Rudy Gay loves giving facials... wait... that doesn't sound right...

Ben said in a previous post that he reserves the right to post this video of two-time national champ Joakim Noah dancing like a fool over the course of the next season "for no particular reason". That's fine. At least he can D up.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Yi Jianlian

Yes, he's an asshole... But there's more.

Barry Lamar Bonds is a tremendous baseball player. He's the best player of the past twenty years and it's not even a debate. Nobody could possibly argue against that (except possibly Skip Bayless, but I'm fairly certain his hatred towards the world was forged at a young age when he was placed in a burlap sack and ritualistically beaten every time he produced audible laughter... so we'll give him a free pass). Bonds has a once-in-a-generation talent. His father was a three time All-Star. His godfather was the greatest centerfielder to ever pick up a bat and put on a glove. His life started in the dugout, surrounded by giants (quite literally), enveloped in a love affair with the game of baseball. And despite his prickly demeanor and his callow sense of entitlement, he excelled at a ledgendary clip. He played baseball without ever truly "playing ball" (in the social sense) and some would consider that admirable. At the age of 28, he landed back where it all began in San Francisco. He started stockpiling consecutive MVP's, continuing his already impressive collection of Gold Gloves and, eventually, augmenting his breathtaking skill with artificial growth hormones. Records were smashed. Books were written. People debated. The End. Sorta.

Here's the thing... I understand that we've been on steroid-talk overload for the past five years. I understand that we have been on Barry Bonds-talk overload for the past three years (when it became apparent that Ruth was inevitable and Aaron was entirely feasible). That being said, I don't think the overload overkill should be glanced over so cavalierly by my esteemed colleague. Justifiable disgust and the resultant antagonism, even after it has been cooled from a rolling boil to something stale and tepid, is still ever present and applicable. This upcoming 756th homerun is compromised. The very number itself doesn't really represent anything beyond that which is falsely tangible. To contend that the grace and simple beauty of Bond's swing is reason enough why we should bang pots-and-pans and stomp our feet when that baseball sails over the wall is somewhat vexing. His induction into the Hall of Fame will be the ultimate affirmation of his success on the diamond, not this particular moment. Ben was correct in stating that we can never get the numbers/eras/comparisons absolutely right, but what we can do is approach this milestone with appropriate perspective. I haven't decided to drink any Kool-Aid here, I've merely decided not to conveniently discard the context of the situation. I'll watch with rapt attention when Bonds wears the HOF jacket and addresses the crowd at Cooperstown. I'll tell my kids about the nastiness that was his approach at the plate and how pitchers FEARED him. However, I simply choose not to celebrate a (is it hallowed or hollowed?) homerun that's supposed to commemorate two decades of stellar play when the number itself isn't a true representation of the player (albeit a great one).

AK Drinks the Kool-Aid.

apparently, in order for success to be respected, admired, and lauded, an individual needs to be...

friendly.

(holy shit, abc is using a "segway" for its cameramen at the british open. and they're pimping it. this world is devolving into a hell that trumps the darkest nightmare of george orwell).

by the accounts that matter, barry bonds is an asshole. so-the-fuck-what. i am an asshole. most people i know are assholes. most of the people that i don't know are assholes. i think it's a cultural thing.

henry "hank" aaron hit 755 home runs during his major league career. to date, no one (in the major leagues - if the media is going to devote so much time to the integrity of aaron's home run total, it is completely racist of them to ignore josh gibson at this critical time) has hit more. barry bonds is still playing and has hit 753 home runs during his major league career.

(i just figured out exactly what a "belly-putter" was. it looks like stimulating the g-spot on your umbilicus improves your golf game. jim furyk is using fluff as his caddy. is there such a thing as sloppy seconds in golf?).

barry bonds will absolutely squvish hank's record.

(carnoustie is absolutely beautiful. did sergio just swipe his golf ball on his sac?)

as baseball exists into perpetuity, less attention will be paid to concrete and fixed numbers, and more will be paid to statistics that quantify the peak of an era. the pinnacle of accomplishment in a field of expertise. certainly, baseball players are more skilled, are stronger, and are (more than they have ever been) professionals. just like scientists nowadays are infinitely more advanced than those of centuries past. as always, we stand on the shoulders of giants.

the last year that hank aaron hit 40 home runs was in 1973 (at the age of 39 and, remarkably, in 392 ABs). his last 3 years of home run totals? 20-12-10 (this amounts to 42 home runs...which placed him, for his career, at 713 after the 1973 season. what a coincidence that he would return, despite having passed his prime, to break the home run record. but then again, who wouldn't do that given the circumstances? please note, however, when barry was 39, he hit 45 in 373 ABs).

(http://www.baseball-reference.com/ provides amazing figures of the circumstances under which bonds and aaron hit each of their home runs. i'm sure there is some fascinating stuff in there).

barry bonds has hit 19 homes runs this year. he is 42 and the season is a little more than half over. one could argue (perhaps if hank aaron wasn't such a nice guy) that hammerin' hank was padding his statistics once he eclipsed the babe's record. what, exactly was he contributing to a 68 and 66-win team at this time? since he was padding his stats, can we conclude that during this time hank was being an egoist and an asshole?

(sergio just hit some bystander with a golf ball and went over to check on him during play. i was this close (___) to purchasing ps3 this morning. i live in fear.)

this piece isn't intended as an argument for the validity of bonds breaking the record (i haven't even brought up performance enhancing drugs. it is impossible to quanitfy just how many home runs he would have hit without taking them) and it is certainly not made in support of aaron. it may even be a little disjointed because i am currently drunk. all things are never equal. you can only measure an individual by the circumstances under which he (or she) succeeds or fails.

and that is the substance to which this situation boils down. statistics are an integral part in measuring a baseball players performance. however, without advanced mathematical equations, we cannot compare statistice between different periods of time (i.e. several years), let alone while considering other factors. and we can never get it exactly right. we will never be able to truly compare barry and hank.

(ty wiggninton has really let himself go. bj upton has a nasty gun.)

in gross home run numbers, barry bonds is about to pass hank aaron. he is the second player (in major league baseball) to eclipse 750 home runs. he has a beautiful baseball swing. it is for the ages. baseball players such as bonds are rare. he is one of the greatest hitters ever. this is a time to celebrate his greatness. i don't care if he is reviled as a person. he can play with anyone that has ever played. when he hits 756, i'll be watching and i'll never forget.

and for that, i will applaud.

The Vickback, Toilet Literature and Just Footy

For late July, there is a tremendous amount of sports related buzz being funneled through our collective consciousness: Mike Vick and his humanitarian work, Barry Bonds and his daily struggles to keep his monstrous noggin afloat above his broad, pimply shoulders and, of course, the Beckham's driving on the right side of the road and into our hearts. I'm going to touch on these subjects for a spell:

It seems like only yesterday my boy Benny and I were in college, watching Mike Vick torch outside linebackers to the corners while lofting rangy depth charges into the Blacksburg night. I respected the game but I hated the uniform, it was a painfully undeniable fact that this kid had something. Flash forward to our 4th year and he's been drafted first overall, made the cover of Madden, broken his leg and is now back and rallying the listless Falcons offense in a meaningless late season game on Sunday Night Football. Mike Patrick, Joe Theismann and Paul Maguire are so effusive with their praise that Ben and I joke (halfway seriously) that one of them will motion to rename the position of "quarterback" to "vickback". Now? His passing arm (while strong) is merely adequate controlwise which really makes him one-dimensional, he hasn't strung together back-to-back playoff wins and his legacy just may result in an endless string of impossibly lame jokes on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno anytime a news story pertaining to dogs hits the wire. Clinton Portis kinda sums up Vick's career nicely, "...a lot of back roads got dog fights if you want to go see it. If it's behind closed doors, it's okay." Wait...WHAT?!?!

I don't care about Barry Bonds anymore. I just read Game of Shadows. Great book. It sat by my pooper for two months and I'd read a couple of pages everytime I pooped. I read about Barry Bonds and the degree to which he was/is/always will be an asshole while I sat on the john for about sixty days. Could I have taken it and placed in on the bedside table? Sure, but really, it belonged by the shitbox. A few pages here, a few pages there, usually on glorious Saturday mornings I could get through a chapter or two. I'd highly recommend the book, by the way, a genuine page turner. Maybe I would grab a couple quick sentences while taking a drunken number one while standing up... but I would usually have to go back and reread those anyway... what with the wobbling and whatnot... what was I talking about? (The best part is, I passed the book onto my Dad when I was done. Wow. I hope he doesn't read this.)

I love the feature articles in most every sports publication here in "the States" that pose the question "Can David Beckham save soccer in America?". That question is faulty on so many levels that it astounds me. First off, David Beckham is an aging superstar who has more impact with the marketability of the Galaxy than skill to help propel them to a championship (They trail first place Houston by 20 points). Secondly, soccer doesn't need "saving" as far as any typical USA sports enthusiast can tell you. I think this idea arises from the flawed supposition that this country's teeming population of sports loving pseudo-sophisticates are secretly preparing for the day that they will flip their Footy Loving Switch to ON because of a comparable Magic Johnson/Larry Bird/Michael Jordan moment happening on the pitch of an MLS game. People will agree, they'll say, "Aye, and Pele almost worked! Remember that!" And in literal taking... Yes, that is technically true... but, once again literally speaking... Communism almost worked too. There are reasons we attach the word almost to phrases. And yes, I understand that I am being somewhat flippant, but there's a reason.

Soccer lives and breathes as this globe does. It pulses on every inhabitable surface of this planet and has endured for as long as any other organized sport in mankind. Truth be told, there is a pocket of the United States that celebrates this game and plays it and watches it and loves it. They are a minority, but they exist. What the U.S. misguidedly aims for are the "casual fans" to jump aboard and support a game that didn't formulate on American soil. To see the best, means you must cast your eyes across the Atlantic. To watch the World Cup, means you must root for an underdog. It's a little much to ask when we generally gravitate to sports we feel superior with, those which we dominate other countries at (as far as professional leagues go - NBA, MLB, PGA (sorta - Tiger), NASCAR, etc). We even took the name football, changed around the rules of rugby, practiced this new game, perfected it and now the NFL makes 4 billion annually and Friday Night Lights is the best show on TV that nobody is talking about. That's what we're all about... Beautifully... Fucking... Illustrated...

By the way, I happen to like soccer/football. FIFA on the PS2 was a revelation for me. Ditto the Premier League. But it's just not meant to be an American passion, it just doesn't mesh here. And that's OK.

I think, the game of soccer will not be relevant in the good ole U.S.A. until a scrappy kid from Winthrop, Massachusetts who doesn't know any better leads a untested but talented squad of equally scrappy 20-somethings past a heavily favored Brazil team in ominously colored uniforms during the 2022 World Cup in Los Angeles which can be later parlayed into a Disney movie and a scorching American love affair with the game known as "just footy".

Oh wait, that sounds a lot like Mike Eruzione. He still seems like a pretty cool guy.

But, the NHL still sucks.

...

Just forget I said anything.

The Horse is Dead. I'm done beating it. I promise.

For me, listening to this spliced together is similar to the sensations I can only imagine a dog has when their trainer starts blowing that high-frequency whistle. I have only a vauge sense of what is going on, I'm pawing at my nose, there's a duece on the carpet, eyebrows are furrowed and before long I'm going to start lunging at tracheas if it doesn't stop.

Ok, now I can move on. Bring on the All-Star Game...

I died a little bit last night.

The fallout from the Home Run Derby is not pretty today. From 5-7 minutes of commercials in between every batter to the need to go to the Baseball Tonight crew for their "analysis" to the shameless pimping of "The Bronx is Burning" (note to ESPN: it may have started on time if you didn't feel the need to show teaser clips every half hour - I'm not going to fucking watch it, deal with it.) This was a Home Run Derby for the love of God. Did we really need analysis? Do I care that Joe Morgan thinks Ryan Howard would win because he has "incentive"? Most of America can appreciate the beauty of a professional ballplayer's swing, a bat cracking a BP pitch, and the awesome simplicity of crushed cowhide travelling far and fast into the stands of a magnificent architectural work.

They finally did it. I lost my shit last night watching the Home Run Derby on ESPN. I think it may have been immediately after Chris Berman followed "he almost hit that one to the Golden Gate Bridge" with "he almost hit that one to......ALCATRAZ" after the next home run.

Much of my ire from last night is focused on Berman. Michael Kay is loathesome enough, we don't need you celebrating it by ripping "SEEEEE YA!" from him. We all know about the "back back back back back back...GONE" seizures he was having. I felt like he was almost panicking on the inside. Like he knew that he was saying it too much, but the panicking made him say it compulsively.

Anyway, Berman may have been the weapon, but he ain't no killa. He is the pawn of a corporate Goliath that has slowly taken its grasp over our collective sports soul and has proceeded to shove filth and feces down our throats.

I've loved ESPN for many years. I woke up early before elementary school to catch Craig Kilborn, Keith Olberman, and Dan Patrick (and what the fuck happened to the old Sportscenter theme...?). I would be crushed if I missed even one game's recap during NFL Primetime. The realization of being able to access sports coverage anywhere and at anytime was like the first time I tried candy that is dandy (cocaine*, bitches).

But now I've had enough of the forced sensationalism. The weak attempts at punnery and catchprasery (not to mention WAY too much douchebaggery). Stuart Scott.

And also, what is with this "Who's Now?" bullshit anyway? I know you've caught it on the 7:00 a.m. Sportscenter. ESPN.com has tried the bracket survey thing for years and really who the fuck cares? Who makes these things? How is it relevant that America likes Kobe Bryant more than Ronaldihno?

Anyway, I have a solution. Easily superior in style, presentation, writing, and live broadcasting (and please take note of the dulcet tones of the saucy musical track). Were you not more entertained when you heard the Spanish broadcast? EL JONRON PROFUNDOOOOOOOOOO Y NOOOOOO NONONONONOOOOOO - DIGA LECHE LANZA PELOTA (rough translation) "Important homerun, [incoherent], tell me milk hits the ball".

Far more pleasing accompaniment to the video and bonus points for subtely belittling the white man.

*just kidding, that's being reserved for the Hundred Years of Futility Party

Derby and Rush Thoughts

Places where homerun balls ALMOST landed last night (according to Chris Berman):
Treasure Island
Sausalito
Stinson Beach
Half Moon Bay
Alcatraz Island
Bay Bridge
Golden Gate Bridge
Berkley
Burlingame

Great coverage, Christopher. Although, you did forgot Lombard Street, Fisherman's Wharf, the In-and-Out Burger in Marin and Arco Arena. Back-back-back-back-back-back-back-PLAYED OUT!!!! (Boomer, we here at Bowler and Benny think you should stick with your bread and butter: NFL Primetime and hollering at bitches)

I switched between the Homerun Derby and the AFL Divisional Playoff game between Chicago and Los Angeles. The Rush won handily and will play the San Jose Sabercats in the conference championship next week. I think I might do a running diary because, well, because there's a lot to say about this league that I've never watched until a handful of games this year. I'm still working out the kinks as evidenced by this exchange I had with Ben last night:

Myself: Watching the Arena League is like whacking off to a Pottery Barn catalogue.
Ben: (((playing along))) Dude, there aren't any women in a Pottery Barn catalogue.
Myself: I know. It's REALLY confusing.

Respect Vlad.

All-Star Break(down)

Ben and I had our yearly Homerun Derby draft last night on the phone. It makes it much more interesting if you have rooting interests, otherwise (barring astonishing performances like Bobby Abreu parking 41 or Sammy Sosa swinging and missing multiple times on BP fastballs) there is very little drama to the contest. The combatants this year are Pujols, Howard, Fielder, Guerrero, Rios, Morneau and Ordonez. Every year I always over-compensate on considerations like park dimensions, homerun derby history and previous months stats (to determine how they're grooving the ball). It would seem like having such a short porch in right field at SBC Park would automatically favor the left handed hitters (those being Morneau, Howard and Fielder). Howard also won last year and he's not playing in the All-Star game so it would seem like he's got the most mojo and focus going into this thing. After weighing everything carefully, calibrating my measurements and combing through splits... I decided to just draft whoever I thought was due.

1st pick (Ben): Howard
2nd pick (Me): Pujols
3rd pick (Ben): Fielder
4th pick (Me): Ordonez
5th pick (Ben): Rios
6th pick (Me): Guerrero
Justin Morneau was immediately designated for assignment. A Canadian already wins our NBA MVP awards, no sense encouraging them any further.

Ben notified me afterwards that Howard and Fielder will be one-two. I love this because it's a classic Ben move. Sometimes he won't even wait until a fantasy draft is over to announce that he has drafted the best team and should win the league easily. When you ask him to elaborate, he merely adds, "By at least ten games".

Random Thoughts

Eric Patterson (Yep, little brother to Corey) hit a dramatic walk-off single in the bottom of the 9th for the AAA Iowa Cubs this past weekend. What made this story interesting was the fact that he was being intentionally walked at the time. The first thing I thought (considering his genetic propensity to swing at balls out of the zone) was that there is no ball too far from the plate for a Patterson's liking. I later found out that the pitcher was serving up the free pass somewhat casually and left a meatball on the outside corner that Eric alertly swung and connected with for an easy game winner. For hard as it must have been for Billy Ripken to play in his big brother Cal's shadow in the same organization, it must oppositely be just as hard for Eric Patterson (as gifted as he is) to ascend through the Cubs farm system.

Adam LaRoche's introduction music before he steps into the batters box at home is Joe Esposito's classic "You're the Best! Around! Nothing's ever gunna keep you down!". I'm not sure how this will be received, but next time I play softball I'm bringing a boombox and playing this every time I confidently stride to the plate. My batting average will be at least .600 and I'm calling my shot at least once during the proceedings.

The Cubs and Brewers are going into the All-Star break separated by only 4.5 games atop the NL Central. I have a feeling like my day-to-day moods for the next few months will be directly tied to this number. The NL Central "games back" stat is now officially my own personal Terror Alert notification protocol. You won't necessarily be able to tell the difference in my demeanor on a daily basis, but there will be a system in place... and red is bad. Red means the Cardinals passed us.


Cubs highs and lows-
Unsung hero: Mark DeRosa. He's played 1B, 2B, 3B, RF and hasn't complained at all. His OPS is .817 and he's batting .364 with RISP. Along with Fontenot and Theriot, I like us up the middle for the next couple of years. No fake.
Goat: Scotty Eyre. 30 IP, 6.60 ERA, 2.13 WHIP , 21 BB, $4 Million. This assclown is dead to me.

Ichiro Suzuki had my favorite quote so far this year (as borrowed from Jayson Stark's excellent ESPN article): On the prospect of meeting his countryman, Daisuke Matsuzaka, for the first time in MLB, "I hope he arouses the fire that's dormant in the innermost recesses of my soul. I plan to face him with the zeal of a challenger."

If Bob Brenley fills the Cincinnati Reds vacant managerial position and Steve Stone comes back to the Cubs booth to do color, I'll never ask for anything again. Ever.

81 Games: Halfway Home

Best MLB records in June

Seattle Mariners...........18-9
Milwaukee Brewers......17-9
Anaheim Angels...........17-9
Chicago Cubs...............17-11
Detroit Tigers...............16-10

NL Central
------------------------W---L------PCT---GB-----
Milwaukee------48---34----.585-------------
Chicago----------41---40----.506----6.5-----
St. Louis---------37---42----.468----9.5-----
Houston --------36---47----.434----12.5----
Pittsburgh------35---47----.427----13------
Cincinnati------31---51----.378----17------