When "doing what I want" goes wrong.

Over our long and illustrious history of video gaming and watching live and televised sports, AK and I have often witnessed athletic performances that are so profoundly epic that they we have created the category of "I do what I want". LeBron James dropping 31-13-6 on ESPN against No. 1-ranked Oak Hill Academy as a 17-year-old (allegedly). Randy Moss in Madden 2004. The autistic kid from Rochester (see below). Perhaps the man who put it most eloquently was Reggie Miller after his 25-point 4th quarter against the Knicks in Game 5 in the 1994 Eastern Conference Finals. At the Garden. Talking shit to Spike Lee. "I was in the zone." While this phrase is reserved for examples of organized competition at its most awe-inspiring and chill-inducing levels, we have also come to identify these words with a mentality that can only be described as absurd. Where the millions of dollars in adjusted gross income, the near-constant attention from the media and from fans, and the pressure of competition itself have transcended professional sports and have become a lifestyle. We have documented below when 'doing what I want' "ain't the best thang," as Dave Chappelle would say.

The most embarrassing athlete on the Internet.

Carl Lewis - "Break It Up"

Although Carl Lewis is more renowned for his horrific butchery of "The Star-Spangled Banner", this little-known celebration of spandex and synthesizers demonstrates just how far the rabbit hole goes. At first you're not certain what exactly this video is intended to accomplish. Is it an advertisement for one of Jack LaLanne's gyms? A promo for the United States Olympic track team? AAAAAH! It's Carl Lewis' application for gender-reassignment and an ode to his love of teamwork and world peace all in one! How did this get released to the general public? Some of the more inexplicable moments of this catastrophe include our friend looking confused as he bursts soap bubbles (:58), molesting a 70-year-old woman with oversized plastic sunglass in a jacuzzi (2:07), "sneaking off" with same woman to the sauna (2:42), and wiggling arhythmically on weight machines (entire video). This is the same man that came within sixth-hundreths of second of breaking the 100-meter world record.

I know this was the 1980s, but still, this is astonishing. I haven't even devoted time to the vocals.

Neon Deion.

Deion Sanders - "Must Be the Money"

In this monument to egocentrism, "Prime Time" himself allows us a glimpse into what he is like off-the-field. Which is exactly what he is like on it. How many of you were surprised that he watches himself dance in the mirror? Yeah, that's what I thought. I know there are many of you Cowboys and 49ers fans out there (and maybe even some aficionados of the Falcons) who believe Mr. Sanders belongs in the Hall of Fame as THE best cover cornerback ever. Certainly, there is an argument for this. But, as a football player, he was a huge, wet, dripping vagina. Anyone who watched football with some degree of regularity during the 1990s can attest to this as the motherfucker avoided contact whenever possible.

Maybe it's because "my hair is done, my fingernails [indecipherable]." If he's going to visit a stylist and get a manicure, it should, at the very least, be some sort of prostitute. Nope, it's a man. With large muscles and a sleeveless buttondown. Who undoubtedly gently carresses his head while he slips it in Deion's ass (not that there's anything wrong with that).

At some point during this video you'll notice that his lip-snyching isn't even close to the recorded track, either that, or he has no idea about the words to his own song. Unfortunately, I can't fault him for this as most of the lyrics are unintelligible. You'll also notice some suspect footwork (1:52) and a seizure (2:51 and 3:20). He made an entire album, my friends. Do not contemplate that for too long. Your brain may become vacuous and collapse unto itself.

A "wiggly" proposition.

Juan Pierre - Freestyle

Freestyle rapping is not easy. It isn't for everyone. In my own a weed-addled attempts at a coherent, adrenalin-sparking rhyme "off the top of the dome" amongst a small group of friends, I waxed poetic about the illest Civil War manuevers and sexual faux pas. I can't imagine the pressure that an amatuer must experience while attempting to spit hot fire at a World Series parade. Especially one who, for various reasons, has acquired the nickname "Cracky". So I can sympathize with Juan Pierre.

"They came to the bottom, they slipped, they slipped, and yeah we got 'em. And then we goin' ta Wrigley Field, I got the wiggly feel, we got them Cubs and you know it's all about dem loves. And then we wha? We went to New York...and then we came out and showed all our heart. Yes, we comin' down. And you know we rockin' steady, we comin' down, and yeah yes we ready..."

Ready? For what? The 2004 season? When Dan Patrick makes a sarcastic racist comment on live TV and when Linda Cohn (you can tell it's her though she isn't visible in the clip) is laughing maniacally then you should probably focus more on other pursuits. Like not making the most outs in the major leagues.

He is just as good at rapping as he is at football. I swear.

Brandon Lloyd - Freestyle

"In rap, I throw the ball to myself." That's because, in football, he can't find a quarterback to throw the ball to him. Not Mark Brunell. Not Jason Campbell. Not Alex Smith, Tim Rattay, or Ken Dorsey. Then he apprently flows into a diatribe against the media, knocking them for their criticism that he only plays for personal accolades and success. He then calls them "crackas" and let's the world know how deep his love for the Georgetown Hoyas really runs. I'm still trying to figure out from whence that came. I used to have an Othella Harrington jersey.

Rather than defending himself from these nay-sayers by rapping about how he occassionally blocks downfield on run plays, he would rather let people know that yes, I am not only in it for myself, but I also play for the money. And this is where I have an issue. If B. Lloyd were a potential Hall-of-Famer, or even if he had made a single Pro Bowl, maybe this video wouldn't piss me off as much as it does. However, he was never had a season in which he has exceeded 50 receptions. It makes me question who the real sucka is (OK, it's me because I haven't figured out a way to make "everyday Christmas" while demonstrating a consistent mediocrity relative to my peers).

In some respects I can empathize with him. Pause at the 41-second mark. I see the shame and hurt, B. It'll be ok, you can cry if you need to. At least you're not Charles Rogers.

Shaq is, indeed, alidocious.

Shaquille O'Neal featuring Fu-Schnickens - "Whats Up Doc? (Can We Rock?)"

This post is actually going to come as a surprise to AK (and to myself quite frankly). This is a rap song that I have enjoyed for many years. I can remember bringing the tape to elementary school in 5th grade. This track is off Shaquille O'Neal's breakthrough album Shaq Diesel, which actually was probably the most successful album released by an athlete. Unfortunately, the video itself is a montage of Shaq highlights (featuring the same dunk over and over and over again) and not the original.

Although the song brings a credible rap group to the table in Fu-Schnickens, this had to be posted because Shaq's lyrics are nothing short of mind-bending. Here they are. Shaq is fucking awesome and he certainly embodies on and off the court, an athlete that "does what he wants."

I'm the hooper, the hyper

Protected by Viper

When I rock the hoop yo, you'd better decipher

In other words you'd better make a funky decision (whoo)

'cause I'm a be a Shaq knife, and cut you with precision

Forget Tony Danza, I'm the boss

When it comes to money, I'm like Dick Butkas

Now who's the first pick? me, word is born and

Not a Christean Laettner, not Alonzo Mourning

That's okay, not being bragadocious

Supercalifragelistic, Shaq is alidocious

Peace, I gotta go, I ain't no joke

Now I slam it (what?) jam it (unh)

And make sure it's broke.