The Horse is Dead. I'm done beating it. I promise.

For me, listening to this spliced together is similar to the sensations I can only imagine a dog has when their trainer starts blowing that high-frequency whistle. I have only a vauge sense of what is going on, I'm pawing at my nose, there's a duece on the carpet, eyebrows are furrowed and before long I'm going to start lunging at tracheas if it doesn't stop.

Ok, now I can move on. Bring on the All-Star Game...

I died a little bit last night.

The fallout from the Home Run Derby is not pretty today. From 5-7 minutes of commercials in between every batter to the need to go to the Baseball Tonight crew for their "analysis" to the shameless pimping of "The Bronx is Burning" (note to ESPN: it may have started on time if you didn't feel the need to show teaser clips every half hour - I'm not going to fucking watch it, deal with it.) This was a Home Run Derby for the love of God. Did we really need analysis? Do I care that Joe Morgan thinks Ryan Howard would win because he has "incentive"? Most of America can appreciate the beauty of a professional ballplayer's swing, a bat cracking a BP pitch, and the awesome simplicity of crushed cowhide travelling far and fast into the stands of a magnificent architectural work.

They finally did it. I lost my shit last night watching the Home Run Derby on ESPN. I think it may have been immediately after Chris Berman followed "he almost hit that one to the Golden Gate Bridge" with "he almost hit that one to......ALCATRAZ" after the next home run.

Much of my ire from last night is focused on Berman. Michael Kay is loathesome enough, we don't need you celebrating it by ripping "SEEEEE YA!" from him. We all know about the "back back back back back back...GONE" seizures he was having. I felt like he was almost panicking on the inside. Like he knew that he was saying it too much, but the panicking made him say it compulsively.

Anyway, Berman may have been the weapon, but he ain't no killa. He is the pawn of a corporate Goliath that has slowly taken its grasp over our collective sports soul and has proceeded to shove filth and feces down our throats.

I've loved ESPN for many years. I woke up early before elementary school to catch Craig Kilborn, Keith Olberman, and Dan Patrick (and what the fuck happened to the old Sportscenter theme...?). I would be crushed if I missed even one game's recap during NFL Primetime. The realization of being able to access sports coverage anywhere and at anytime was like the first time I tried candy that is dandy (cocaine*, bitches).

But now I've had enough of the forced sensationalism. The weak attempts at punnery and catchprasery (not to mention WAY too much douchebaggery). Stuart Scott.

And also, what is with this "Who's Now?" bullshit anyway? I know you've caught it on the 7:00 a.m. Sportscenter. ESPN.com has tried the bracket survey thing for years and really who the fuck cares? Who makes these things? How is it relevant that America likes Kobe Bryant more than Ronaldihno?

Anyway, I have a solution. Easily superior in style, presentation, writing, and live broadcasting (and please take note of the dulcet tones of the saucy musical track). Were you not more entertained when you heard the Spanish broadcast? EL JONRON PROFUNDOOOOOOOOOO Y NOOOOOO NONONONONOOOOOO - DIGA LECHE LANZA PELOTA (rough translation) "Important homerun, [incoherent], tell me milk hits the ball".

Far more pleasing accompaniment to the video and bonus points for subtely belittling the white man.

*just kidding, that's being reserved for the Hundred Years of Futility Party

Derby and Rush Thoughts

Places where homerun balls ALMOST landed last night (according to Chris Berman):
Treasure Island
Sausalito
Stinson Beach
Half Moon Bay
Alcatraz Island
Bay Bridge
Golden Gate Bridge
Berkley
Burlingame

Great coverage, Christopher. Although, you did forgot Lombard Street, Fisherman's Wharf, the In-and-Out Burger in Marin and Arco Arena. Back-back-back-back-back-back-back-PLAYED OUT!!!! (Boomer, we here at Bowler and Benny think you should stick with your bread and butter: NFL Primetime and hollering at bitches)

I switched between the Homerun Derby and the AFL Divisional Playoff game between Chicago and Los Angeles. The Rush won handily and will play the San Jose Sabercats in the conference championship next week. I think I might do a running diary because, well, because there's a lot to say about this league that I've never watched until a handful of games this year. I'm still working out the kinks as evidenced by this exchange I had with Ben last night:

Myself: Watching the Arena League is like whacking off to a Pottery Barn catalogue.
Ben: (((playing along))) Dude, there aren't any women in a Pottery Barn catalogue.
Myself: I know. It's REALLY confusing.

Respect Vlad.

All-Star Break(down)

Ben and I had our yearly Homerun Derby draft last night on the phone. It makes it much more interesting if you have rooting interests, otherwise (barring astonishing performances like Bobby Abreu parking 41 or Sammy Sosa swinging and missing multiple times on BP fastballs) there is very little drama to the contest. The combatants this year are Pujols, Howard, Fielder, Guerrero, Rios, Morneau and Ordonez. Every year I always over-compensate on considerations like park dimensions, homerun derby history and previous months stats (to determine how they're grooving the ball). It would seem like having such a short porch in right field at SBC Park would automatically favor the left handed hitters (those being Morneau, Howard and Fielder). Howard also won last year and he's not playing in the All-Star game so it would seem like he's got the most mojo and focus going into this thing. After weighing everything carefully, calibrating my measurements and combing through splits... I decided to just draft whoever I thought was due.

1st pick (Ben): Howard
2nd pick (Me): Pujols
3rd pick (Ben): Fielder
4th pick (Me): Ordonez
5th pick (Ben): Rios
6th pick (Me): Guerrero
Justin Morneau was immediately designated for assignment. A Canadian already wins our NBA MVP awards, no sense encouraging them any further.

Ben notified me afterwards that Howard and Fielder will be one-two. I love this because it's a classic Ben move. Sometimes he won't even wait until a fantasy draft is over to announce that he has drafted the best team and should win the league easily. When you ask him to elaborate, he merely adds, "By at least ten games".

Random Thoughts

Eric Patterson (Yep, little brother to Corey) hit a dramatic walk-off single in the bottom of the 9th for the AAA Iowa Cubs this past weekend. What made this story interesting was the fact that he was being intentionally walked at the time. The first thing I thought (considering his genetic propensity to swing at balls out of the zone) was that there is no ball too far from the plate for a Patterson's liking. I later found out that the pitcher was serving up the free pass somewhat casually and left a meatball on the outside corner that Eric alertly swung and connected with for an easy game winner. For hard as it must have been for Billy Ripken to play in his big brother Cal's shadow in the same organization, it must oppositely be just as hard for Eric Patterson (as gifted as he is) to ascend through the Cubs farm system.

Adam LaRoche's introduction music before he steps into the batters box at home is Joe Esposito's classic "You're the Best! Around! Nothing's ever gunna keep you down!". I'm not sure how this will be received, but next time I play softball I'm bringing a boombox and playing this every time I confidently stride to the plate. My batting average will be at least .600 and I'm calling my shot at least once during the proceedings.

The Cubs and Brewers are going into the All-Star break separated by only 4.5 games atop the NL Central. I have a feeling like my day-to-day moods for the next few months will be directly tied to this number. The NL Central "games back" stat is now officially my own personal Terror Alert notification protocol. You won't necessarily be able to tell the difference in my demeanor on a daily basis, but there will be a system in place... and red is bad. Red means the Cardinals passed us.


Cubs highs and lows-
Unsung hero: Mark DeRosa. He's played 1B, 2B, 3B, RF and hasn't complained at all. His OPS is .817 and he's batting .364 with RISP. Along with Fontenot and Theriot, I like us up the middle for the next couple of years. No fake.
Goat: Scotty Eyre. 30 IP, 6.60 ERA, 2.13 WHIP , 21 BB, $4 Million. This assclown is dead to me.

Ichiro Suzuki had my favorite quote so far this year (as borrowed from Jayson Stark's excellent ESPN article): On the prospect of meeting his countryman, Daisuke Matsuzaka, for the first time in MLB, "I hope he arouses the fire that's dormant in the innermost recesses of my soul. I plan to face him with the zeal of a challenger."

If Bob Brenley fills the Cincinnati Reds vacant managerial position and Steve Stone comes back to the Cubs booth to do color, I'll never ask for anything again. Ever.