The fallout from the Home Run Derby is not pretty today. From 5-7 minutes of commercials in between every batter to the need to go to the Baseball Tonight crew for their "analysis" to the shameless pimping of "The Bronx is Burning" (note to ESPN: it may have started on time if you didn't feel the need to show teaser clips every half hour - I'm not going to fucking watch it, deal with it.) This was a Home Run Derby for the love of God. Did we really need analysis? Do I care that Joe Morgan thinks Ryan Howard would win because he has "incentive"? Most of America can appreciate the beauty of a professional ballplayer's swing, a bat cracking a BP pitch, and the awesome simplicity of crushed cowhide travelling far and fast into the stands of a magnificent architectural work.
They finally did it. I lost my shit last night watching the Home Run Derby on ESPN. I think it may have been immediately after Chris Berman followed "he almost hit that one to the Golden Gate Bridge" with "he almost hit that one to......ALCATRAZ" after the next home run.
Much of my ire from last night is focused on Berman. Michael Kay is loathesome enough, we don't need you celebrating it by ripping "SEEEEE YA!" from him. We all know about the "back back back back back back...GONE" seizures he was having. I felt like he was almost panicking on the inside. Like he knew that he was saying it too much, but the panicking made him say it compulsively.
Anyway, Berman may have been the weapon, but he ain't no killa. He is the pawn of a corporate Goliath that has slowly taken its grasp over our collective sports soul and has proceeded to shove filth and feces down our throats.
I've loved ESPN for many years. I woke up early before elementary school to catch Craig Kilborn, Keith Olberman, and Dan Patrick (and what the fuck happened to the old Sportscenter theme...?). I would be crushed if I missed even one game's recap during NFL Primetime. The realization of being able to access sports coverage anywhere and at anytime was like the first time I tried candy that is dandy (cocaine*, bitches).
But now I've had enough of the forced sensationalism. The weak attempts at punnery and catchprasery (not to mention WAY too much douchebaggery). Stuart Scott.
And also, what is with this "Who's Now?" bullshit anyway? I know you've caught it on the 7:00 a.m. Sportscenter. ESPN.com has tried the bracket survey thing for years and really who the fuck cares? Who makes these things? How is it relevant that America likes Kobe Bryant more than Ronaldihno?
Anyway, I have a solution. Easily superior in style, presentation, writing, and live broadcasting (and please take note of the dulcet tones of the saucy musical track). Were you not more entertained when you heard the Spanish broadcast? EL JONRON PROFUNDOOOOOOOOOO Y NOOOOOO NONONONONOOOOOO - DIGA LECHE LANZA PELOTA (rough translation) "Important homerun, [incoherent], tell me milk hits the ball".
Far more pleasing accompaniment to the video and bonus points for subtely belittling the white man.
*just kidding, that's being reserved for the Hundred Years of Futility Party
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