Bowlerside: NBA Preview according to "Snatch"

Miami Heat (42-40)

BORIS - Heavy is good. Heavy is reliable. If it doesn't work, you can always hit him with it.

Here's all I'm saying... Shaquille O'Neal is entering his 16th NBA season. That's 16 Shaq years - getting hacked in the lane, playing late into the playoffs, doing his own stunts in Kazaam. Those years will wear on you and, over time, it will start to show. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar had a well-documented decline from dominance after his 15th season. Russell and Chamberlin never made it to a 15th season. It's a given that Shaq is going to miss at least 20 games and the fact remains - this is a very defensible team without him on the floor. Alonzo Mourning was born in 1970 and has a transplanted kidney. That leaves Mark Blount and Udonis Haslem in the frontcourt. It looks like a fantasy hoops team from waiver wire hell. I like Haslem though. He's a throwback Horace Grant, so... you know... RESPECT.

Dwyane Wade is the man. He is still easily a Top 5 NBA player despite losing in the first round of the playoffs last year (he was playing through injuries and it was all too apparent). What concerns me is Smush Parker, Jason Williams, Ricky Davis and Dorell Wright being considered your "glue guys". I mean, those guys are ALL-right. I'm just having a hard time seeing any of them making the jump which is what this team needs. The funny thing is on paper, this lineup actually looks halfway compelling (hell, Penny Hardaway is even making a cameo appearance) but things just don't look right. It's like a sitcom that should have wrapped it up a couple of years ago and now the writers are killing it with convoluted storylines, hackneyed gimmicks and a shameless procession of new guest stars. In this example, Pat Riley will play the role of Mr. Belding.



Portland Trailblazers (32-50)


MICKY - Ya bought it as you saw it.
TOMMY - Sorry Mickey, just give us our money back and you can keep the caravan.
MICKY - Why would I wanna caravan with no fuckin wheels?

I think the Trailblazers are going to be very good... just not this season. Portland, with the first overall pick of this summer's draft, selected a little known center from Ohio State named Greg Oden. I believe that his recently reported season ending knee surgery, while a major roadblock for the franchise, will pay off handsomely for "Greg Oden: The Man". He'll have a year to contemplate the NBA and grow as a student of the game. The expectations and direct comparisons to fellow draft standout Kevin Durant have greatly evaporated into a forgotten pub argument. I believe, with Oden's extra year, Portland will be a better team in the long run as strange as that seems. They have an talented young core consisting of Brandon Roy, Jarrett Jack, Channing Frye and LaMarcus Aldridge which I think should keep them in the playoff picture for the next couple of years (even in a loaded Western Conference). I think the major question here concerns Nate McMillan, who hasn't really distinguished himself yet as an NBA coach. The promise on the roster is also accompanied with fairly large question marks which McMillan must address... Will Martell Webster's ceiling be as high as his preternatural athleticism might dictate? Can Steve Blake and James Jones be relevant... like, ACTUALLY relevant? Does Josh McRoberts really have ladyparts? Basically, there's a lot up in there air.

:::Snatch Aside::: My favorite part of this scene is the way Mickey jumps up from his seat as Gorgeous George approaches when the first trace of hostility arrives regarding the "cavavan with no fuckin wheels". It's so naturalistic, believable and utterly perfect for the character. After that moment, I believed everything Mickey did. It was like Pitt let you know early in this movie, "You're about to see something else."


Atlanta Hawks (35-47)

BOXING PATRON - Thanks for the tip, Bricktop!
BRICKTOP - Listen you fuckin fringe, if I throw a dog a bone I don’t wanna know if it tastes good or not. You stop me again whilst I’m walking and I’ll cut your fuckin jacobs off. [slices boxing patron and walks out]

It's been eight lonely seasons since Atlanta has been in the postseason (longest in the NBA), so I'm pretty comfortable calling them "fringe". In the past ten years, they have dutifully become the Eastern Conference's version of the LA Clippers with a glut of lottery picks and conspicuous lack of success. Here are their last four lottery picks: Al Horford (2007 - 3rd), Shelden Williams (2006 - 5th), Marvin Williams (2005 - 2nd), Josh Childress (2004 - 6th). I know that hindsight is 20/20, but with those very same picks they could have nabbed Brandon Roy, Chris Paul and Loul Deng. They swooped up Acie Law IV who is going to be the truth, but that's the problem... They have too many young swing guys playing the same position. They look like a better pick-up basketball team than an NBA squad. However, I do think Horford will be a very solid NBA player with the skills he has for his size, but there are just too many question marks. Joe Johnson and Josh Smith are the faces of this organization, which means that 98% of the country can't pick your biggest stars out of a lineup. That's not to say that they can't ball, which they can, especially Johnson (25 ppg, 4.4 apg, 4.2 rpg). What I am saying is that it's hard to see them bringing it all together. What's different about this year than the seven previous? How are you going to compete when Zaza Pachulia, Speedy Claxton and Tyronn Lue are averaging more than 25 minutes per game? Who is Mike Woodson? Did anyone know that Woodson has been coaching the Hawks for the past three years? My head hurts.

Here's the bottom line, with every passing year it's getting more and more difficult to watch Dominique Wilkins on Spud Webb on ESPN Classic. My cognitive dissonance won't allow me to associate "Atlanta Hawks" with "Playoff Team" and I start jumping to outlandish conclusions... There has been a rift in the space/time continuum, black is white, up is down and my television is broadcasting "classic" Atlanta Hawks basketball!!!! This is usually the point when I draw all the shades, crawl into the corner and wait for something normal to happen... it rarely does.



Houston Rockets (51-31)

VINNY - I thought you said he was a getaway driver? What the fuck can he get away from, eh?!?

I think the Yao Ming story is a fascinating one. In the past five years, Yao has transformed himself into an absolute box score monster. Last year he averaged 25 ppg (.516 FG%), 9.4 rpg, 2bpg while missing 34 games. The year before that he was good for 22.3 ppg (.519 FG%), 10.2 rpg, 1.6 bpg while missing 25 games. Those are All-Star numbers, but what those numbers don't say about Yao is that he's a nice, unassuming man who enjoys playing basketball, relaxing with a marginal amount of PS3, starting a family with his extremely tall wife and eating homemade Chinese cuisine. His numbers have been respectable in the playoffs, but he's not the Alpha Dog that Houston so desperately needs. Someone who can flip a switch and elevate his game, be ruthless if need be, and lead an emotionally charged surge of momentum into a hard-fought road game against a bitter foe. Now, some of this blame rests on Tracy McGrady if we're going to be completely accurate. He's been trying to getaway from the 1st round his entire career while putting up Kobe numbers. That's a pretty big matzah ball right there. They've had two 50 win seasons together and forced two first round Game 7's in both those years (Dallas in 2005 and Utah in 2007). So the big question is... has anything changed? The answer is plenty.

They've got an upgrade at coach (Rick Adelman), a two-time Spanish League MVP (Luis Scola), three scoring point guards to spread the floor (Mike James, a renewed Steve Francis and rookie Aaron Brooks), a back-from-injury Bonzi Wells, And1 baller Skip-To-My-Lou (Rafer Alston) coming off a down year... Add that to Yao, McGrady and Shane Battier (Dukies love taking charges) and you've got another 50 win team. Will they make it past the first round this year? If it means Dikembe "Who wants to sex" Mutombo will have one last chance to dance, then I'm all for it.



Sacramento Kings (35-47)

BRICKTOP - Is he fucking stoned?
TURKISH - He’s like that before a fight.


Ron Artest is an all time favorite of mine. He was on my fantasy team (along with Jermaine O'Neal) the year "The Malice at the Palace" went down. There really is no comparison to the sensations you have when the small forward you drafted in the 4th round jumps into the stands and starts swinging at fans. Moments later, your 1st overall pick knocks out a blitzing Pistons fan. It's a truly special fantasy sports moment. Amazingly enough, I somehow managed to win that league (and by "somehow" I mean LeBron James).

Let's have a look-see at this lineup: Artest, Mike Bibby, Brad Miller, Shareef Abdur-Rahim... My mind keeps thinking, "this would have been a helluva team in 2003" and that's really the crux of the case. Kevin Martin is just a smaller version of Rashard Lewis, which isn't damning as long as Martin can learn to start filling up other columns on the box score besides points. Mikki Moore jumps into the fray after cashing in on his career year. Seriously, where did this guy come from? Has anyone ever made the jump after their 9th season? It seems like lottery pick Spencer Hawes could go either way... Kenny Thomas and Francisco Garcia are a serviceable backup frontcourt... I just don't know. As of right now, factoring in 3.5 Artest meltdowns, I'm going with 35 wins. On a related note, the Maloof Brothers just bought property behind the Great Wall. On the good side! Eh, you're all right!



LA Clippers (32-50)

SOL - No, it's a moissanite.
BAD BOY LINCOLN - A what-a-nite?
SOL - A moissanite is an artificial diamond, Lincoln. It's Mickey Mouse, man. Spurious. Not genuine. And it's worth... Fuck-all.

Remember the 2006 playoffs when the Lakers got up 3-1 against the Suns in the first round and everyone was buzzing about a possible LA Lakers/LA Clippers Conference Semis? That might have been the high point for Clippers basketball in our lifetime. If the Suns hadn't comeback to win that series, the Clippers would have beaten the Lakers soundly in the much anticipated Angeles matchup. I'm convinced of that much. However, reality set in, the Suns took their place in the Western Conference Finals and the Clippers have been in a nosedive ever since. Since 1976, they've made the playoffs a total of four times, only making it out of the first round once (2006). Read that sentence again. I dare you.

I think God (or whatever sports watching higher being exists) was just fucking with us when he bestowed upon the Clippers a 47 win season. Luckly for us, that hallucination is over and it's business as usual. Elton Brand is out for the season. They locked up Chris Kaman to a $55 million/5year contract (whew, I thought he might walk). Tim Thomas somehow wrangled a $24 million/4 year deal even though he's never technically had a prime. Shaun Livingston is returning from that made-for-youtube injury and it's becoming painfully obvious that the "he sees the court like Magic Johnson" talk needs to stop. Sam Cassell is starting to show his age. Corey Maggette and Cuttino Mobley are nice players, but not world beaters able to carry a team. My prediction... irrelevant by Groundhogs Day.



Orlando Magic (44-38)

BRICKTOP - I don’t care if he’s Mohammed Imad Bruce Lee. You can’t change fighters.
TURKISH - Look, you've still got your fight.
BRICKTOP - No, I lose all bets to the bookies, you can't change fighters at the last minute so no, I don't have my fight do I? You fucking prat!

My favorite sports related saga of the summer? That's easy, Billy Donovan's unnecessary crisis of the heart. Once the media started covering this story, part of me was sympathetic to his difficult decision while another part of me was thinking, "What a grand-standing blowhard". I know this doesn't really have anything to do with the Orlando Magic as it stands right now, but what the hell was that all about? It had never previously occurred to me that life changing choices could be mulled over, slept on, decided upon, signed on the dotted line and later rescinded because you had a darling story about how you woke up the next morning and thought, "What have I done!?" Hey Bill, you signed a contract for millions of dollars to coach the Orlando Magic yesterday, now get up and make some coffee.

That being said, I think the Orlando Magic are ready to crawl out of that 3rd place in the Southeast Division rut they've been in for the last three years. I think they'll finish... 2nd in the Southeast Division behind the Wizards. Interesting team though, maybe a year away.



Detroit Pistons (48-34)

SOL - We have GOT to get rid of these bodies. That one over there with the tea cosy on his head is starting to stink.


The Detroit Pistons are old and getting older. Chauncey Billups is entering his 11th season. Antonio McDyess is entering his 12th season. Rasheed Wallace is entering his 13th season. They only have one true center on their roster (Nazr Mohammed) who lost his job to Chris Webber late last season and hardly logged any time in the playoffs. Last year, the closest thing they had to a deadeye long distance shooter was Tayshaun Prince (.386 3P%) which is respectable but hardly a game planning nightmare. Richard Hamilton, who is still lingering in his prime, is their best offensive player even though he's most effective off the ball, rolling off screens and spotting up. I like Flip Murray, but at this point he's almost exclusively a complimentary player.

They shocked the world (and the Lakers) in 2004 to win the championship. They raced out of the gates in 04-05 and achieved a stellar record, but wore out their starters during the season and fizzled against the Heat in the conference semis. The 05-06 campaign was efficient, injury-free and once again built on seasoned team defense... but the playoffs really marked the sign of the times. It took them three series-clinching games to finally finish off the precocious Bulls and then got bounced by LeBron and the Cavaliers in the first "changing of the guard" moment in the Eastern Conference since MJ hung up his red jersey in 1998. Bottomline, the Pistons look like they are getting 7% worse every year (a totally accurate statistic) while the Cavs and Bulls are gaining momentum. Jason Maxiell and Amir Johnson are a testament to GM Joe Dumars ability to identify buried talent in a NBA draft landscape filled with ritzy names that often disappoint, but I have a feeling the last hurrah for this edition of the Bad Boys is closer than previously thought.



LA Lakers (41-41)

TURKISH - You show me how to control a wild fuckin’ gypsy and I’ll show you how to control an unhinged, pig feeding gangster!

Kobe Bryant and Phil Jackson have more needless and idiotically dramatic soundbites than an Oprah Winfrey Summit on Hip Hop (sexist and misogynistic lyrics! says who!?!). Instead of a room full of white women shaking their heads at Damon Dash and Russell Simmons and nodding with Oprah, we're privy to the most tiresome sports melodrama since... well, Shaq and Kobe. Don't get me wrong, Kobe is nothing short of the greatest player in the game right now. "Half-man, half-amazing," as Nas would say. Also, I will always hold a special place in my heart for Phil Jackson and the tremendous job he did with the Bulls in the 1990's. But Jeeeeeeeeeeeesus, we need to get this reoccurring headline out of the papers. Kobe isn't happy, Jerry Buss isn't happy, Phil isn't happy... That's it. It's tiresome and actually distracts people from the real issue which is that this team is AWFUL. Let's break'em down:

Lamar Odom is a good NBA player. There's one. Luke Walton plays hard, passes the ball well and has improved every year since joining the league. Derek Fisher will steady the backcourt with Bryant and knock down some shots along the way. After that, things pick up some serious downhill momentum. Kwame Brown, Chris Mihm and Andrew Bynum patrol the paint. Vladimir Radmanovic and Sasha Vujacic are the token Euros who are really just warm bodies who fill 15 minutes per game. Brian Cook and Ronny Turiaf look like career benchwarmers and, if you put a gun to my head, I'd probably rather have The King and Duck on my team. And let's be honest, it's never a good sign when fictional basketball players who sell out on every ball fake are starting to look like serviceable alternatives.



Charlotte Bobcats (40-42)

VINNY - What the fuck do you mean Replicas?
SOL - They look the shit, don't they? And nobody is going to argue. And I've got some extra loud blanks just incase.
VINNY - Oh, incase we have to deafen them to death!

The Bobcats have been in existence for 4 years and are stealthily ascending the NBA ranks. They won 18 games their first season, 26 in their second and 33 in their third. It's entirely feasible, with the offseason acquisitions they've made, that this will be the year they win 40 games and sneak into the Eastern Conference playoffs. Gerald Wallace and Jason Richardson make up the most underrated scoring combo in the league. Wallace is slasher while Richardson is a better perimeter shooter, both can rebound and play defense. If Emeka Okafor can stay healthy and Raymond Felton can become the undisputed floor general, then this young core of players could vie for the Southeast Division with the Magic for years to come. The injuries to Sean May and Adam Morrison will hurt, well, May missing significant time will hurt. Sharp shooters like Matt Carroll and Walter Herrmann will stretch the floor for Primoz Brezec and ACC Player of the Year Jared Dudley. But let's be completely honest, the only reason I'm so unabashedly optimistic is because I know MJ, as a minority owner, has veto powers and I will always - ALWAYS - follow that man.


Dallas Mavs (59-23)

TURKISH - There's a gun in your trousers. What is a gun doing in your trousers?
TOMMY - It’s for protection.
TURKISH - Protection from what? Ze Germans?

Calm down everyone. Dirk Nowitzki is still the reigning MVP. The Mavericks are still fresh off a 67 win season and one season removed from a Finals appearance. When there is a colossal upset in the playoffs, people immediately jump to the conclusion that the favorite choked. While I understand that the playoffs is where you stake your claim to basketball immortality, I think it’s a little melodramatic to start wringing our hands and talking about blowing this team up. Josh Howard was a beast in the ACC and he’s a beast now. Why wasn't he a lottery pick? I don’t think I’ll ever know. Any team with those two guys in the frontcourt should be in just about any game. Jason Terry, Jerry Stackhouse and Devin Harris comprise a worthy backcourt that plays well within the system Avery Johnson uses. DeSagana Diop and Erick Dampier aren't your first choice for beefy bodies to clog the lane, but they go a good job of filling minor roles and miraculously don't spike themselves with regular frequency. The Mavericks have a deep bench filled with intriguing young pups, many of who have familiar names that make you think, "Oh yeah, that guy". Maurice Ager (MSU), Brandon Bass (LSU), Nick Fazekas (Nevada) and Pops Mensah-Bonsu (George Washington) are some names I'll be intently watching as the season moves along. All in all, I expect them to rebound from last years playoff snafu... which reminds me...



Golden State Warriors (46-36)

BRICKTOP - Do you know what Nemesis means? [Vinny, Sol and Lincoln are silent] A righteous infliction of retribution manifested by an appropriate agent. Personified in this case by a horrible cunt.... Me.

Don Nelson sent the double-barrel middle fingers to Dallas this past spring with that historic Cinderella win against his old team. The David and Goliath plotline played out nicely, but what's even more significant is that the Warriors have had a mini-renaissance over the past two years. Baron Davis, when healthy, is about the best there is at point guard. Monta Ellis took the first steps to NBA star status, now he just has to grow on it (he's still only 22 years old). Al Harrington and Stephen Jackson remain light-years ahead of Mike Dunleavy and Troy Murphy. Mickael Pietrus, Matt Barnes and Andris Biedrins are solid hustle guys, still young, still hungry, still fighting for minutes. Rookie Brandon Wright looks to contribute immediately in a wide open system that rewards pressing and atheism. All told, this year could prove to be Nelly's biggest middle finger ever. Stay Tuned.


Minnesota Timberwolves (29-53)

BRICKTOP - What do you think, Errol?
ERROL - I think we should drip-dry'em, gov'nah... While we've got the chance.
BRICKTOP - It was a rectorial question, Errol. What have I told you about thinking?

It's official, GM Kevin McHale's gangly self has slammed his head into one too many door frames. Not long after the All-Star break last year, the T'Wolves started marketing season tickets for the upcoming year with the tagline, "Blueprint for the Future". That's even worse than the 2002 Bulls pitch "Through Thick and Thin". Management is basically telling the fans that the present is going to be painful, but buy some season ticket packages... who knows? Well, I do. Minnesota is going to suck for a good long time. Garnett should have been traded after the 2005 season when demand was at its absolute highest and the cap room could have been helped the most. That opinion notwithstanding... let's do some math:

2007/08 Timberwolves = Crappy 2006/07 Celtics - Paul Pierce - Delonte West - Wally Szczerbiak - Mark Blount +Antoine Walker + Michael Doleac + Randy Foye

Blueprint for the Future!


Toronto Raptors (44-38)

COUSIN AVI - I don't like leaving my own country, Doug, and I especially don't like leaving it for anything less than warm sandy beaches and cocktails with little straw hats.
DOUG THE HEAD - We've got sandy beaches...
AVI - So? Who the fuck wants to see 'em?

I think the Raptors are a refreshing team. Great balance. Great European talent. I like the quiet, humble superstar surrounded by capable (even exceptional) role players. It all adds up. Chris Bosh is a special player, unique for his team first virtues. I forsee a decade of memorable matchups between Dwight Howard and Bosh in the playoffs. ESPN Classic-style. I remember when the Bulls drafted Hinrich ahead of TJ Ford, I was visibly shaken. Captain Kirk ended up working out nicely, but the gap between the two isn't as great as you'd think. TJ Ford can play this game.

---time gap---

It's funny because I just had my fantasy draft between that paragraph and this one. I took Bosh, Ford, Bargnani and Garbajosa. Talk about the power of suggestion.


Chicago Bulls (50-32)

TURKISH -You take sugar?
BRICKTOP - No thanks, Turkish. I'm sweet enough.

I'll keep it short and sweet with my Bulls. There are a lot of pundits out there in SportsWorld that see the Chicago Bulls rising up and overcoming this year. I don't want to go there yet, but what I am willing to say is that I have faith in the front office to make us better each and every year. GM John Paxton has earned my trust. So too has coach Scott Skiles. If we make the mid-season deal for Pau Gasol or even if we don't, I'm completely optimistic that smart basketball men are behind those moves (or non-moves). These Bulls are a fun ticket almost every night - they play the passing lanes, they shoot the ball, they play stifling defense. I'm not quick to anoint them nor am I quick to exalt them, but I'm ready to see what they can do. This seed was planted during the 2004-05 season and I have watched it bloom ever since. It's my hope that come May, I’ll have a reason to stomp my feet again... And that's good enough for me.