Burn on, Big River, Burn on...

With two and a half months gone in the MLB season, the Bowler and Benny would like to tip the cap to Major League (for the material) and Bill Simmons (for the form) in a brief recap. Enjoy.



Willie Mays Hayes: What the hell league you been playing in?
Rick Vaughn: California Penal...
Willie Mays Hayes: Never heard of it. How'd you end up playing there?
Rick Vaughn: Stole a car.



I still remember shaking my head after diving into the mailbox this spring and emerging with my weekly ESPN magazine issue. Elijah Dukes and Delmon Young were gracing the cover with bats slung over shoulders, both wearing broad, affable smiles. The tagline read, "The Tampa Bay Devil Rays: MLB's best team in 2009 and other bold predictions". I knew Delmon Young for two reasons: he was the crown jewel of the 2003 draft (picked first overall) and he got suspended last year for 50 games in AAA for throwing his bat at an umpire. When you hitch your wagon to a horse like that, it's bound to be a fun ride. But (to continue this flimsy Oregon Trail analogy) when all is said and done, you'll probably end up with two tots in the ground from pneumonia, a busted spoke, rancid deer meat and a decidedly unpleasant drowning death. Elijah Dukes, on the other hand, was a complete unknown to me just a few short months ago. After reading up on him, I became even more concerned about "the future". I found out that Dukes has been arrested six times, fathered five children with four different women, been suspended three times by the Devil Rays organization and a partridge in a pear tree. Most recently, Dukes reportedly impregnated a 17-year-old girl on his step-grandmother's living room couch. When the girl confronted him about the pregnancy, Dukes "...got mad and threw a Gatorade at [her]." His estranged wife also got a restraining order on him after he left threatening voicemails on her phone, highlighted by Dukes uttering the immortal words, "You dead, dawg. I ain't even [expletive]. Your kids, too."

I love baseball.

Janice Bowden: I hear baseball players make awfully good salaries now a days.
Jake Taylor: Well it all depends on how good you are.
Janice Bowden: How good are you?
Jake Taylor: I make the league minimum.

The league minimum ($380,000) All-Star team: Cole Hamels (SP- Phillies), Tom Gorzelanny (SP- Pirates), Jared Weaver (SP- Angels), Jonathan Broxton (RP- Dodgers), Huston Street (Closer- Athletics), Russell Martin (C- Dodgers), Nick Swisher (1B- Athletics), Dustin Pedroia (2B- Red Sox), J.J. Hardy (SS- Brewers), Ryan Zimmerman (3B- Nationals), Josh Willingham (OF- Marlins), Reggie Willits (OF- Angels), Ryan Church (OF-Nationals)

Rick Vaughn: I got news for you Mr. Brown, you haven't heard the last of me. You may think I'm shit now, but someday you're gonna be sorry you cut me. I'm gonna catch on somewhere else and every time that I pitch against you I'm gonna stick it up - your fuckin' - ass! [Throws baseball against locker]

Oliver Perez started his promising career in San Diego during the 2002 season. He started fifteen games and proved to be a valuable young player, but the Padres didn't seem comfortable with that premise. They packaged him with Jason Bay and sent him off to Pittsburgh for a then-beastly Brian Giles. In retrospect, this is possibly the worst MLB trade of the past five years (or at least in the top three). Bay has become a perennial All-Star and Brian Giles has become the worst fantasy baseball player on whatever team he's on. Oliver Perez sparkled in his breakout year, his 2004 stats read like this: 196 IP, 239 K's, 81 Walks, 2.99 ERA

After officially arriving on the MLB scene, an injury and resultant mental and mechanical breakdowns caused him to completely implode. The next two years he had 5.85 and 6.63 ERA respectively and looked simply overmatched at times. The Pirates, out of yet another pennant race as the trade deadline approached last year, dealt the struggling Perez to the Mets for prospects. This year's stat line? Through 75 innings, he's got 70 K's, 26 Walks and 3.21 ERA. He hasn't pitched against Pittsburgh yet, but I wouldn't be surprised if he *ahem* sticks it up their fuckin asses. Speaking of which...

Dorn: Lou, I wanna have a word with you here.
Coach Brown: Sure.
Dorn: (whipping out his contract) Those penalty sit-ups you want me to do? I got it right here in my contract that I don't have to do any calisthenics I don't feel are necessary. What do ya think of that? [Lou looks at Dorn, pauses thoughtfully, takes the contract, drops it on the ground and urinates on it, then walks off]

Much has been made of Roger Clemens and his absolutely ridiculous contract... kindly allow me to pile on. He's making 18 million (pro-rated from 28 million) and has a "family clause" which states that he can travel back to Texas in between starts to rap with the fam. It might as well be called the "Fuck You, Pay Me" clause. George Steinbrenner, after giving the go-ahead for this appropriation of funds, has officially become "a bottom". He enjoys being entered from behind. I'm now convinced.

Let's do some math, shall we?

18 million for the remained of the season. That's 4.5 million a month. Assuming he makes five starts a month and throws 100 pitches each outing... that's... let's see... carry the one... nine thousand dollars a pitch.

Nine thousand dollars every time he takes a small sphere of cowhide wound around a core of cork and throws it 60 feet into the mitt of another gentlemen for our enjoyment. Meanwhile, there are children in Africa who don't possess the nourishment needed to power their legs. I don't say this often, but maybe the terrorists are right...

Pedro Cerrano: Bats, they are sick. I cannot hit curveball. Straightball I hit it very much. Curveball, bats are afraid. I ask Jobu to come, take fear from bats. I offer him cigar, rum. He will come.

Sammy Sosa has 218 at-bats this year. He's got 10 homeruns, 60 strikeouts, 18 walks, .248 BA and .307 OBP. Every time I see him on Sportscenter creeping closer to 600 career jacks, I secretly hope they interview him after the game in front of his locker dressed as a voodoo shaman looking at the Rangers upcoming schedule and putting hexes on opposing pitchers. It would complete me.

My kinda team, Charlie, my kinda team

In this homage to a genre that was popularized by the Sports Guy (who has, of late, experienced broad criticism from many sports-related blogs for becoming just a little TOO formulaic), we submit a look back on the first two and a half months of the MLB season through the lens of memorable quotes from an indisputably classic sports movie as they correlate to what we have witnessed during the first sixty-odd games of the year.

1. "Remember, fans. Tuesday is Die Hard Night. Free admission for anyone who was actually alive the last time the Indians won the pennant."

As an aficionado of the Milwaukee Brewers, the aftermath of the Cubbies' unprecedented off-season spending spree gives me particular delight. The nadir of the season occurred during the series with the Braves when Carlos Zambrano got into a slap fight with Michael Barrett and Sweet Lou was ejected for arguing a call he knew was correct. It was clear that in dropping $290 MM and hiring Lou Piniella that management is feverishly trying to avoid the utter humiliation of a franchise going an entire century without winning a World Series. Right now they sit 5 games below .500 in a putrid NL Central.

For the uninitiated we will be hosting a cocaine and hooker party at the Four Seasons Chicago on the day on October 14, 2008. We're billing it as "The Chicago Cubs: One Hundred Years of Futility", starring Gary Sinise and musical guest, Journey. Needless to say, it's going to be AWESOME.

2. (Jake Taylor discussing his one night stand) "I had no choice. She bet me fifty dollars that she had a better body than you and I had to defend your honor."

When the New York Post published the photographs of A-Rod in Toronto with a voluptuous blonde who, was not only not his wife, but also a stripper, I was mildly amused. Given that the adventures of athletes and strip clubs and mistresses and child support are well-documented, this shouldn't really raise an eyebrow. However, there certainly is an interesting juxtaposition created by that dynamic of A-Rod being the best player in the game, the subsequent fallout from this picture that he "likes the she-male, muscular types," and remaining mindful that he is one of the most hated men in baseball (even, remarkably by the hometown fans and media).

3. "Willie Mays Hayes. I hit like Mays and I run like Hayes."

"You may run like Hayes but you hit like shit."

This interaction, of late, has reminded me of the ever-wiggly, Juan Pierre. Juan Pierre is representative of the interesting debate between traditional baseball analysts and the so-called "statheads" of the sabremetric ilk. We on this blog are ardent supporters of the latter breed, whose arguments are humorously and eloquently spearheaded by the contributors of http://www.firejoemorgan.com/

During the offseason, the Los Angeles Dodgers, swayed by anecdotal evidence and the perception that smaller Major Leaguers somehow play through their disadvantage and give far more effort than the average-sized baseball player, signed Juan Pierre to a 5 year-$45 MM deal. Also a culprit in the voluntary highway robbery of the Dodgers is relevance (or lack thereof) of traditional statistics, such as and in this case batting average, as an accurate measure of a player's performance/value relative to other players/contribution to their team, etc.

Even a cursory glace and Baseball Prospectus's advanced statistics for Juan Pierre demonstrate that he is a BELOW-AVERAGE hitter, an even worse leadoff batter, and that his .292 batting average last year is completely misleading in terms of evaluating Mr. Wiggle's baseball performance.

P.S. the Dodgers fell all over themselves to pay $9MM this year to the gentleman who made the most outs in baseball last season (that isn't a sabremetric, that is a fact).

4. "Oh come cut the 'rah rah' shit, Taylor! Year after this I go free agent. Plus me and my agent got a couple of plans for life after baseball. So I am not about to risk major injury or displace this property for a collection of stiffs!"

For baseball's resident Hessian and Benedict Arnold, Roger Clemens, who, together with Alex Rodriguez and Barry Bonds are 21st century's detestable triumvirate of future Hall-of-Famers.

Roger Clemens bathes in the blood of small children. It gives him sustenance.

But goddamn, he gets the last laugh when he gets all up in between those.

5. "Hats for bats, keep bats warm."

Magglio Ordonez is nasty. In spite of A-Rod's guady stats this year, Mags bat is "hotter than a barrel of fire" (as Krayzie Bone would say) and belongs in the AL MVP discussion. Although the hype hasn't mirrored the performance, I think that if the Tigers can remain in the hunt to win the AL Central (or the wild card), he will begin to receive the acclaim he deserves as the summer progresses.