

Anyway, Tupac had the most raw talent, the biggest creative impact and the most fascinating legacy. He has to be there.

I agree with this, but I have a bone to pick with “the most raw talent”. What is this based on? The ability to flow, the lyricism, the style? It’s just a throwaway thing to say in my book. I have the most raw talent at emptying a room with my silent gas... prove me wrong.

Dr. Dre played a crucial role during rap's formative years, helped launch the West Coast sound, found Snoop and the Dogg Pound, pushed rap into the mainstream with "The Chronic" and showed everyone else how to sell out. He has to be there.

Ok, let me just say one thing here. The extended family of the Dogg Pound consisted of Daz Dillinger, Kurupt, Nate Dogg, Soopafly, RBX, Warren G, Tray Deee, Bad Azz, Lil' 1/2 Dead, Big C-Style, Lil' C-Style, Lady of Rage, Goldie Loc and Roscoe. That’s a .143 batting average. You probably could have just omitted them and strengthened your argument.

Jay-Z made the most money, bagged Beyonce and turned himself into a financial and cultural icon. He has to be there.

Based on this statement, I’m fairly certain Bill Simmons couldn’t name five Jay-Z songs.

As for the fourth spot, Eminem reached the single highest peak of any rapper; Biggie Smalls was the greatest freestyler ever and had the single most distinctive sound; and Public Enemy had a bigger influence than both of them, only you couldn't just stick Chuck D. on there because it would belittle the contributions of everyone else in the group.

Like Flava Flav?

So I keep coming back to this point: Biggie's major red flag was that he died too young, but if he had made one more memorable album, you'd pencil him in without an argument.

This isn’t a fucking Hall-of-Fame pitcher. He didn’t need another 25 wins. It’s fucking Biggie Smalls. He’s in. Christ.

Can you penalize him for dying young? I say no. Besides, you can't have a Mount Rapmore with Tupac and not Biggie when those guys are so intertwined historically. So Biggie would be my fourth pick for now, but it's up for grabs. We're an Eminem comeback album away from him knocking Biggie off and grabbing the fourth spot.

I...I quit.