The Best of Bowler & Benny: The 2008 Edition

It seems like every December we all subconsciously (or perhaps semiconsciously) slip into a deeper state of self-inquiry. We examine the changes we’ve undergone in the past twelve months, attempt to extract some significance from those observations and then hopefully act on these newly actualized precepts... but in the end, we're more likely to simply eat too much, drink the drinks of the season and wait for the standard “best of the year” lists to roll in.

This has been a solid sophomore campaign for the Bowler & Benny. We’ve added Kurt Dirty, the resident tea sipper extraordinaire. His insights on The Beautiful Game have added a certain sophistication to this space and his contributions are immeasurable. As far as sport, we have been afforded probably the most memorable year in recent memory. The Giants over the Patriots in an epic Superbowl. The Final Four populated by four #1 seeds. Manchester United and Chelsea in an All-EPL Champions League Final. The Lakers/Celtics rivalry renewed. Tiger Woods at his career defining best. The Tampa Bay Rays improbable run. And of course, the 2008 Detroit Lions in all their glory.

Now, I understand that we took a 4-month break between July and November so that takes the luster off the breadth of our 2008 coverage. But really, we got busy. Ben is double dipping with school and work, Dirty is engaged and I’m… well, I’m just lazy. The Cubs and Brewers broke our hearts and Brett Favre made Ben’s ability to do anything beyond chew food and swallow a difficult task (read: limited bathing). Despite this seeming let down, we managed to churn out 46 posts. We’ll take it.

To any new readers, please become a Bowler & Benny supporter by clicking on the link to the right. It would be greatly appreciated.

10.Sean Singletary's Legacy
Monday, March 10, 2008

It’s been a tough season for Mr. Singletary. He was drafted by the Sacramento Kings as the 42nd overall pick and played some impressive summer league minutes (an oxymoron to be sure). Just as he was getting settled, he was traded to Houston on the eve of the season only to be traded a day later to Phoenix. Due to some early injuries to Leandro Barbosa, Singletary got some playing time for about a week in November with a couple serviceable outings. In the past two weeks, he was again traded to Charlotte (on his fourth team before logging his 126th minute of NBA floor time). It’s too early to say anything, after all, there is a precedent of standout Virginia guards taking some time to blossom at the professional ranks. In the end, I know #44 has got the chops to make it if he lands in the right system with the right coach.

9.The Descent of Man
Thursday, January 17, 2008

I love January because even if your boyhood football team hasn’t played a meaningful game in weeks, as a fan you are provided 11 highly pressurized, astutely played, reputation defining playoff games. A token from the football gods for your dutiful commitment to America’s game. However, if you are fortunate enough to have your team still playing, nothing is more important. MLB playoff series are twisting sagas, the NBA playoffs are not exciting until deciding games, but each 60 minute parcel of NFL drama is unmatched. Although the Packers came up short in overtime and Ben’s world has been turned upside down (NFL-wise), his honest hope and raw anxiety still are representations of what January is all about.

8.Tiggy Woo: Movement 2: Adagio
Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Although written 4 ½ months before his historic U.S. Open run, Dirty nails all the reasons why Tiger Woods is entering a truly remarkable period of his career. Some have said that he did “irrevocable damage” to his knee with that gutsy performance at Torrey Pines, however that simply remains to be seen. Although the U.S. triumphed in the Ryder Cup this September without his services causing a slew of idiotic headlines, his legend continues to loom large. His absence from the spotlight is still front page news and our only recourse as golf fans starved for greatness is to crack a beer and let’er rip. In the end, another great post by Mr. Bauer.

7.Dissecting the Evil Empire
Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Due to the misadventures of Charlie Weis and Hank Steinbrenner the Evil Empire has temporarily relocated to Boston. Yep, I’m pretty sure on that one.

6.Every time I meet a new person, I figure out how I'm gonna fight 'em - you have a gimpy left knee, right?
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
and
Retrospecticus
Monday, June 2, 2008

I haven't lived in Chicago or frequented the Ginger's Ale House with Kurt Dirty in almost a year. My knowledge and participation in the Reds have suffered drastically, but I still manage to watch every odd Saturday morning on FSC or midweek on ESPN for Champions League action. Here are two bookends, a midseason report and a post season summary of the Liverpool F.C. season by Dirty McLiverbird. I can garuntee that there are fewer knowledgable writers on the subject of their side than Mr. Bauer, a treat even for the non-footy fans.

5.Your 2008 Bracket and the 2007 NCAA Tournament
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
and
Not so Crazy (Elite) Eight
Monday, March 17, 2008

I love when Ben goes Moneyball on us. Enjoy these illuminating posts written on the eve and at the midpoint of March Madness. They will tickle your mind grapes.

4.Cubs v. Brewers - A Running Diary
Wednesday, April 30, 2008

The Running Diary is probably my favorite Bill Simmons style of writing. The form is short, largely observational and stylistically open-ended. I find that exploring tangents are the most rewarding aspects of pieces like these. If the Bears somehow sneak by the Vikings and take the NFC North, you can bet that I will commandeer the bourbon and fire up the laptop for another edition. Like splitting aces.

3.A Ridiculous Assumption
Thursday, July 10, 2008

Is it REALLY that ridiculous?

2.The Equivalents
Saturday, February 23, 2008

This is probably my best idea all year, although that’s like picking my favorite Kyle Orton scramble this year. I believe this post will hold up, but my favorite remains the Ice Cube/George Forman comparison.

1.Everything I know about football is wrong
Sunday, February 3, 2008

When you don’t have a horse in the running, sometimes those are the most memorable races. Most recently, the 2004 Red Sox, the 2006 Cleveland Cavaliers over the Detroit Pistons and now, the 2008 New York Giants. I remember driving home the morning after, stunned. The hour-long trip from Richmond to Charlottesville after 3 hours of sleep on my buddy David’s couch, glued to Sportstalk radio, unable to process what it all meant. I got home, fired up the computer and read Ben’s post. An astonishing mile marker in the NFL landscape...
Beautifully.
Fucking.
Illustrated.

When Baseball Predictions Go Horribly, Horribly Wrong

NL EAST
Benny: NY Mets
Bowler: NY Mets
Dirty: Phillies

I mean honestly, who could have predicted another Mets collapse? I’ll admit, the Marlins looked like a darkhorse for a while and Atlanta was hovering around .500 at the All-Star break, but it was always going to be a Phillies/Mets slugfest. There were two things that Benny and I didn’t account for: The Brad Lidge resurgence and the Luis Ayala/Aaron Heilman/Pedro Feliciano backup plan for Billy Wagner. Dirty, just a fantastic job backing into that one.

NL CENTRAL
Benny: Brewers
Bowler: Cubbies
Dirty: Cubbies

I say this is essentially a draw since these shameless homer picks all made the playoffs (for what amounted to a cigarette, a blindfold and a swift deliberation by the jury). Kudos goes to Ben for peeing his pants in his living room the instant the Brewers clinched. Who needs a tub after all? However, since the pain is still fresh, I’m simply moving on.

NL WEST
Benny: Padres
Bowler: Diamondbacks
Dirty: Padres

I’m going to give myself the slight tip of the cap on this one since my pick finished two games back of the Dodgers while the Padres finished with the 3rd worst record in the Majors. I understand their pitching looked promising with Peavy and Young, but when you only have three players with over 100 hits it’s a little difficult to contend even in the worst division in baseball.

NL WILDCARD
Benny: Diamondbacks
Bowler: Dodgers
Dirty: Brewers

Dirty nails the Trifecta with this one. Phils, Cubs, Brewers. Very impressive. I feel by taking the Dodgers that at least earns me a “Place” and Benny rounds out the field with a “Show”. The National League, THEY ARE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE!!! ANY WE LET ‘EM OFF THE HOOK!!!

AL EAST
Benny: NYY
Bowler: NYY
Dirty: BOS

I was under the impression that this was a coin flip scenario. However, this year we got a wiseguy with one of those novelty coins that lands vertically on its ridges. But hey, Dickie V got some PT early repping his band of Diaper Dandies while 800 commentators used the phrase “Most people don’t know Joe Maddon from John Madden” all the while thinking they were original and hilarious. Goooooooood times.

AL CENTRAL
Benny: Cleveland Indians
Bowler: Detroit Tigers
Dirty: Detroit Tigers

I’m still trying to figure out what happened here. I mean, it was the White Sox and Twins from late April on. On paper the Tigers line-up looked beastly (and when you crunch the numbers, they were) but it was the pitching that lead them astray. I have a feeling this had something to do with such a disappointing season: Kenny Rogers – (173.2 IP, 4.25 K/9, 5.70 ERA) and Nate Robertson – (168.2 IP, 5.76 K/9, 6.35 ERA). When those guys are pitching 24% of your innings for an entire season, 74 wins is actually rather remarkable. Benny gets the nod because the Indians rallied back to a .500 record, but in the end, we’re all losers.

AL WEST
Benny: LAA
Bowler: LAA
Dirty: Seattle Mariners

Don’t worry about it Dirty, people miss layups all the time.

AL WILD CARD
Benny: Detroit Tigers
Bowler: Boston Red Sox
Dirty: LAA

I want to take this opportunity to praise the Tampa Bay Rays some more. I’m physically peaking at the idea of Hank Steinbrenner glowering like Pa-Pa and dutifully running the Yankees into the ground. I’m cautiously optimistic that the BoSox are growing older, losing stars and returning back to earth. While I know it’s only one year, the potential for an earth altering shift in the Yank-Saux universe is exactly what we all need. Mark it, dude.

NL ROY
Benny: Kosuke Fukudome
Bowler: Kosuke Fukudome
Dirty: Kosuke Fukudome
Actual winner: Geovany “mah-fuckin” Soto

I wrote some glowing words about Fukudome early in the 2008 season, but I believe the combination of superior MLB pitching, season length and overall fatigue conspired against the former Chunichi Dragon. His splits read like an M. Night Shyamalan movie - a promising beginning which bleeds into a crappy second act and culminates with a predictably pathetic final ten minutes (1-10, 4K in the NLDS). I have no idea what 2009 has in store for Fukudome-san. Oh, but Geo was a no brainer. He reminds me of Jojo Jacobitz from my little league days. I’m assuming only one or two people get that reference, but trust me, it’s a good thing.

NL MVP
Benny: Ryan Braun
Bowler: David Wright
Dirty: Alfonso Soriano
Actual winner: Albert Pujols

Don’t get me wrong, I understand that Ryan Howard willed his team into the playoffs in September with the lumber. I understand he made their run possible due in large part to the threat of his game-changing swing. But people, 199 strikeouts for an MVP? Besides, Pujols deserves a second MVP since Barry Bonds probably heisted one during “The Juice Years”. Oh, and there’s this:

RYAN HOWARD (based on 691 plate appearances)
29% strikeout
12% walk
7% homerun
OPS .882

ALBERT PUJOLS (based on 628 plate appearances)
9% strikeout
17% walk
6% homerun
OPS 1.114

NL CY YOUNG
Benny: Johan Santana
Bowler: Johan Santana
Dirty: Ben Sheets
Actual winner: Tim Lincecum

Hey Dirty, did you REALLY think Ben Sheets was making the leap? Kerry Wood and Ben Sheets get together in the off season, shoot regional Icy Hot commercials and compare 11-12 records.

NL COMEBACK PLAYER OF THE YEAR
Benny: Eric Gagne
Bowler: Chris Carpenter
Dirty: Andruw Jones
Actual winner: Brad Lidge

The pitcher pauses, kicks and delivers. SA-WING and A MISS. It looked like the batter was looking for a first pitch fastball but got nothing but the circle change. (Gagne)

The batter digs in, awaiting the second pitch. The pitcher deals a 12-6 curveball right down the pipe, CALLED STRIKE TWO. The bat never left his shoulder! He played the guessing game and got burnt. (Jones)

The batter has dug himself an 0-2 count. The pitcher nods, collects himself and – WHAT?!? The batter is now sitting crosslegged in the batters box! It’s appears as if he’s dousing himself in some sort of clear liquid from a squeeze bottle and is now fishing some tiny metallic instrument out of his back pocket! HE’S JUST- YES! HE’S NOW BURST INTO FLAMES!!! OH THE HUMANITY! (Carpenter)

AL ROY
Benny: Kurt Suzuki
Bowler: Evan Longoria
Dirty: Ian Kennedy
Actual winner: Evan Longoria

“It’s not so much me as it’s Longoria, HE’s good”

AL MVP
Benny: Alex Rodriguez
Bowler: Vladimir Guerrero
Dirty: Magglio Ordonez
Actual winner: Dustin Pedroia

I don’t have really anything to say about Pedroia. I’m kinda running out of steam here. It’s late and the Bulls are down 34-13 to the Blazers and we look like a lottery team. Greg Oden is making our “big men” look like J.V. underachievers. Steve Blake must have gotten pissed at me posting his missed bunny and now he’s lighting us up. Time for some sleep, thanks for coming out…

AL CY YOUNG
Benny: Justin Verlander
Bowler: John Lackey
Dirty: Justin Verlander

AL COMEBACK PLAYER OF THE YEAR
Benny: Jose Giullen
Bowler: Francisco Liriano
Dirty: Cliff Floyd

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOUR AL CY YOUNG AND COMEBACK PLAYER OF THE YEAR…. MR. CLIFF LEE

lest you thought i didn't have any emotions regarding brett favre...

this is an out-of-context e-mail response to my dad and his wisconsinite friend about the recent developments. it's the best i can do presently. this whole deal makes me sick to my stomach. *turns to hit 'play' button to resume listening to "Superstar" as sung by Bette Midler while forlornly sitting in a bubble bath with a bloody mary and surrounded by lit candles scented like apples and clean linen*

"where there's smoke, there's fire but we can never know what transpired behind closed doors. suffice it to say that both brett and management have erred in judgment privately and publicly and as a result the unthinkable has happened and has been allowed to continue to happen.

it's no time for thompson to engage in a battle of ego here. what is best for the packers is brett as quarterback. there are 25 other teams in the league who would kill for a quarterback of his caliber. it defies all logic to choose aaron, who has thrown 59 passes IN HIS CAREER, over brett, who at 38 played one of his best ever seasons. aaron's had 4 months of offseason preparation and game planning. who the fuck cares? with brett favre the packers are the favorite to represent the nfc in the super bowl. without him, they're a question mark. brett has pride, sure. he's been unclear and secretive and combative and all-in-all noncommital as to what he's wanted to do until now. i'll forgive him all that. not because of what he's done on the field, but because he's human. he's a football player and he's the best at what he does. he's not paid to be a fucking diplomat.

thompson, as a general manager, cannot and should not win the battle of pride here. that's not his job. his job is to help the packers win the super bowl. the right thing for the packers is to bring brett back with open arms, forgive him his recent uncertainty and statements, and move on. if aaron is upset, trade HIM. they'll get better value dollar for dollar than they would for brett. and if brett rides off into the sunset (again) next year, there's always brian brohm."

The case for the Brewers...

Brewers post-All Star break record: 1-0

Cubs post-All Star break record: 0-1

Convincing argument, right?

The Bowler and I can agree that we haven’t mutually anticipated the dog days this much since we’ve known each other. Though the 2007 campaign remained in doubt until the last series of the season, as early as Independence Day, it was all too apparent that we were supporting teams headed in opposite directions.

This year has far different feel to it. After an uncharacteristically slow start, the Crew are 12 games over .500 since losing 6 straight games to begin May. Over the same period of time, the Cubbies have played even better at 14 games over .500. With 76 games remaining, both teams have demonstrated consistency and begin the home stretch playing well enough to be considered pennant frontrunners in the National League. The recent trades for Sabathia and Harden only served to raise the intensity and drama of the chase. The watches and car keys are in the pot and both teams believe they possess the better hand.


Of course, the Cubs currently have the advantage, not only in their 4-game lead in the standings, but in the way that they have hit and pitched thus far. The Brewers’ sometimes baffling inability to get on base and their misadventures in the field and bullpen continue to try my patience and are a little too reminiscent of last year’s historical collapse. Given the present state of affairs, it is unlikely that the Brewers will be able to catch the Cubs before the end of the regular season.

As of today, playoff projections indicate that the probability is that the Cubs will win the NL Central outright and that the Brewers have the best likelihood of any team in the National League to secure the Wild Card. Much will be settled in the 10 remaining games that the Brewers and Cubs are scheduled to play, 7 of which will take place in Milwaukee (I will try to ignore the fact that traditionally Cubs fans have made Miller seem like Wrigley), where Milwaukee has the 2nd-best homefield advantage (behind the Cubs). The Brewers and the Cubs will also play in the last series of the regular season which, if the issue is fought out on this line all summer, will result in a release of the contents of my bladder whether or not the Brewers secure a playoff berth.

Presuming the numbers are correct (which presumption may turn out to be foolhardy given the snowballing avalanche that is the New York fucking Mets) and also the import of the remaining games between the two teams, the pennant will be decided on the field between the two teams in the NLCS. This offers some encouragement to the Brewers, who in 6 games at Wrigley Field this year (their only so far against the Cubs), have taken 4. However, those will be ancient history by the time October rolls around. These are the hosses and guns that will decide the fray:

Starting rotations:

Sheets/Sabathia/Parra/Suppan/McClung-Bush

Zambrano/Harden/Lilly/Dempster/Marquis


On the track:

Braun/Cameron/Hart

Soriano/Edmonds/Fukudome


Around the horn:

Hall-Branyan/Hardy/Weeks/Fielder/Kendall

Ramirez/Theriot/DeRosa/Lee/Soto


Out of the ‘pen:

Torres/Riske/Shouse

Wood/Marmol/Howry


On the pine:

Kapler/Counsell/Dillon

Cedeno/Fontenot/Johnson


Looking at that, we’re in for a potentially epic duel down the stretch.

The Brewers have the advantage because they are more of a known quantity and, in my view, will better sustain their performance.

For the Cubs, uncertainty abounds. Can Alfonso Soriano return from the DL at the end of July and resume playing at a high level? Can Ryan Dempster, Jim Edmonds, Ryan Theriot, and Mark DeRosa continue to outperform projections? Can Jim Edmonds and Rich Harden stay healthy? The second half for the Cubs points to at least a slight regression to the mean.

Ryan Dempster is 31 and has already pitched 30 innings more than he did in his best season in 2005. DeRosa, 33, is having his best season as a professional baseball player. Jim Edmonds has been steadily declining since the 2006 season and he hasn’t had more than 400 at-bats since 2005. In Ryan Theriot’s only full season, he struck out more than he walked and his numbers of .266/.326/.346 make my penis erect. Tony Womack is his most similar comparison by age. And everyone knows Rich Harden hasn’t pitched more than 100 innings since 2005. He’s at 82 innings right now.

For the Brewers, Prince Fielder, J.J. Hardy, Ryan Braun, Mike Cameron, Corey Hart, and Russell Branyan all OPS+ at 115 or higher. They are far younger than the Cubs, particularly at amongst the starters, and less likely to fade down the stretch. And, if they survive until mid-October, the Cubs would do well to remember that Yovani Gallardo will be ready to return. Sheets, Sabathia, Gallardo, and Parra would arguably be the scariest 4-man rotation in the Major Leagues.

The final nail in the Cubbies’ collective coffin: Come October, the Cubs will have gone 100 years without winning a World Series. If they win the pennant, that would potentially ruin a perfectly good cocaine party hosted by Gary Sinise and Journey. We’ll be at the Drake Hotel on East Walton Place. I’ll be the one wearing the urine-stained boxers and the Paul Molitor jersey.

Brewers as NL Champs? That's just like, your opinion, man.

The Cubs (not the Brewers) will represent the National League in the Fall Classic this year. Mark it, Dude.


People assume that Cubs fans are highly superstitious and thus highly guarded in their proclamations of superiority (albeit seasonal). Many of the Wrigley faithful groaned as Bernie Mac sung “root, root, root for the cha-amps” during the 7th inning stretch at Game 6 of the 2003 NLCS with the Cubs holding a 3-1 lead. Obviously that was a social gaffe because putting the cart in front of the horse, especially in such a highly charged situation lacks tact and understanding. However, had the whole Bartman/Prior/Gonzalez meltdown never occurred, no one would even remember that momentary slip of common sense. The way things actually happened, the exquisitely painful series of events that unfolded triggers many drunken blue-capped ladies and gentleman to work themselves into a foamy lather regarding one diabolical curse. The motives of the hands are unknown to us, but the devices He uses are iconic: a billy goat in ’45, a black cat in ’69, Leon Durham’s wickets in ’84, a grabby baseball nerd in ’03. Last month Dirty and I were sitting against the left field wall just a caps toss away from the Bartman seat (which has a sticker on it so people know which one to pose in for pregame pictures) and as the innings went on and the beers piled up, I had to consciously remind myself to dive out of the way if a pop fly was hit in my direction with the Cubs in the field. While I understand this isn’t an advanced concept, my head was a little fuzzy with Old Style and split second decisions in that state usually amount to some awkward lunge at the ball on my part. But now, I must be forever aware of Moises Alou patrolling the outfield lest I somehow in manage to interfere and end up on Sportscenter as “a typical idiot Cubs fan”. Those are the everyday realities of the Northsider and probably why most outsiders looking in share a mixture of sympathy and disgust. Sympathy at the perennial losing, disgust at how trivial this “badge of worry” attitude all seems. Well, for this post, I’m shelving all that cautious crap and making a brief argument for the leaders in the clubhouse at the turn, the 2008 Chicago Cubs for the NL pennant.



Possible rotation for an NLDS - Game 1: Zambrano, Game 2: Harden, Game 3: Dempster, Game 4: Zambrano, Game 5: Harden. Just a week ago I wrote how the C.C. Sabathia trade was an intimidating pick-up, luckily that feeling only lasted 24 hours. If we stay healthy at the top of our rotation, nobody can beat our starters – Not the Brewers. Not the Diamondbacks. Nobody.



Two ROY candidates and All-Stars starters in Kosuke Fukudome and Geovany Soto. Not since Jerome Walton and Dwight Smith going one-and-two in the Rookie of the Year balloting in 1989 has Chicago been more juiced up about a pair of newcomers.

The Cubs have a MLB leading run differential of +108 while the Cardinals (+18) and Brewers (+12) are distant also-rans in the category. Since the Cubs are only 5.5 and 6 games up respectively, one could intuit that multiple blowouts and difficulty with one run games are the cause. However, the Cubs are a touch above .500 (15-14) in one run contests. The Cardinals (19-16) and Brewers (19-10) have faired a little better, but I feel that these statistics rest in favor of the Cubbies. Whenever you are x10 better than other teams at something as elemental to the outcome of games as runs scored/runs conceded then the dam will eventually break.

Reason #341 why the Brewers won’t win the NL pennant in 2008: Eric “The 10 million dollar man” Gagne in his fourth appearance since coming off the DL on July 12th:

1.0 IP, 27 pitches, 4 hits, 4 runs, 4 ER, 2 HR, 1 K



Not since Rick Mirer has there been the potential for such a handsomely paid benchwarmer.

The Brewers have crumbled before and they have lasted thus far grit, moxie, homeruns and Ben Sheets. I know, I know, Manny Parra is a nice little story. Ditto Corey Hart in all his beer soaked glory. But in the end, it’s Fielder and Braun and little else. Wrigley Field boasts six batters with over 300 ABs and at least .370 OBP (Theriot .396, Ramirez .387, Fukudome .384, DeRosa .378, Lee .371, Soto .370). The Brewers? Zero. The closest is J.J. Hardy with 303 ABs and a .356 OBP.

The Brewers are a nice story, but the team to beat is that way for a reason. And this year, in light of this new shit, well, I rest my case.

"Certain things have come to light. And, you know, has it ever occurred to you, that, instead of, uh, you know, running around, uh, uh, blaming me, you know, given the nature of all this new shit, you know, I-I-I-I... this could be a-a-a-a lot more, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, complex, I mean, it's not just, it might not be just such a simple... uh, you know?"

A Ridiculous Assumption

An Essay on why I truly believe Lou Piniella is being darted with sedatives by the Cubbie Brass

The Bowler and I have had innumerable discussions regarding sporting topics ranging from hilarious names (see God Shammgod, Siphiwe Tshabalala, et al.) to song parodies, and even as far as actual nitty-gritty statistical analyses (the most absurd topic of the three mentioned, I know). However, the one discussion that remains a running joke, whilst also maintaining a certain credibility, is how we both believe the Cubs' front office utilizes blow guns to sedate the often feisty manager of our beloved Cubs.

While Sweet Lou ages, as with most people, he appears to mellow significantly. But, during his previous stint as Tampa's coach, the difference between his temperament in the same role at the other ballclubs was negligible at best. After his hiatus from the bench, Piniella came to the North Side in a flurry of press and excitement. Already he showed a calm outward demeanor, only rarely trumped by his famous temper during his first season in charge of the Cub. Is the time and place in which this phase of his life finds him responsible for this diametric shift in personality/temperament?

While this could certainly play a part, I believe studying the physical, emotional, and perceptual faculties of the man might lead to a more surprising conclusion: Lou Piniella is being darted with a fairly significant sedative by the Cubbie Brass. It seems to be a systemic push, with no single member of the front office responsible for tranq-ing the man on a regular basis. It's more of a, "Lou's looking a little wired" (Phoot, goes the blow gun, delivering a hefty dose of animal tranquilizer through an almost imperceivable missile), "That should keep him on an even keel."

The effects are obvious, and those of us who have listened to the full gamut of pre, post, and in-game conversations with Sweet Lou can notice when and in what quantity the old dawg receives a dose of pacification juice. Of course the glassy eyes and stammering speech in pregame press meetings allude to some level of sedation. However, there are other indicators. Occasionally he can be found sating his sweet tooth with some candies (licorice, tootsie rolls, etc) during these interviews. Its not just the craving itself, but the almost childish glee apparent on his mug whilst masticating the processed sugar treats. This fact, when coupled with the very elongated "um's" and "uh's" that he peppers throughout his speeches, begin to elucidate the origins of this essay and our reason for believing such actions are in fact taking place.

Of course, the manner of speech and heightened sweet tooth could also be related to Sweet Lou's getting on in age (and may allude to any number of factors from the good ol' days of baseball when everyone was doping in one way or another, be it by amphetamines, cocaine, or various other devious means). However, the lethargic movements of both mind and body in pregame press conferences make little sense. He couldn't be tired already, he just got there. So why, then, are his reflex actions (like blinking, swallowing) affected? His blinking slows to a point of almost pausing, his mouth sometimes works more like an old school nutcracker (as if controlled by a primitive lever system), he sways quite noticeably, and will occasionally zone out, mid sentence. All of these factors more than account for my belief in an external agent pacifying Lou Piniella.

The kicker is that on more than one occasion, while the Bowler and I sat watching a game, a very fiery manager in the beginning of the contest would give way to a very relaxed and ponderous coach as the game wore on, regardless of circumstances (be it in a close game, a blow-out, being blown out). Could they possibly be darting him in the midst of a game? Absolutely yes, especially as the big wigs of the Cubs organization would have multiple angles and vistas from which they could unleash a barrage of dipped darts. The true indicator would be if they over-medicated him, causing a sheer collapse in consciousness. My hope is that there is enough communication at the top to realize the dire consequences of overestimating the rate at which Lou's older body metabolizes the sedatives. We all appreciate what he's done in last season and a half, and would hate to lose him for any period of time for health reasons, especially in relation to being controlled like a semi-trained grizzly.

I can't be assured of anything, but what I do know is that we as Cubs fans have been treated to a couple of very amusing blow-ups, but nothing approaching the kind of demeanor that landed Lou Piniella the facetious nickname "Sweet Lou". My hope is that the Cubbie brass will not over-control the man, but rather continue with their campaign of passive aid. If it ain't broke.


NOTE: This article is in no way a serious examination of the practices mentioned. While we all acknowledge that a regimen of sedatives delivered via blow darts is highly improbable, it remains possible.

Mr. Sabathia pitches for Brats and Beer

It’s been six weeks leading up to this column. It’s been quite a nice respite, because the kid has been working hard and enjoying the summer. I flew back for the Cubs sweep over the White Sox at Wrigley. Dirty and I witnessed a nine-run inning almost exactly a year to the day after we witnessed “The Aramis Game” so that's some good mojo there. I moved into my new place and got a new set of golf clubs. I’m going to be a groomsman in my boy Kanedawg’s wedding next month. The Bulls picked Derrick Rose and I couldn’t be happier about that fact. I’ve been gone from these pages for a while because my life has been a good, healthy, honest busy. But tonight, I really felt compelled to write about something... so now, I fear the worst…

It’s basically official that C.C. Sabathia will be a Brewer for the rest of the season. The Brewers, in the past 6 weeks have gone from 4 games under .500 (and 6 games back) to 10 games over .500 (and 3.5 games back). Over that same span, the Cubs have gone 24-15 and LOST 2.5 GAMES in the NL Central.

Alright, I know the Cardinals are still in the mix, but excuse me for not taking them seriously. The odds of Kyle Lohse, Braden Looper, Todd Wellemeyer, Adam Wainwright and Joel Pineiro keeping this type of production going during a stressful September is remarkably low. Here are their K/9 rates so far and tell me I’m wrong: 4.49, 4.15, 6.68, 6.09, 4.76. Those numbers are telling me that a ton of things are going right for them in the field. We’ll see though.

The Brewers, however, terrify me. They have basically exclaimed that they are making a charge for this year. Matt LaPorta was their right fielder for the future and they shipped him off for 12 weeks from the 2007 AL Cy Young winner. The Sheets/Sabathia combination is frightening down the stretch, but even more frightening for Benny should be the prospect of both of them being free agents at the end of the year. Outside of the Rays, nobody has a deeper farm system and I could see them going for broke and picking up another solid middle reliever before the deadline. Basically, with this move, they are telling the rest of the NL Central, "It's on. Act accordingly."

The Cubbies have gone 6-8 in Big Z’s absence but now he’s back and winning baseball games. Soriano should be getting back shortly after the All-Star break and the wheels continue to turn. I’m anticipating another furious finish similar to last year where the victor won’t be decided until the final weekend of the season. However, unlike last year, I feel like second place in the NL Central will be good enough to play into October. I'm trying to wrap my head around this pennant chase during the Olympics and NFL tune-ups and quite honestly, I'm already losing sleep.

Mahalo. It's good to be back.

Gracias, Mate

Like most Liverpool Supporters, my allegiances lay firmly with the Red Fury of Spain in Euro 2008. With England missing out on the Championships and four Reds making Luis Aragones's squad, the red half of Merseyside was inclined to stand with the perpetual underachievers. Spain had consistently disappointed on the international stage, with no World Cup victories to their name and the last European title coming in 1964. During the qualifying stages and into the knockout rounds, Spain proved that the preeminent status they acquired from pundits and bookies alike for the tournament was well deserved.

Domestically, Spain produce fantastic talent and boast one of the best Football Leagues in the world (La Liga's Primera Division is ranked second by UEFA behind the EPL and in front of Italy's Serie A). With powerhouses like Real Madrid, Barcelona, Deportivo La Coruna, Sevilla, Villareal, and Valencia, La Liga continues to show tremendously in International competitions such as the European Cup (UEFA Champions League) and the UEFA Cup (a competition for clubs unable to qualify for the Champions League). However, domestic supremacy rarely materialized on the international stage for La Seleccion.

The Spanish national side famously showcases players who are both tactically aware and technically astute. But even with tremendously talented players, the national team rarely proved any semblance of dominance over supposedly inferior competition. In the last 44 years (since their only Euro title), they have reached the quarterfinals five times combined in World Cup and European Championships tournaments. Only three times have they appeared in a final, all in the European Championships, with the two victories in '64 and '08.

While they now join elite company as one of only three sides with more than one European Championships title, there still remains some sense of doubt as to what the squad can achieve. After this victory, earned after finally playing to their potential, La Furia Roja will enter the next set of World Cup qualifiers as heavy favorites. This is new territory for a side much maligned as chokers and collapse artists. Even if they do not pull the international double at the next World Cup, this side has put aside the collective knowledge of a dismal past to create their own history. This seemingly impossible task is one the Chicago Cubs anticipate replicating in their own corner of the sporting community.

Hope springs eternal.

Retrospecticus

This season ended trophy-less for Liverpool Football Club. The squad could not overcome some very average performances in the middle part of the season to keep their name in the tight race for the English Premier League title. The Champions League again provided unbelievable drama, as the Reds knocked out Arsenal in an all time classic, but were then dumped from the competition by Chelsea, in yet another semi-final corker between the Reds and Blues. Many have argued that the season was a disappointment because of the lack of silverware. It’s very difficult not to agree with this point. At a club where so much history revolves around triumph after triumph, the heightened expectations felt at the beginning of the campaign resulted in a feeling of failure because of the side's inability to add yet another title to the trophy case. But I am very much an apologist, so here is my list of tremendous achievements by everyone’s favorite Merseyside outfit.

Fernando Torres – The Kid proved himself more than deserving of the kind of dough LFC paid for his transfer from Atletico Madrid, his childhood team. What’s more, he proved he is the kind of player Kopites idolize as legends of this storied club. Torres broke record after record, both club records and national records. His name is now alongside the likes of Robbie Fowler, Ian Rush, Ian St. John, & Roger Hunt in the books of Liverpool F.C. for innumerable achievements such as consecutive home hat tricks, most EPL goals by a Liverpool striker, most consecutive home games with a goal, and one of the most impressive strike records in the books (essentially goals/game, he scored 33 goals in 47 games for the club in all competitions). In breaking so many of the club’s records, he also broke a very distinguished mark for the most goals by a foreign player in his debut season in the EPL. All of these impressive resume builders he achieved WITHOUT TAKING A SINGLE PENALTY. Ruud van Nistelrooy held the old record of 23 goals in his first season in English football. Liverpool’s number nine scored 24, netting the final goal during the last match of the season. He’s showed incredible pace with tremendous ball control and an innate ability to bulge the onion bag when given even the slightest opportunity. Add to this his work rate for the team and his desire to play through some rather harsh treatment at the hands of opposition defenses (and the referees for that matter) and the adoration of all Reds supporters is completely justified. Here’s to an even better campaign next season, Nando. My favorite quote from the redandwhitekop.com contributors has to be, “Fernando Torres, turning kopites gay since 2007”.

Martin Skrtel – The main move made during the January transfer window for Rafa Benitez was the record signing (for a defender) of Slovak international Martin Skrtel. Skrtel confirmed the idea that understanding the language and a bedding in period were not prerequisites for success on the pitch. A very astute reader of the game and with speed to boot, Skrtel earned MOTM honors for multiple displays in his new Reds kit. He proved that he could easily match up against some of the best strikers in the world in Europe’s premier club competition (the UEFA Champions League). I am giddy over the idea of having a fit Daniel Agger and the Slovak towering in the Reds’ central defense next season, though it will take some time to get the two youngins well enough acquainted to each other to forego a vet in the back, like Big Sami or Carra. Still, with four centre halfs of this quality, I foresee fewer draws and more victories in tight games next season.

Ryan Babel – Our favorite flying Dutchman really impressed in his first season abroad. The former Ajax prodigy reached double digits in goals and showed a range of talent and strength that has everyone taking notice. Towards the end of the campaign, every team made damn sure there were at least two defenders to cover Babel from cutting inside or all the way to the endline. Unfortunately, a recent injury on international duty (torn ankle ligaments) means that his training regimen for the summer will have to be shelved until he regains full mobility without discomfort. A tremendous debut season in an unfamiliar position (left wing instead of close to the front) just begins to elucidate the potential the young Dutchman displays every time he sets foot on the pitch. Get well soon Ryan, we want you back ASAP so we can begin working on a song that could parallel the kind of excellence we’ve witnessed.

Sami Hyypia – In a season where the young Danish star, Daniel Agger, played only a handful of times due to recurring metatarsal injuries, the unbelievable performances of the aging Finn brought back memories of his time as the captain of LFC. Despite being “over-the-hill” in footy years, the big man made sure to remind Rafa that he’s still got some quality miles left in those older legs. Though a step or two slower than he once was, the veteran’s ability to read the game meant that he rarely let opposition strikers get a clear look at goal. This season further solidified his status as a legend alongside the likes of Alan Hansen, Ron Yeats and Mark Lawrenson. A status which is further explained by his offensive contributions in big matches, such as his quarterfinal header against Arsenal, which drew the Reds level at the time and started them on their way to a memorable victory.

Pepe Reina – Securing his third consecutive Golden Gloves award (for the most clean sheets in the Premier League) should have helped to get him within a shout of the starter’s job on Spain’s international squad. Even though Luis Aragones continues to pick him as the second choice for the international side, there’s no argument about the quality of Liverpool’s number one keeper. Pepe rightfully shares the Golden Gloves award with his squad, as he says the strength of the defense in front of him dictates the quantity and quality of the saves he needs to make. He became the quickest ‘keeper in Liverpool history to record 50 clean sheets (in only 92 games), surpassing Kop idol Ray Clemence’s old tally of 95 games to reach the milestone. Long may Pepe’s dominance between the posts (and under the bar) continue.

Javier Mascherano – Monster Masch has established himself as a core member of the spine of Liverpool Football Club. During the course of this campaign he displayed dogged determination, superb tackling, and a developing passing game just in front of the back four. He has quickly risen to a place alongside some of the best holding mids in the game, like Makelele or Gattuso. On top of all of this, Mascherano signed an extension, keeping him at LFC for, at the very least, four more years.

119 goals – For all those haters out there who claim that Liverpool FC are a boring team to watch, suck on that number. The Reds scored a phenomenal total of 119 goals in all competitions, the best total in England for the season. While I will most certainly concede that LFC are defensive minded, over-generalizing any side’s tendency makes you look like an ignorant fool. Yes, Liverpool do defend resolutely, because if you don’t concede, you can’t lose. However, when six players reach double digits in the goal column, there has to be a great deal of beautiful football being played all around the pitch. And for those who have not seen it, trust me, there is most certainly beautiful footy being played by the red half of Merseyside.

This concludes my first 6 months as footy correspondent. Thanks to everyone for their support and comments. I love this venture. Coming soon - the Teasipper goes Colonial: Totally uninformed and horribly biased views regarding America’s sporting landscape. I can sense you all waiting with bated breath.

Fuck Bret Michaels: This Rose has no thorns

My beloved Chicago Bulls were growing stranger and stranger to me by the minute this past year. We fired Scott Skiles before New Years Eve. We traded for Drew Gooden and Larry Hughes at the deadline. We made a late “surge” but failed to qualify for the play-in game (which the Hawks were clearly more prepared for). We lost the Mike D’Antoni bidding war to an organization that is currently undertaking a historically miserable run for a franchise in ANY sport. In fact, an hour before the lottery my fraternity brother and rare remaining true Bulls fan “Relatively Big Mike” Wagoner sent me a rundown of our odds with his take:

No. 1: 1.70%
No. 2: 2.00%
No. 3: 2.40%
No. 9: 81.34%
No. 10: 12.18%
No. 11: 0.38%
No. 12: 0.0024%

Back in the lottery. Sick.

I wrote back verbatim:

Dude, after we missed out on D'Antoni, I'm conviced we're gunna end up with Kosta Koufos and head back down the totem pole. I'm going to frame my "twirling towels" from Games 3 and 4 of last year's Conference Semis because it might be the last time we play in games that meaningful for a long time.

Sad clown tears,

AK

Needless to say, we’ve spent the better part of the evening trading Beasley vs. Rose emails. I haven’t been this excited since the moments leading up to Game 1 of the NLDS last fall.

So which way am I leaning? Well, here is the God’s honest truth. When they opened the envelope, my first reaction was, “Holy Shit, we CAN GET DERRICK ROSE”. My second thought was to call Wags and Dirty and scream nonsensical phrases in or around my phone. Once the initial madness had subsided, I thought, “I suppose we COULD get Michael Beasley since our frontcourt has been our Achilles heel for the past three seasons”. This is when I realized, this will be the second longest month of my basketball life (the first being the month directly following MJ's first retirement).

Benny can attest, I’ve got an unhealthy love for athletic point guards, scrambling quarterbacks in Madden and scrappy middle infielders with high OBPs. These aren't biases, but rather personal preferences.

Another factor: I’ve been watching and rooting for Derrick Rose since his days at Simeon HS in the Chicago Public League. They played his games on local (as well as national) TV and it looked like he was playing on fast forward while everyone else was set on regular speed. The kid was born to play basketball. He’s from the streets of Chicago. He’s tough. He’s a winner. I could go on-and-on referencing vague minutia that you already know, but lemme cite two games in particular that I watched last year which made me love Derrick Rose:

Memphis-Tennessee (Feb. 23rd)

9-16 from the field, 23 points, 5 rebounds, 5 assists, 4 steals.

I know Memphis lost this game (one of two all season) but Rose showed me a lot in his second half performance. Here’s the thing that stuck with me, he was the only Memphis Tiger out there at crunch time willing to take and make big shots. Check out this GameLog and scroll down to 9:05 left in the second half when Rose misses two free throws. He takes over that game and is the ONLY reason that game was even close down the stretch.

Memphis-Texas (March 30th)

7-10 from the field, 21 points, 6 rebounds, 9 assists, 2 turnovers.

It wasn’t so much the offensive production or passing that I appreciated about this performance, it was how he SHUT DOWN the consensus second best point guard in the country in D.J. Augustin. This was an Elite Eight game and Rose held him to 4-18 shooting, 3 assists and 4 turnovers. Augustin only had more turnovers than assists in 4 of their 38 previous games last season. It was truly a complete game for Derrick (we're on a first name basis in my mind).

Now, I understand that Michael Beasley is a tremendous player and will be a great professional. But the City of Chicago has been waiting for a moment like this, to take the unconventional wisdom (always take the big guy) and cram it. Gun to your head, a potential Deron Williams/Chris Paul or a likely Elton Brand. If you worry about things like “we already have a point guard” then you obviously are missing something vital. This is a lottery team for a reason. Shuffle the deck, move Duhon, move Hughes, acquire role players, court the high profile coaches still out there, make some bold choices. Derrick Rose surrounded by savvy front office moves is a recipe that could very well lead to an Eastern Conference Finals appearance before his rookie contract is up. I’m a homer, I’m a Chicagoan, I love the feel of this whole thing. It’s fate. I’m going to spend the next month flooding John Paxson’s inbox with pro-Rose statistics and impassioned emails from the heart. Michael Beasley isn’t Sam Bowie, but not drafting Derrick Rose for the character of the city looking forward to embracing him, could spell the same foul fate.

The Beautiful Art of the Sports Video Montage

If I lived in a world in which the pursuit of capital and the inch-by-inch, day-by-day grunt and crawl through the muck and filth of a white collar office job was not a requisite for maintaining the existence that has evolved over the course my life, there are three pursuits that would be my occupation. Yes, this is my Peter Gibbons moment. As Donny has already attested, skippering an inlet charter fishing boat and designing, constructing, and operating a 21-and-over natural grass miniature golf course have been dreams of ours for years, our light at the end of the tunnel and our Oz.

The last pursuit would be splicing and recording video montages of sports highlights set to music.

Now tell me, is there anything that can heighten our love of sports as much as a well-crafted video of meaningful athletic moments accompanied by just-the-right song? It can raise the hair on our bodies, transport our stomachs to our throats, moisten the corners of our eyes, and get our dander up on gameday.

What follows is a collection of videos of the most well-done video montages that I was able to find on YouTube for each of the major sports. Enjoy.

Soccer

This is a compilation of the top-50 goals ever scored. Set to a techno beat with a solo string instrument (a vibe that we've become used to on EA Sports' FIFA games), this is a rapid-fire compilation of some of the slickest touches that have filled the ol' onion bag. I'm especially interested to hear from Dirty his take on the order and any notable omissions. Here is a different top-50 video set to a faster beat, but slower in presentation.

Hockey

This is a surprisingly enjoyable compilation of the top-20 goals ever scored in hockey, which for several reasons doesn't get much attention anymore. Set to Fatboy Slim's "Right Here, Right Now" the fluiditiy of the clips nicely complement Mr. Cook's instrumentals.

Baseball

It appears that the fascists over at Major League Baseball have done a wonderful job of preventing people from uploading historical and contemporary highlights to the Internet because an hour of searches yieled nothing of substance. Thanks, Bud Selig, once again your masterful stewardship of America's pastime is without parallel. To compensate, here are some truly amazing amateur defensive web gems.

Basketball

Because it is professionally done and annually highlights the greatest moment of the greatest American tournament, the "One Shining Moment" video has to be the hands-down best basketball montage. The late, great Luther Vandross' voice has sung over this alternately slo-motion/real-time feature for more than 10 years and it always captures the pageantry, excitement, heartbreak, and triumph of March Madness. I was disconcerted to see a real dearth in quality NBA videos (either the wrong song or poor quality footage), but just over 3 minutes of Air can do anyone some good.

Football

NFL Films deserves much of the credit for originating and honing the video montage into a truly exceptional art. Though John Facenda's spoken, baritone backed powerfullyby horns, trumpets, and drums and poetically by string pieces, is representative of NFL history and lore, I've opted for this house/trance music punctuated by occassional piano solos in a video that highlights some of the greatest hits and runs in NFL history. It makes my loins quiver for training camp. Also, if the Packers would have played this video at halftime of the NFC Championship Game, I can almost guarantee that they wouldn't have lost.

BONUS

When I first saw this video in the first 3 hours of the new millenium, I staggered home to make sure that that my VHS taping of the "Sportscenter of the Century" was still recording. Capturing the most unforgettable visual impressions left by sports in the 1900s, I still make a point of watching it every few months. Professionally done, the song choice of Aerosmith's "Dream On" is absolutely perfect. This is the ideal of the sports video montage.

A Chicago 3-pack: D'Antoni, Benson and Guillen

Noise coming out of Bristol today indicates that the Bulls are just a few shuffles of paper away from locking Mike D’Antoni up as their head coach. I’ve respected the man since his success started with the Suns during the 2004-05 season, but since then it’s grown based on his service to Team USA and his international style of offensive X's and O's. The more I read about Mike D’Antoni, the more I like him.

Did you know that as a player he was the greatest point guard in Italian basketball history? Kobe was living there as a child and recognized D’Antoni as his favorite player (even adopting his #8 when he came to the Lakers). He’s had coaching success in Italy as well as the NBA and it seems like a real solid step in the right direction if his basketball theory lands in the Windy City.

The Bulls will still be paying a buyout of Scott Skiles contract to the tune of $4 million next year, but what this team needs is a confident, tested leader. When you bring in an assistant coach with upside like Tom Thibodeau of the Celtics, you never know if you’ll be getting a Lovie Smith or a Dick Jauron (wha-wha-whaaaa). Bottomline, if you look at the Bulls roster and deselect some of the undesirable team-concept guys (Duhon, Hughes), modify roles of uber-athletic guys who want to run (Thomas, Deng, Sefolosha), transform the slashers into sharpshooters (Gordon, Nocioni) and perhaps rejuvenate a point guard gone sideways (Hinrich) then this might be a palatable team next year. In my opinion, none of that happens without D’Antoni's offensive schemes.



It’s no secret that I’m a Thomas Jones fan. It’s also no secret that I’m not wild about Cedric Benson. These two factors shouldn’t preclude me from having a rational reaction to Benson’s recent run-in with the law, but they almost did. Let me explain.

Cedric Benson has presented himself as a malcontent on Chicago sportstalk radio, he’s been prickly and presumptious about his playing time and done very few things to endear himself to Bears fans once he got the starting nod. This being said, after my initial knee-jerk reaction of disgust and disappointment (in the wake of Clemens hubris that denial shall ultimately exonerate you) has changed in the passing days. The fact that he didn’t get breathalized onboard but deemed drunk, the fact that his parents were onboard, the fact that he is earnestly pleading his case which seems plausible (unlike Clemens) have all added up to something of an interesting situation for me. Now, do I think he was drunk? I have no idea. Do I think Benson was “nothing but cooperative”? Again, it’s hard to say. However, if I’ve learned one thing from watching countless Cops marathons in my youth, it’s that the moment a black guy asks a question or seeks an explanation with any iota of hostility in his voice, officers immediately break out the tasers and billy clubs. This is how it works.

I hope Cedric Benson gets a fair trial and I hope Matt Forte can run the ball. Wow, I just read that last sentence and I can’t believe the Bears were in the Super Bowl a mere 15 months ago.



Ozzie Guillen has been a lifelong member of the White Sox family. He played there, he manages there and he won a World Series there so I can understand his vitriol for the Cubs. I really can, shit, some times I get sick of all the fluff and national attention we get. When ESPN did a Cubs/Mets game two weeks ago, there were about 30 instances where the announcers slurped Wrigley Field or Friendly Confines Faithful. It’s obnoxious, ongoing and I can honestly understand why other fan bases HATE us.

That being said, Ozzie Guillen is a whinny, frustrated, self-promoting jagoff who thinks his shit doesn’t stink because he’s “a baseball man”. He’s so super sensitive about what the Chicago media prints about him, yet he’s always so brash and disrespectful. I recall during their World Series year when a reporter asked him about an upcoming tilt with their cross-town rivals, he’s waved his hand and said dismissively, “Fuck the Cubs. Why should I care about them?”. Ozzie picks fights with local columnist Jay Mariotti which really only sells issues of the Sun Times and lowers him to Jay’s level (which is pretty fucking low if you’ve ever read him). He cites the anniversary of the Lee Elia tirade but as always misses the point. He demands respect, but he doesn't understand that respect is earned and ultimately comes off like on of those drunk people on The Real World. I’m generally of the mind that whatever you give people, they will return. If you treat others with kindness and respect, for the most part, that’s exactly what you’ll get back. Ozzie claims the Chicago media is fickle, unfairly favors the Cubs and doesn’t give the White Sox respect.

Well Ozzie, that’s probably because they write what you give them.

Cubs v. Brewers - A Running Diary

The Cubs and the Brewers are quickly ascending the ranks of my favorite rivalries with regard to my rooting interests. Last year was a tremendous two-team pennant race (I never really considered the Cardinals a threat) that really made me appreciate our neighbors to the north. Here’s how the rivalries stacks up if the criteria is pure enjoyment:

1st Bears/Packers (The gold standard)
2nd Cubs/Cardinals (Great history, great fans)
3rd Liverpool/Everton (The more I learn, the more I respect it)
4th Cubs/Brewers (Scrappy underdogs make good)
5th Cubs/White Sox (A civic obligation)
6th Bulls/Pistons (Lost its luster, but can be rekindled at any moment)

So without further ado, my running diary:

7:59pm There are few things better than Web Gems set to upbeat music with breathless announcers loosing their shit. Baseball Tonight just closed their show with the best leather flashes for the month of April, well done fellas. I love it.

8:00pm Dave O’Brian is doing the play-by-play. Steve Phillips is doing color for the broadcast. I like Phillips because he always brings up his service as the GM of the Mets. He regularly cites the Mo Vaughn signing as a self-deprecating reminder that everything he says should be taken with a grain of salt. I can appreciate that.

8:02pm Erin Andrews is smoking hot. I’m usually intimidated around smart, attractive women as is, but one that can talk baseball is beyond my comprehension.

8:08pm Dempster is pitching. The wind is blowing in. Johnson, Pie, Fukudome in the outfield. Ramirez, Theriot, DeRosa and Lee around the horn. Soto behind the dish. I have a weird feeling like Soto or Pie in the 7 and 8 spots are going to have a big game. {I promise that I actually made this prediction. No fake.}

8:12pm Weeks grounds out weakly to the pitcher after drawing a 2-2 count. He’s batting .190 on the season. What happened to this guy? I know he’s got some pop, but as time passes he appears to be more and more like Milwaukee’s Corey Patterson.

8:14pm Three up. Three down. Bring on Suppan.

8:18pm Reed Johnson has 90 plate appearances and has now taken 88 first pitches. The culture of patience is astounding considering the historical hackers we’ve had in our lineup over recent years. The Cubs are 13-5 when Johnson hits leadoff. I just picked him up on my fantasy team. He had a BONKERS catch that is an early candidate for play of the year. As I type this, he stings a single into left field. Now all he has to do is shave that Spiezioesque soul patch and I have a new man crush.

8:22pm Weeks misjudges a Theriot 3-2 hit-and-run slap up the middle. The ball squirts into right. Runners at the corners.

8:23pm Riot steals second on a no-throw by noodle-armed Jason Kendall.

8:25pm D. Lee doubles off the left field wall. Johnson scores. Cubs 1, Brewers 0.

8:26pm A. Ram doubles off the left field wall. Riot and Lee score. Cubs 3, Brewers 0.

8:32pm Fukudome lines out, DeRosa walks. Runners on first and second. Soto’s up. Phillips mentions that Suppan is at the 30-pitch mark already.

8:33pm Soto jerks a hanging curveball into the leftfield bleachers. It seems as though I’m juggling man crushes at the moment. Cubs 6, Brewers 0.



8:36pm Dempster slices a single to the opposite field. The wheels have come off, rolled into a nearby ditch and inexplicably burst into flame.

8:37pm 39 pitches and 19 minutes later. The first inning ends. Mercifully.

8:43pm Prince Fielder loops a single into center which caps 3 minutes of “Prince Fielder is not only a vegetarian but also encourages the clubhouse to be Eco-friendly” talk. I remember an era when our portly clean-up hitters boozed and womanized, but now they are socially conscious. What’s next? Will our hard-hitting strong safeties start writing children’s books?

8:46pm Hart pops out to second followed by Bill Hall grounding out to Ramirez. Rammy skips the ball into first and D. Lee nonchalantly picks the ball out of the dirt. I’m convinced that Derrick Lee for Hee Seop Choi is the biggest steal of the past ten years that nobody talks about.

8:54pm Suppan bounces back. Three up, three down.

8:59pm I REALLY like the way Dempster is mixing up, locating and executing his pitches. He’s been doing it all year. I know he was a 15 game winner with Cincy in 2001 before his Tommy John surgery so I shouldn’t be that surprised, but I think his closer stint as “The Dumpster” really clouds my ability to look objectively at him. That brutal 2006 season (75 IP, 77 H, 36 BB, 24 saves, 9 blown saves, 4.80 ERA) was difficult from a P.R. standpoint especially when the Cubs were the worst team in the National League. I think I’m still going to refer to him as “Dump-a-Lump” but only as a term of endearment.



9:06pm The Brewers patch together a two-out single and walk before Braun smokes a single to left. Cameron goes first to third. Runners at the corners. Prince is coming up. Time to settle down. Cubs 6, Brewers 1

9:09pm After a tough duel at the plate, Fielder floats out to left. Inning over. Three innings in the books.

9:12pm Fukudome hits a comebacker off Suppan, which kicks to first base with amazing english on it. It leaps away from Fielder who just narrowly misses the barehand adjustment and the ball shoots toward the Milwaukee bullpen. Your typical double.

9:15pm DeRo thumps a single to right field. Fukudome scores. Cubs 7, Brewers 1.

9:21pm Mark Cuban interview after the break!!! I wonder what they’ll talk about!?!?!

9:23pm Erin Andrews cozies up with Cubes sitting right in front of the Chicago on-deck circle for a little Q&A. She leads off with “Where did it go wrong with Avery (Johnson)?” You got some stones on ya, don’t cha … um, I mean, good question Erin. Interesting phrasing for sure though. After some softballs, she asks what the differences would be between Stern and Selig… Cuban, who CLEARLY wants to own the Cubs, remarks that “Bud Selig has been phenomenal for baseball.” I was half expecting him to add, “If no one else want him, I’ll take Judge Smails.”

BROWWNNN NOOSSSSEEE!!!

9:33pm Theriot ropes a single to left with one out. D. Lee looms large at the plate.

9:34pm D. Lee smacks a single into the gap. Runners at the corners. Suppan’s pitch count is at 74 through 4.1 innings. If I’m him, I’m breaking into the mini-bar hardcore tonight.

9:37pm Bill Hall boots a sharply hit ground ball. Riot scores, Lee and Ramirez safe. Cubs 8, Brewers 1.

9:43pm DeRo smacks an RBI single. Suppan leaves to mock applause. Cubs 9, Brewers 1.

9:47pm Soto jacks his second three run homer into the left field bleachers!!! You can close the book on Suppan (thank god). I hate being right all the time. Cubs 12, Brewers 1.

9:48pm Fukudome almost named his son Chicago last year. For some reason, this makes me immensely happy.

9:45pm It has just occurred to me this is my sixth running diary (Bulls/Wizards, Bulls/Warriors, Bears/Vikings, Virginia/Texas Tech, Cubs/Rockies) and my record is looking like it’s going to be 5-1. From now on, I’m doing running diaries of every Chicago playoff game going forward. Seems reasonable.

9:59pm Dempster scatters two walks before giving up a two-out double to Ryan Braun. Cubs 12, Brewers 3.

10:06pm Five innings complete. Time for another beer.

10:10pm ESPN does a montage with maudlin music about 1908: Taft was the 27th president, the first Model T first produced, the 4th modern Olympics happened in London… this doesn’t even bother me. It’s absurd that this is a requirement for national consumption of my favorite baseball team.

10:13pm Dave O’Brian refers to the episode last season when Zambrano criticized the fans after a rocky stretch in the late months of the season. To be honest, I completely forgot about that. I forgave him immediately after he apologized. He’s like my drunk best friend who gets in fights with bouncers every weekend. He’s a solid guy, but occasionally he gets bent out of shape and you just have to nod and pretend like you know what he’s talking about.

10:18pm Erin Andrews gives us a report about how Lou Piniella feels about the topic of the 100 year “curse”. Thank God, it had been almost ten minutes. I almost forgot about that.

10:24pm Fukudome takes a seven pitch at-bat and finally bloops an RBI single into right. Cedeno scores from second. Cubs 13, Brewers 3.

10:34pm Six innings in the books.

10:54pm I took the 7th inning off to watch this based on Ben’s recommendation. I’m glad I did. It’s the segment from “Costas Now” that has been causing much fervor throughout the blogosphere over the past 24 hours. The panelists are Buzz Bissinger (author, Friday Night Lights), Will Leitch (of Deadspin.com) and Braylon Edwards (wideout, Cleveland Browns). If you are interest in sports and how it is covered, I recommend that you watch this piece (it’s about 15 minutes long). Then I would suggest that you read the response from FJM which does very competent work and is a favorite of B&B. They crush the idiocy of Bissinger better than I could and in a way they stick up for the fabric of the sports blogging populace. I enjoy blogging because it’s a form of self-expression that is easy to explore and truly fun. Sports and writing are both passions of mine. I know that nobody reads this, but that's not even the point. It's out there and really that's all I care about. I derive enjoyment by browsing sports blogs to get a different take from knowledgeable people who aren’t bound to teams or news agencies. When it’s something worthwhile, I become a repeat reader and I feel like the process has moved along to the benefit of us all. Mr. Bissinger incorrectly asserts that only morons frequent blogs and we should all be wringing our hands with worry at the direction things are headed. Now, I’m far from being considered a literary snob, but I appreciate traditional sportswriting as well. I love The Last Amateurs, The Breaks of the Game and (of course) Moneyball. It’s all a wonderfully rich tapestry and the traditions these writers uphold are complimented (not diminished) by solid sports blogs. I’ve even read Three Nights in August by Mr. Bissinger and really liked it. However, I found his ambush (which is what it was) to be extremely surface based and reactionary. He speaks about spending years upon years honing his craft just as his contemporaries have done, those who sit perched in press boxes collecting and relaying facts. He fails to recognize that every corner of writing has hacks. For every Hunter S. Thompson there is a Jay Mariotti. For every 60 Minutes there is a TMZ. Blogs aren’t the problem. Crusty old men who are hateful because their mediums are slowly being put out to pasture are the problem. OK, that’s all I got for right now. By the way, Cubs 13, Brewers 5.

11:04pm Marmol is in. He is by far the livest arm in the NL Central. I think he has the potential to be the next “elite closer in a league of his own” for years to come. I’m telling you, Mariano Rivera good. I say this with no reservations. He strikes out Gabe Kapler looking with gas on the outside corner. He strikes out Bill Hall swinging on a two-seam fastball on the inside corner. J.J. Hardy pops up to Soto.

11:22pm Derrick Turnbow has given up a run and now is in a two-out, bases loaded jam. Theriot up next. Cubs 14, Brewers 5.



11:26pm Turnbow walks in his second run of the inning. Cubs 15, Brewers 5.

11:27pm Cedeno hits a bases clearing double. Nobody is warming up in the bullpen. At this point, I just feel bad for the kid. He’s twisting in the wind. He has no command or velocity at this point. I understand that you want to save arms in a blowout, but this has got to CRUSH his confidence. Cubs 18, Brewers 5.

11:28pm Ward demolishes a double into the gap in right-center. Cedeno trots home. Ned Yoast FINALLY gets some action going in the bullpen. This is painful to watch even as a Cubs fan. Steve Phillips muses that he absolutely has to be playing injured and I’m inclined to agree. Cubs 19, Brewers 5.

11:32pm Hank White walks. Runners on first and second. Yoast taps his left arm. It’s about fucking time.

11:36pm Stetter relieves Turnbow and promptly strikes out DeRosa.

11:43pm Wuertz retires the side in the top of the 9th. Ballgame.