This is therapeutic for me...deal with it

One play rarely alters the course of a team's history. This play, the one in question, is one that still salts my exposed and bleeding Packer heart. And from it have sprung both joy and grief.

A playoff loss to the Vikings at home during which Randy Moss celebrated a touchdown by offending Joe Buck's sensibilities. A 4-12 season. Months and months of multiple off-seasons spent living in fear and loathing of a Brett Favre retirement press conference. A too-good-to-be-true 13-3 2007 regular season.

The sequence receiving the most attention this week, and has been since the Jordan Babineaux sealed the Redskins-Seahawks game in the Wild Card Round, is Mr. We Want the Ball and We're Gonna Score quick cut to Al Harris's walk-off interception in overtime at Lambeau. You may have seen the clip several dozen times already this week.

The play about which I write occurred a week later.

To many, 4th and 26 means plenty. To Freddie Mitchell, a new nickname, "First Down Freddie" (Freddie Mitchell, if you are curious, used to be a wide receiver in the National Football League). To the city of Philadelphia, one of the greatest moments in Eagles' history. For Ed Donatell, it meant he was out of a job. It even has it's own MOTHERFUCKING Wikipedia entry.

I don't believe in teams of destiny anymore.

If ever there was a team that seemed to be one, it was the 2003-2004 Green Bay Packers. Beginning with Irv Favre's sudden and unexpected death and culminating with a 17-14 lead, 1:12 remaining in the 4th quarter, the Eagles on their own 25 with no timeouts, it seemed to the team, to the staff, and to the fans that the Packers were fated to be world champions. In between, there was the 399 yard-4 TD Monday night, the miracle victory by the Cardinals over the Vikings (without which the Packers don't even make the playoffs), and the epic battle against the Seahawks.

And then…the Rebs are on the right flank, headquarters is absorbing massive artillery fire, and it's Joe 'Fightin' Joe' Hooker all over again (OK, that was a thinly-veiled attempt to work the Army of the Potomac into the conversation).

It doesn't matter that the Packers blew a 14 point lead in the game. It doesn't matter that Mike Sherman's play-calling on 4th down was abhorrent. Nor does it matter that the Eagles, after that one play, still had to drive down the field to kick the game tying field goal, intercept a pass in overtime, and then drive again to kick the game winner. The only relevant fact about that game is that if the Packers hold the Eagles to 25 yards or less on that one play, the game is over and won.

How does this relate this week's Divisional Playoff against the Seahawks? Only in my head, apparently. Of the 22 starters and the coaching staff from that team, only 8 remain. Mike Sherman is blessedly gone. Darren Sharper, Ahman Green, Marco Rivera, and Mike Wahle have all left. Bubba Franks is on the bench.

But my demons need to be exorcised and the franchise needs put its post-Holmgren postseason ineptitude behind it. The woeful disappointments of the past 4 seasons have been somewhat assuaged by the Packers' performance during the regular season, however, a one-and-done performance this year would only serve to renew the agony with extreme vigor.

I need a confidence that belies the Packers' status as the youngest team in the league. I need a brilliant game plan from Mike McCarthy, who I hope will spend many years on the Packers' sidleline and have one of the streets surrounding Lambeau named after him. I need someone to put a body on Patrick Kerney. I need Matt Hasselbeck on the turf at least 10 times. And, I desperately need this not to be Brett Favre's last game.

Oh…and just for fun. Reprise, bitches.

Enter the Liverbird

This upcoming Saturday marks the one-year anniversary of “The Bowler and Benny” and it only seems appropriate that our first post was entitled Matt Hasselbeck and the Hawks: Assclowns on Parade. It appears that we’ve come full circle: 12 months, 58 posts and those pesky Seahawks and their incorrigible fans still are atop our shit list. Last year they limped out of Soldier Field in the Divisional Round after a hard fought and heartbreaking loss to the Bears. This year, they are up against (in my humble opinion) even bigger odds when they once again take their show on the road to Green Bay to assail their demons from playoffs past. We are familiar with Benny’s fractured take on Mike Holmgren, but this return engagement has got to have my esteemed colleague reexamining this old issue in a new light - from exalted head coach, to greedy egoist, to football pariah, to bad penny all in the span of ten years… The mind reels. Anyway, I’ll leave Ben to the breakdown since his team will be in the ring this weekend.

I would like to take this opportunity to introduce the newest member and welcome addition to this blog… Ladies and Gentlemen, our new Footy Correspondent, Mr. Kurt Bauer aka Dirty McLiverbird. Kurt and I attended Loyola Academy together and share some common interests highlighted by (but not limited to) Mel Brooks movies, bum wine at dawn and “taking the day off”. He also played four years of soccer in high school before destroying his knee and turning to less endurance related pursuits (such as yelling at TV during sporting events and sporadically breaking out into soccer songs). He’s the reason I am a Liverpool fan and there is nary a soul who knows more about the Premiership than this man. We’ve brought him on this January, a time when player transfers are made and stretch runs are contemplated, to add some much needed depth to our English football coverage. So like a super-sub of Ryan Babel-esque proportions, El Dirty is here for the betterment of this page… and it’s not a moment too soon.

I would say “this picture doesn’t do him justice”, but that’s not true. At all. The picture is spot on. This is the teasipper who is going to write about Footy. Hide the children.

Oh, Mr. Simpson, I cannot go there! Jacksonville Municipal Stadium was the site of my spiritual depantsing!

1:09 pm - It's a couple of moments before kickoff and I'm watching the Gator Bowl with my Dad in Keswick, VA. We have both spent the better part of the morning in bed nursing what we both hope is the worst hangover of 2008. My Mom (aka the smart one who didn't partake in the copious whiskey drinking and cigar smoking) is reminding us in a purposely shrill tone that it's a beautiful day outside.

I was a boy of 13 the last time Virginia played on the first of January. I've been going to UVa homecoming games with my parents for as long as I could sit still for three hours and be sedated with promises of popcorn and hot dogs. I learned "the good ole song of wa-hoo-wa" before I could read or write. So, basically, yeah, this was a big deal for me.

I ask my Dad for his prediction right before kickoff, he shakes his head grimly:
"Not good, Bubba. Texas Tech 37 , UVa 21"

1:11pm - Robbie Gould's brother booms the opening kick off out of the endzone. So far, so good.

1:13pm - Chris Long bats a Texas Tech pass down on 3rd and 10, a punt ensues. I love that the University retired his number before he played in his last game with the reasoning, "Why wait?"


1:19pm - After a three and out for Virginia, my Dad and I watch one of those Sonic commercials where those two guys sit in a car and talk about the new menu items. Comments such as "Can you name two more annoying people on TV than these jagoffs?" and "Have you ever actually SEEN a Sonic before?" are volleyed back and forth. There are many questions... but few answers.

1:27pm - Tech marches down the field and scores a TD. The word "methodical" comes to mind. 10 plays, 78 yards and 3:37 off the clock. I already hate the spread offense. Does this team even recruit running backs?

1:31pm - The announcer prognosticates, "We might see Lalich at some point in this game." (Translation: "This will be a blowout and the true freshman who hasn't played a down since Week 5 will get some reps in garbage time.")

1:38pm - Virginia QB Jameel Sewell has a couple nice runs, Mikell Simpson makes an appearance and picks up 11 yards on 2 carries. Nice drive so far - we're in the Red Zone!

1:39pm - It's the much beloved jump pass to TE Jonathan Stupar for six points! The announcers say Sewell has "channeled his inner Tim Tebow". Yay!

Tied at 7-7, 4:48 left in the first quarter.

1:46 pm - Amazing play by the Texas Tech punter Jonathan Lacour. The ball was long snapped over his head, he scrambles for it and gets off a rushed kicked it WITH HIS LEFT FOOT WHILE GETTING ARMBARED TO THE GROUND and still managed a 15 yard punt. Virginia has another fabulous three and out from the 50 yard line and punted right back to them, downing it just inside the Red Raider 15 yard line. Basically, Lacour saved the Texas Tech 3 points.

1:52pm - Nate Collins gets two of them back by sacking Graham Harrell in the endzone!!! I’m having NFC Championship flashbacks. This is officially a good thing.

1:57pm- End of first quarter, Virginia 9-7

Dad leans over:

"Well, so far so good. If the game ended now, we'd win. Right son?"

I nod.

"I have a firm grasp of the obvious. Okay"

Whiskey kills brain cells, I’m fairly certain.


2:08pm - The Chris Long lovefest continues. I'm very comfortable with this premise.

2:11pm - Jeffery Fitzgerald puts his hat on Harrell to make it 2nd and 18. Then Clint Sintim gets held on a screen pass. 2nd & 28 on the Texas Tech 37. After an incomplete pass it looks like the D is about to slam the door.

2:15pm - The door slams but a window opens. Lacour booms a punt that is downed on the Virginia 2 yard line. This could be the only game in bowl history that is 9-9 without any field goals. Lacour is easily the MVP of the game so far.


2:19pm - Well, that last statement lasted for all but 4 minutes. Mikell Simpson just set a Gator Bowl (and UVa school) record with a 94 yard run. Just GORGEOUS blocking. Benny calls as he crosses the goaline and we simply start exchanging single words for the next 30 seconds... "NASTY" "GROSS" "SICK" “UNREAL”

To be honest, I was just happy to see him manipulating the telephone again in a responsible manner. I was a little worried about him last night based mostly around the rambling incoherent messages he left me. Seven, to be exact.

Just as a point of reference, Karen (Benny's wonderfully understanding girlfriend) posted this on my Facebook wall this morning: “Ben crossed over to the dark side last night... Let's just say, this morning he told me he has no memory of "happy new year". But I was able to capture a video of him singing and dancing to THE HOT STEPPER by Ini Kamoze. I really could have used your back.”

Benny. You are truly the standard by which "I think he's had too much" is measured.

2:26pm - Virginia 16-7 with 6:39 left in the half. The Wahoos look strong on defense and force another punt.

2:28pm - As I'm furiously typing away on my laptop during a commercial break, my Dad muses outloud:
"That's a helluva rack."
I look up with great interest.
It's a Hartford Mutual commercial.
I turn my attention back to the laptop, perturbed.

2:36pm - ANOTHER INTENTIONAL GROUNDING IN THE ENDZONE!!! This time LB Clint Sintim is the culprit. What are the odds? No. Seriously.

Virginia leads 18-7 AND we get the ball back with 2:32 left in the half.

2:40pm - I enjoy statistics.

Rushing yards
UVa - 164
Texas Tech - negative 16

To borrow a phrase from Benny, Texas Tech's running game exists in a vacuum.

2:44pm - A roughing the passer call puts UVA at the 18 yard line with 32 seconds left. This is followed by a pass to guard Brandon Albert who lined up as a tackle so he assumes eligible receiver status. The play gains 6 yards and my Dad posits that they are throwing him in the playbook as a token of good faith so he won't jump to the NFL this summer. Albert is listed at 6-7 and 315 pounds. I say we line him up in the slot and see if he kills anyone.

2:49pm - Gould hits a FG as time expires to make it an unconventional 21-7 at half time. Texas Tech coach Mike Leach gives a whinny interview as he walks off the field with the basic message being, "Take away a couple big plays and they really haven't moved the ball on us that much." Um, ok.




3:13pm - The second half starts with a Texas Tech successful onside kick. Wonderful.

3:14pm - Texas Tech fumbles, Virginia recovers, but he was initially ruled down so the Red Raiders retain possession. While this is a challengeable play, nothing happens. They better not score a touchdown here, otherwise that is a complete mind fuck.

3:22pm - Texas Tech marches down the field and scores a touchdown. CB Chris Cook's replacement #19 (not going to dignify him by looking up his name) blows his coverage assignment. This is either a turning point in the game or it isn't. We're about to find out.

Virginia 21-14 with 10:01 in the 3rd quarter. My head hurts.

3:29pm - Stupar pulls in a first down pass on third down and long off a ball deflected at the line. Maybe the good ju-ju is coming back to our side.

3:31pm - Mikell Simpson is down on the field after an unsuccessful option. It looks like his head was driven into the ground. He walked off after a minute or two, but he's certainly seeing stars. I'm just going to shut up for a while.

3:42pm - Virginia stands tough and halts a promising drive. Texas Tech fails to convert on 4th down. Mike Leach goes for it on 4th down more than Benny does when he's playing Madden after a 12pack.

3:47pm - Sewell has a nice run, followed by a nice run by Jackson. The report from the sideline is Simpson has a neck stinger, he'll be sore tomorrow, but he's getting back in. Things are looking up.

3:49pm - Sewell fumbles a snap and then sails his 14th pass of the game. Punt.

Sewell is joining the ranks of my extremely volatile “Sports Love-Hate Relationship List” which includes Rex Grossman, Kirk Hinrich and Rich Hill. For the record, this is NOT a good list to be on.

3:51pm - Virgnia recovers a fumble at midfield after a Texas Tech pass completion. Just a fabulous defensive play. We desperately need a short field.

3:54pm - End of the 3rd. Virginia 21 -14. Holla.

4:00pm - Sewell, after picking up a first down on a run up the middle, is hurt. It looks like he could be out for the game. True freshman Peter Lalich is warming up. My mom made me a grilled cheese sandwich to cheer me up. She's the best.

4:04pm - Lalich goes three and out, almost throws a pick, but one of the Texas Tech players lines up in the neutral zone. Simpson promptly picks up the first down. It becomes quite evident that we are really going to tempt fate in the final quarter of this game.

4:07pm - A celebration penalty is called on Texas Tech after a fairly typical tackle in the flat. My Dad correctly identifies the problem: "This is a dumb bell team."

The penalty moves us to 2nd & 3 on the 8 yard line still up 21-14 with 12:14 left in the game. Lalich is officially in a "dare to be great" scenario.

4:12pm - Lalich finds Simpson for a dumpoff pass that concludes in the endzone. Virginia leads 28-14. My Dad went upstairs to shoot a squirrel filling his gullet at our birdfeeder with an airgun strategically placed on a second floor landing. Things are really starting to happen in the King household.

4:18pm - Tech converts on 4th & 4

4:21pm - Tech converts on 4th & 3 on a pass interference call. They are really starting to play with fire.

4:23pm - Standout Texas Tech WR Michael Crabtree catches a tipped pass for a 15 yard gain. They are now in the red zone. Talk about nickel and diming your way down the field. There's 8:45 left in the game.

4:28pm - Fourth and goal on the 1 yard line. "This could be the game"

4:29pm - They pass it? Harell feels the pressure. Incomplete. Wahoo's take over on the their 1 yard line. After three runs up the middle, Virginia punts from the shadows of their own goalpost. Tech takes over on their 48 with 5:38 left, down two touchdowns. It's looked VERY promising.

4:35pm - Chris Long on three straight plays: streaks by his defender and causes a holding penalty, slides by two defenders and hurries a pass for incompletion, bats down a pass. He's got a big piece of sod in his helmet and looks to be snarling at this point. My hand hurts from high-fiving my Dad.

4:38pm - #19 is getting TORCHED. He just interfered with Crabtree in the end zone and he STILL caught the ball for a touchdown. There's 3:31 left and it's now a 7 point game. It's time to pick up some first downs running the ball.

4:43pm - After a touchback, Brandon Albert incurs a false start penalty. 1st and 15. Christ.

4:45pm - Lalich fumbles, Texas Tech recovers on the Virginia 4 yard line. First and goal for Texas Tech. We have just lost cabin pressure.



4:48pm - Texas punches it in. Tie game. Unbelievable. Erie silence.

5:03pm - Sewell is back to run a 3 minute drill. Hope the knee is OK.

5:05pm - Three and out. 2:17 left.

5:06pm - Poor punt for UVa.

5:07pm - Dad and I look at each other and say "self destruct" at the same time. It's quiet in here.

5:08pm - Texas Tech recovers it's own fumble. Naturally.

5:09pm - Tech is in field goal range. 24 seconds left in the game. Just waiting for the axe to drop.

5:11pm - Texas Tech kicker Tralica comes out onto field. He's 12/20 on the season. Seven seconds left. 41 yard FG awaits.

5:12pm - Groh ices Tralica

5:13pm - Game Over. Texas Tech 31, Virginia 28.

That was just brutal.

Prior to this, I was a nasty pitcher

Featured Comment on ESPN.com at 10:50 EST on December 26th:

"Steal of the modern era… Prior will bounce back this season"
~Rhymeister

Let’s settle down a little, sound like a plan? When "the next Tom Seaver" signs a one year deal at the age of 27 with his hometown team for a base salary of one million dollars, it’s time to reevaluate just how great this individual is. Trust me, I understand how all the elements of this equation seem to add up for optimistic Padres fans. Pitchers park, native son, redemption possibilities, bad Cubbies karma, etc, etc, etc… I also understand how breathtakingly amazing his 2003 campaign was for all the right reasons. He could locate pitches inside and out while changing speeds with ease. He had good velocity as well as tremendous late action on his breaking balls. He could throw basically any pitch in any count for a strike. These are all prime reasons why we (as Cubs fans) held onto this Mark Prior ideal, we felt like the injuries were merely a stop-over before monumental greatness. However (the freak broken arm from a comebacker to the mound notwithstanding) the injuries are a part the Prior package. He’s had the exploratory surgeries with no bonafide results, which raises suspicions that his physical troubles reside more between his ears than anything else. The phrase “genetic looseness” has been used to describe his elbow, which is either insane or idiotic as a wide-ranging cause for his reoccurring IR stints. He missed all of last season rehabbing from shoulder surgery which is historically the most damning affliction possible for starting pitchers. Am I saying that Mark Prior is soft? Not really. I do, however, think he’s not only injury prone, but prone to mental self-sabotage. I think his desire to overcome and understand his physical roadblocks don’t keep him up at night. I think he lacks the fortitude to be a consistent All-Star on a competitive team. I swear I’m not just being bitter here, I honestly believe this.

So why does Kerry Wood get a pass? Well, he’s expressed his frustrations with his injury history through the media and in his actions. He renegotiated his existing contract to take a hometown discount which he was under no obligation to do. He accepted his role as a set-up man with an eager willingness to rejoin the Cubs and help them win. Prior has been on the shelf for the majority of the last two years with a puss on, collecting fat checks and moaning about the training staff. Perhaps there is some validity to those claims, or perhaps the redonkulous strain placed on him in 2003 by Dusty Baker (Go Reds!) really did majorly effect his health. That’s neither here nor there. I’ve followed him with rapt attention since his breakout year and he’s nothing but an excuse machine with a looming upside that never materializes. Plugging the name Mark Prior into your 2004 fantasy baseball roster before the season started probably gave you a big rubbery one (Benny can attest to that), but holding on to that one season is a futile affair.

Will he have a decent year with San Diego? It’s entirely possible. I could see him pitching somewhere in the range of 120 innings with a 4+ ERA and a whiff of 10 wins. But unless Rhymeister has fashioned some sort of portal back to an era when Hey Ya! and The O.C. were at the height of their popularity, the steal of the modern era will continue to remain Big Papi.

I’m just sayin…

The Bowler and Benny Greatest Hits: 2007 Edition

It's been six weeks since Ben or I have posted something. The two of us have been fairly busy over the past month, but to be strictly honest our (already woefully inaccurate) NBA preview took it out of us. We just needed a respite in the grand scheme of things. For some, the absence of a B&B original has lasted far too long. For others, this hiatus has served as a great opportunity to waste time on other websites such as cracked.com or this gameboy emulator site. However, for many, the fact that we haven't written anything in weeks has had completely no effect whatsoever. To be fair, we don't much mind that last demographic because we started this blog almost a year ago as a platform for two college buddies to entertain each other... and using that standard, I think it's been a resounding success. Before the advent of this site we'd toil away on our fantasy sports message board churning out the only impassioned and witty smacktalk in the league. On the phone, we'd do our best to fit all the current sports minutia into fifteen minute calls at (the proverbial) halftime during our weekend. While these tactics still exist in a largely reduced role, this blog has served as a wonderful outlet for our collective need to experience sports with equal parts humor and awe.

With that being said, I'd like to thank Ben for agreeing to indulge me in this venture. It's worthwhile because you're on board and I owe you for all the belly laughs you have provided with your roundly appealing and enigmatic banter. You truly are the Alan Arkin to my Peter Falk (I could have gone with Dennis Miller and Norm McDonald, but I thought that would piss you off).

I'd also like to thank TK (my brother) for being such a supportive reader and our most consistent and thoughtful "Comment Hawk". In accordance with that designation I just made up, Ben and I owe you a Andre Dawson-style Salami greeting next time we see you... and even if he's a Cubs fan - and TK is most certainly that. Quite possibly the biggest Cubs fan in all of San Francisco County, which would place him high in the runnin' for biggest Cub's fan worldwide. Sometimes there's a man, sometimes, there's a man....


Speaking of which, Kosuke Fukudome is a Chicago Cub!!! He's basically all I've heard about for the last month and I'm so completely excited about this signing because of the unknown factor. He’s a cross between Ichiro and Hideki Matsui!!! Wait, he's a cross between Ichiro and Eric Brynes!!! Holy crap!!! I'm much too much of a pragmatist to fall for any of this, but he does stack up quite well to other Japanese exports who’ve come to the Majors. UmpBump did an excellent job breaking his game down, so I'll let them handle the details. However, I will say this. Some people are already questioning the amount spent (4 year, $48 million) on a corner outfielder who has never played in MLB, recently had elbow surgery and turns 31 next year. These points all presuppose that the Cubs scouting staff hasn't kicked his tires and done the appropriate leg work. I find that highly unlikely. Cubs fans know that they've been coveting Fukudome for a couple years now, all the while keeping close tabs on him until his contract with the Chunichi Dragons was up. Also, he fits PERFECTLY into this Cubs team. I'm not saying he's the final puzzle piece, but having a versatile left-handed bat with a gaudy OBP that can field AND throw is exactly what we missed. Our corner outfielders will be throwing frozen ropes all around Wrigley for the next handful of years and our centerfielder (Felix Pie) has tremendous speed and an affinity for making sensational catches appear routine. D Lee plays a gold glove caliber first base while Ramirez is much improved at the hot corner. Giovanni Soto showed some tremendous ability (both swinging from and catching behind the plate) towards the end of last year in big games. Theriot, DeRosa and (knock on wood) Brian Roberts would make this not only one of the best fielding teams in the National League, but also one of the premier hitting lineups top-to-bottom. I just reread that last paragraph and it becomes painfully obvious that the Bears are 5-8 and the Bulls are 7-13 right now.


Alright, with the year winding down to a close, I’m going to provide my Top Five favorite posts from Bowler and Benny over the past year:

Honorable Mention
Ben’s reaction to ESPN’s coverage of the Home Run Derby

I liked this piece because it reminded me of simpler times. I recall waking up every morning at 6:45am during grade school because Sportscenter started at 7am. What makes this all the more impressive is that classes didn't start until 8:55am and I lived a ten minute walk from school. People sometimes forget just how wonderfully addicting ESPN was during the "glory days". I'd attentively watch as Keith Olbermann and Dan Patrick wove magic with those highlights while I ate my Life cereal. Now I'm forced to suffer through Trey Wingo and Linda Cohn (sometimes in hi-def *yikes*) attempting to work Hannah Montana jokes into WNBA clips. Kill yourself.

5) My farewell to Mr. Thomas Jones

If you're asking me if I ever get tired of being right, the answer is... Absolutely I do.

4) Ben’s trip to the Packers/Giants game this year

As bad as this sounds coming from a Bears fan, I'm a huge Brett Favre guy. I've been converted because whenever Ben speaks about him, I understand that it's bigger than team affiliations or rivalries. I can hear a little of myself extolling the virtues of Michael Jeffery Jordan in his wildly glowing soliloquies. I still remember that day in January 2002 when the Bears and Packers both fell in the conference semis. Favre threw six interceptions and they lost to the (then great) Rams. We watched our games separately and then reconvened at our apartment and traded solemn, yet knowing nods of mutual defeat. I'll never forget it because Ben wasn't mad, he was just disappointed because he knew the greatness was there. Everyone has that ONE GUY from their childhood that will always be the truest of sports heroes. My dad had Brooks Robinson, my brother has Ryne Sandberg and Benny... has Brett Favre.

3) My brush with Greatness (personified by Tiger Woods)

I'll always remember the '89 Cubs season. I'll always remember those Knicks vs. Bulls playoff series in the early 90's. I'll always remember the 2006 Bears and what they did for the city of Chicago. Congruently, I'll always remember seeing Tiger Woods in person, methodically calibrating his game and staring down a golf course that he would destroy over the next four days. These are things that never leave you.

2) A Cubbie afternoon in late June

I've done running diaries of both Bears and Bulls games, but never at a Cubbies game. This was my first run at it and I was extremely pleased with the way things turned out. I can still recall how ominous the sky was that day and how, now in the middle of winter, just how wonderful those long days felt. The sun is setting at 4:13pm today and Wrigley Field is just a big building that I have to walk around to get to Clark street. March can't come soon enough.

1) TIE

Athletes and Hip-Hop: Why Just Because You Can, Doesn't Mean You Should

and

When doing what I want goes wrong

Easily the funniest thing we've done all year. I understand that making fun of athletes "performing" hip-hop is like shooting fish in a barrel, but that doesn't make it any less amusing. If you have yet to peruse these "10 worst" videos, please do so right now and thank us later...

In the quiet words of the Virgin Mary...come again?

In a desperate search for material, AK and I are going to the well again. Without further ado, our NBA preview a la Snatch.*


“I know a lot of tits, guv-nah. But I don’t know any quite as fucking stupid as these two.”

New York Knicks 22-60

Sol and Vinny's aborted robbery of the bookies is allegory for the Knicks. I can't even look at their roster because I treasure the continued use of my eyes.

Fellas, I've shown more respect to a woman with my left nut. Pearl necklaces rule.

Oh, and Cablevision blows. Doucehbag.


“What’s wrong with this one?”
[Turkish pulls the caravan door off its hinges]
“Oh nothing, Tommy. It’s tip-top. It’s just I’m not sure about the color.”

Indiana Pacers: 33-49

This team was once a brand-spanking new caravan. It looked like one and smelled like one. It had working air conditioning, power windows, and enough space to run an illegal boxing operation. Now? It's siding has been stained by the smoke from sausages cooking over a barbecue, the floor is askew because one of its tires has deflated, its doors are falling off, and pinups of lewd women have destroyed any semblance of décor.

Jermaine O'Neal is playing with one arm and the rest of their roster looks worse than the Cleveland Cavaliers minus Lebron. I think we can all thank Ron Artest for single-handedly authoring this nightmare. It's time to start over when there are 8 white dudes on the roster (including, the younger Mike Dunleavy).


“I fail to see the correlation between losing 10k, hospitalizing Gorgeous, and a ‘good deal’.”

Philadelphia 76ers: 37-45
Losing the sole prizefighter you manage and buying a broken caravan in the same outing is somewhat less humiliating than trading Allen Iverson for Andre Miller and a jaunty vaudeville song and dance. The inept personnel management for the past 5 years (at least) is harrowing.

Regardless, it couldn't happen to a better city. Cheers, Philadelphia. You deserve to have Shavlik Randolph and Kevin Ollie on your team. I hope you enjoy watching Andre Iguodala try to complete a 720-degree dunk in a game the Sixers are losing by 40 points.

Oh, and if I'm going to wait on a 35-minute line for a cheesesteak, it shouldn't be fair to average and taste like its been microwaved. You suck.


“It turns out that the sweet-talkin’, tattoo-sportin’ pikey was gypsy bare-knuckle boxing champion. Which makes him ‘arder than a coffin nail.”

San Antonio Spurs: 60-22

I like Tim Duncan. He says all the right things and he's one of the best players in the league…ever. And I really appreciated the incident with Joey Crawford and that the NBA suspended their own official as a way of apologizing to him for the ejection. They can't beat the Suns though. Tony Parker has better chance of going platinum in Belgium. Also, I think the rest of the league is starting to get tired of Manu and Bowen. It's only a matter of time before they both get sucker-punched. I strongly believe that Mike Dunleavy, Jr. is the man for the job.

[Tyrone backs into Franky Four Fingers’ van]
“I didn’t see it there.”
“It’s a four-ton truck Tyrone. It’s not as if it’s a packet of peanuts, is it?”
“It was a funny angle.”
“It’s behind you, Tyrone. Whenever you reverse, things come from behind you.”
“Look, you ‘assle me, you see what happens.”

Milwaukee Bucks: 43-41

When I saw that the Chinese government would only let Yi Jianlian play for 1 of 6 teams that they had hand-picked, I was ecstatic. I knew the Bucks were interested in drafting him and I was concerned about them blowing the 6th pick in the draft on a mediocre player. After this press release, I thought there would be no way that they would be stupid enough to draft him. Wrong. I applaud management for taking a stand against the Reds, but I think the way to do so is to nurture domestic industry and provide incentives to our manufacturers to keep their plants here. Instead, Milwaukee drafted Yi and I was forced to read about the Bucks management getting on their hands and knees to bribe the Chinese government to allow him to play for us. If you don't think there was graft involved in that agreement then you don't know a lot about Communism.

That said, I do like this team on paper and they may even make the playoffs. Bobby Simmons will be the Comeback Player of the Year and Williams, Redd, and Villanueva give them some teeth, but talent-wise, this is a team that's built to plateau around above-average.

“Why do they call him the ‘Bullet-Dodger’?”
“Because he dodges bullets, Avi.”

Denver Nuggets 52-30

And this is why Allen Iverson is the Answer. 28-6-4-2 and 165 of pounds of perpetual motion. A delight to watch, even during the 58% of the shots that he misses. He and 'Melo lead the darkhorse through the West if Kenyon Martin and Marcus Canby can stay healthy.


If they get hot, they can surpass Dallas or San Antonio and make it to the Conference Finals.

“So, you are obviously the big dick. The men on the side of ya are your balls. There are two types of balls. Big brave balls, and mincy faggot balls….Now dicks have drive and clarity of vision, but they are not clever. They smell pussy and they want a piece of the action. And you thought you smelled some good ol’ pussy and have brought your two mincy faggot balls along for a good ol’ time. But you’ve got your parties mangled up. There’s no pussy here, just a dose that’ll make you wish you were born a woman. Like a prick, you’re having second thoughts. You are shrinking, and your two little balls are shrinking with you. And the fact that you’ve got “REPLICA” written down the side of your gun, and the fact that I’ve got “DESERT EAGLE POINT FIVE OH” written down the side of mine, should precipitate your balls into shrinking, along with your presence. Now, FUCK OFF!”

Boston Celtics: 46-36

The hands-down best monologue in movie history.

Pundits have anointed another famous troika in the East, while seeming to forget that the game played on the no-longer-parquet floors of Boston is still a team game. Be prepared to witness the redefinition of over-hyped. I'm tired of the bullshit and I refuse to be force-fed the Celtics return to eminence. You can't throw 3 thirtysomething All-Stars into the hopper and expect to hang a Conference Champions banner in the Fleet Center next fall. If that happened, everything we know about basketball is wrong. There are a lot of people that are going to have second-thoughts about this line up come May.


“Could you tell me why you’ve got a dead man with an arm missing in your boot? And look, is that a tea cozy on ‘is ‘ead?”

Washington Wizards: 50-32

Much has been made of Agent Zero's "bizarre" musings. The dude can ball and so can his team. The success that has eluded the Wizards on the court vanishes this year.

Antwan Jamison, Caron Butler, and yes, DeShawn Stevenson, complement our friend nicely. Book 'em for the Eastern Conference Finals. You won't want to miss the ride or the commentary.

“You’re not goin’ anywhere ya tick-womp. Ya stay ‘til the job is done.”

Cleveland Cavaliers: 43-39

Whatever the speculation about Bron-Bron's career after Cleveland (and there will be one), much of his legacy, for better or worse will be defined by our perception of him during his seminal years. We see no ceiling except for the one he constructs with his body language and his attitude and his failures. There is no such thing as unfair expectations in his case (and the fact that is unfair in itself is not relevant). He must drag this crew of NBDL players to a championship, or else he will be perceived as another Charles Barkley or a pre-Duncan David Robinson.

“You can keep the 10 grand, along wit' the body, but if I see you again…you MOTHERFUCKERS…well…look at him.”[Gestures at Franky Four Fingers, shot in the face, with a tea cozy covering his head and his right-arm hacked off at the elbow]


Utah Jazz: 41-41

The video is a beautiful characterization of Andrei's game the past couple years. And if you look closely you can see that his wife is in firm possession of his testicles.

Boris the Blade the Uzbekistanian and Andrei Kirilenko the Russian are mirrors of the societies of which they are a product. And like the Soviet Union and post-Yeltsin Russia, the only similarities between the two are that they were begat in the same misbegotten corner of the world. Kirilenko possesses the resources to become a dominant player. His tears during the playoffs and his willingness to leave $63 million of his contract on the table betray a frustrating inability to efficiently utilize them and the ultimate demise of his game. Psychologically, he gets in his own way, the perpetual black cloud overhead. The future always appears as bleak as the present. The Jazz, like Sol and Vinny, are stuck with a decaying corpse and in Russia, the road forks you.

Outside of Deron Williams and Carlos Boozer, there isn't much about this team to like. Mehmet Okur must prove that last year wasn't a fluke. They're not good enough to make the playoffs this year.


“Want me to get ‘im fer ya?”
“That’s a good lad.”
[Pikey lad doesn’t move]
“Well are you goin’ ta get him for me?”
“Yeah.”
“Well what’re ya waiting for?’
“The five quid you’re goin’ ta pay me.”
“Fuck off, I’ll find him me-self.”
“You’re a real tight fucker aren’t ya.”

Seattle Supersonics: 29-53

I don't care of it’s the worst lease in the NBA or if the Key Arena is the smallest venue. I am unmoved that you have to give a comparatively high amount of the team's revenue to the city of Seattle. It is irrelevant that you're hemorrhaging cash. The fans own the team and the team owns them. A billionaire that holds a franchise hostage is a harbinger of the guillotine and bloodied powdered wigs. Kevin Durant, bitches.

“What should I call you? ‘Bullet’? ‘Tooth’?”
“You can call me Susan if it makes you happy.”

New Orleans Hornets: 36-46

The odyssey from Charlotte to New Orleans to Oklahoma City to New Orleans has erased their identity from our minds. We know Grand-ma-ma, Zo, Mugsy, Kendall Gill, and Dell Curry played once, but the team they played for is extinct. Most of us confuse the new guys with the Bobcats. Wasn't Desmond Mason an All-Star for them?

Regardless of what we may think, NBA teams beware. Don't sleep on the Hornets. They're feisty. They'd be a playoff team in the East. Mo' Pete will have a career year. I don't watch basketball until the playoffs, but I'd watch Chris Paul play any day of the week. And they have enough veteran has-beens to make things interesting. Well, until the end of March, anyway.


“I will do you a favor, Mullet. I’ll not bash the livin’ fuck out of you in front of all your girlfriends ‘ere.”
[Bullet-Tooth Tony grabs Mullet’s tie, pulls his head into his car window, rolls up the window to trap Mullet's head in the car, and proceeds to drive down the road]
“Comfortable, Mullet? It seems it sadly ironic that it’s that tie that’s got you in this pickle.”

New Jersey Nets: 41-41

Vince Carter was signed by the Nets for the sole purpose of delivering an NBA championship. He was supposed to save basketball in the Meadowlands. They'll never win with Vince in town. He puts up some numbers, sure.

Maybe it's the Toronto debacle that poisoned my perception of him. Maybe it's because it seems that he disappears in big games. And I have no proof of this, but I hold him personally responsible for stunting the evolution of Richard Jefferson's potential into real game. His contract has left the Nets with an aging roster that is a J-Kidd broken wrist away from looking like the New York Knicks. Good thing we're used to trash on this side of the Hudson, too.


“Hare coursin’ is when they set two lurchers – they’re dogs before you ask – on a hare. And the hare has to outrun the dogs.”
“So what if it doesn’t?”
“Well the big rabbit gets fucked, doesn’t it?”
“Proper fucked?”
“Yeah, Tommy, before zee Germans get there.”

Phoenix Suns: 66-16

And the big rabbit will get proper fucked because nobody can run with these lurchers. It'll be easier than we think and it'll be nice to see Grant Hill win a championship. Anyone that thinks the Spurs or the Mavs can beat these guys spends a lot of time fellating the Dooze and playing grab-ass with his friends, J-Bug and JackO.

You have to go through 7 players before you hit their real bench. They will beat teams inside and outside and everything in between. The defense hasn't been created that can stop Amare Stoudemire, Steve Nash, Shawn Marion, and Boris Diaw at the same time. This is a potential top-10 team historically.

*I look forward to hearing how inaccurate and erroneous this preview will be in April.

Bowlerside: NBA Preview according to "Snatch"

Miami Heat (42-40)

BORIS - Heavy is good. Heavy is reliable. If it doesn't work, you can always hit him with it.

Here's all I'm saying... Shaquille O'Neal is entering his 16th NBA season. That's 16 Shaq years - getting hacked in the lane, playing late into the playoffs, doing his own stunts in Kazaam. Those years will wear on you and, over time, it will start to show. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar had a well-documented decline from dominance after his 15th season. Russell and Chamberlin never made it to a 15th season. It's a given that Shaq is going to miss at least 20 games and the fact remains - this is a very defensible team without him on the floor. Alonzo Mourning was born in 1970 and has a transplanted kidney. That leaves Mark Blount and Udonis Haslem in the frontcourt. It looks like a fantasy hoops team from waiver wire hell. I like Haslem though. He's a throwback Horace Grant, so... you know... RESPECT.

Dwyane Wade is the man. He is still easily a Top 5 NBA player despite losing in the first round of the playoffs last year (he was playing through injuries and it was all too apparent). What concerns me is Smush Parker, Jason Williams, Ricky Davis and Dorell Wright being considered your "glue guys". I mean, those guys are ALL-right. I'm just having a hard time seeing any of them making the jump which is what this team needs. The funny thing is on paper, this lineup actually looks halfway compelling (hell, Penny Hardaway is even making a cameo appearance) but things just don't look right. It's like a sitcom that should have wrapped it up a couple of years ago and now the writers are killing it with convoluted storylines, hackneyed gimmicks and a shameless procession of new guest stars. In this example, Pat Riley will play the role of Mr. Belding.



Portland Trailblazers (32-50)


MICKY - Ya bought it as you saw it.
TOMMY - Sorry Mickey, just give us our money back and you can keep the caravan.
MICKY - Why would I wanna caravan with no fuckin wheels?

I think the Trailblazers are going to be very good... just not this season. Portland, with the first overall pick of this summer's draft, selected a little known center from Ohio State named Greg Oden. I believe that his recently reported season ending knee surgery, while a major roadblock for the franchise, will pay off handsomely for "Greg Oden: The Man". He'll have a year to contemplate the NBA and grow as a student of the game. The expectations and direct comparisons to fellow draft standout Kevin Durant have greatly evaporated into a forgotten pub argument. I believe, with Oden's extra year, Portland will be a better team in the long run as strange as that seems. They have an talented young core consisting of Brandon Roy, Jarrett Jack, Channing Frye and LaMarcus Aldridge which I think should keep them in the playoff picture for the next couple of years (even in a loaded Western Conference). I think the major question here concerns Nate McMillan, who hasn't really distinguished himself yet as an NBA coach. The promise on the roster is also accompanied with fairly large question marks which McMillan must address... Will Martell Webster's ceiling be as high as his preternatural athleticism might dictate? Can Steve Blake and James Jones be relevant... like, ACTUALLY relevant? Does Josh McRoberts really have ladyparts? Basically, there's a lot up in there air.

:::Snatch Aside::: My favorite part of this scene is the way Mickey jumps up from his seat as Gorgeous George approaches when the first trace of hostility arrives regarding the "cavavan with no fuckin wheels". It's so naturalistic, believable and utterly perfect for the character. After that moment, I believed everything Mickey did. It was like Pitt let you know early in this movie, "You're about to see something else."


Atlanta Hawks (35-47)

BOXING PATRON - Thanks for the tip, Bricktop!
BRICKTOP - Listen you fuckin fringe, if I throw a dog a bone I don’t wanna know if it tastes good or not. You stop me again whilst I’m walking and I’ll cut your fuckin jacobs off. [slices boxing patron and walks out]

It's been eight lonely seasons since Atlanta has been in the postseason (longest in the NBA), so I'm pretty comfortable calling them "fringe". In the past ten years, they have dutifully become the Eastern Conference's version of the LA Clippers with a glut of lottery picks and conspicuous lack of success. Here are their last four lottery picks: Al Horford (2007 - 3rd), Shelden Williams (2006 - 5th), Marvin Williams (2005 - 2nd), Josh Childress (2004 - 6th). I know that hindsight is 20/20, but with those very same picks they could have nabbed Brandon Roy, Chris Paul and Loul Deng. They swooped up Acie Law IV who is going to be the truth, but that's the problem... They have too many young swing guys playing the same position. They look like a better pick-up basketball team than an NBA squad. However, I do think Horford will be a very solid NBA player with the skills he has for his size, but there are just too many question marks. Joe Johnson and Josh Smith are the faces of this organization, which means that 98% of the country can't pick your biggest stars out of a lineup. That's not to say that they can't ball, which they can, especially Johnson (25 ppg, 4.4 apg, 4.2 rpg). What I am saying is that it's hard to see them bringing it all together. What's different about this year than the seven previous? How are you going to compete when Zaza Pachulia, Speedy Claxton and Tyronn Lue are averaging more than 25 minutes per game? Who is Mike Woodson? Did anyone know that Woodson has been coaching the Hawks for the past three years? My head hurts.

Here's the bottom line, with every passing year it's getting more and more difficult to watch Dominique Wilkins on Spud Webb on ESPN Classic. My cognitive dissonance won't allow me to associate "Atlanta Hawks" with "Playoff Team" and I start jumping to outlandish conclusions... There has been a rift in the space/time continuum, black is white, up is down and my television is broadcasting "classic" Atlanta Hawks basketball!!!! This is usually the point when I draw all the shades, crawl into the corner and wait for something normal to happen... it rarely does.



Houston Rockets (51-31)

VINNY - I thought you said he was a getaway driver? What the fuck can he get away from, eh?!?

I think the Yao Ming story is a fascinating one. In the past five years, Yao has transformed himself into an absolute box score monster. Last year he averaged 25 ppg (.516 FG%), 9.4 rpg, 2bpg while missing 34 games. The year before that he was good for 22.3 ppg (.519 FG%), 10.2 rpg, 1.6 bpg while missing 25 games. Those are All-Star numbers, but what those numbers don't say about Yao is that he's a nice, unassuming man who enjoys playing basketball, relaxing with a marginal amount of PS3, starting a family with his extremely tall wife and eating homemade Chinese cuisine. His numbers have been respectable in the playoffs, but he's not the Alpha Dog that Houston so desperately needs. Someone who can flip a switch and elevate his game, be ruthless if need be, and lead an emotionally charged surge of momentum into a hard-fought road game against a bitter foe. Now, some of this blame rests on Tracy McGrady if we're going to be completely accurate. He's been trying to getaway from the 1st round his entire career while putting up Kobe numbers. That's a pretty big matzah ball right there. They've had two 50 win seasons together and forced two first round Game 7's in both those years (Dallas in 2005 and Utah in 2007). So the big question is... has anything changed? The answer is plenty.

They've got an upgrade at coach (Rick Adelman), a two-time Spanish League MVP (Luis Scola), three scoring point guards to spread the floor (Mike James, a renewed Steve Francis and rookie Aaron Brooks), a back-from-injury Bonzi Wells, And1 baller Skip-To-My-Lou (Rafer Alston) coming off a down year... Add that to Yao, McGrady and Shane Battier (Dukies love taking charges) and you've got another 50 win team. Will they make it past the first round this year? If it means Dikembe "Who wants to sex" Mutombo will have one last chance to dance, then I'm all for it.



Sacramento Kings (35-47)

BRICKTOP - Is he fucking stoned?
TURKISH - He’s like that before a fight.


Ron Artest is an all time favorite of mine. He was on my fantasy team (along with Jermaine O'Neal) the year "The Malice at the Palace" went down. There really is no comparison to the sensations you have when the small forward you drafted in the 4th round jumps into the stands and starts swinging at fans. Moments later, your 1st overall pick knocks out a blitzing Pistons fan. It's a truly special fantasy sports moment. Amazingly enough, I somehow managed to win that league (and by "somehow" I mean LeBron James).

Let's have a look-see at this lineup: Artest, Mike Bibby, Brad Miller, Shareef Abdur-Rahim... My mind keeps thinking, "this would have been a helluva team in 2003" and that's really the crux of the case. Kevin Martin is just a smaller version of Rashard Lewis, which isn't damning as long as Martin can learn to start filling up other columns on the box score besides points. Mikki Moore jumps into the fray after cashing in on his career year. Seriously, where did this guy come from? Has anyone ever made the jump after their 9th season? It seems like lottery pick Spencer Hawes could go either way... Kenny Thomas and Francisco Garcia are a serviceable backup frontcourt... I just don't know. As of right now, factoring in 3.5 Artest meltdowns, I'm going with 35 wins. On a related note, the Maloof Brothers just bought property behind the Great Wall. On the good side! Eh, you're all right!



LA Clippers (32-50)

SOL - No, it's a moissanite.
BAD BOY LINCOLN - A what-a-nite?
SOL - A moissanite is an artificial diamond, Lincoln. It's Mickey Mouse, man. Spurious. Not genuine. And it's worth... Fuck-all.

Remember the 2006 playoffs when the Lakers got up 3-1 against the Suns in the first round and everyone was buzzing about a possible LA Lakers/LA Clippers Conference Semis? That might have been the high point for Clippers basketball in our lifetime. If the Suns hadn't comeback to win that series, the Clippers would have beaten the Lakers soundly in the much anticipated Angeles matchup. I'm convinced of that much. However, reality set in, the Suns took their place in the Western Conference Finals and the Clippers have been in a nosedive ever since. Since 1976, they've made the playoffs a total of four times, only making it out of the first round once (2006). Read that sentence again. I dare you.

I think God (or whatever sports watching higher being exists) was just fucking with us when he bestowed upon the Clippers a 47 win season. Luckly for us, that hallucination is over and it's business as usual. Elton Brand is out for the season. They locked up Chris Kaman to a $55 million/5year contract (whew, I thought he might walk). Tim Thomas somehow wrangled a $24 million/4 year deal even though he's never technically had a prime. Shaun Livingston is returning from that made-for-youtube injury and it's becoming painfully obvious that the "he sees the court like Magic Johnson" talk needs to stop. Sam Cassell is starting to show his age. Corey Maggette and Cuttino Mobley are nice players, but not world beaters able to carry a team. My prediction... irrelevant by Groundhogs Day.



Orlando Magic (44-38)

BRICKTOP - I don’t care if he’s Mohammed Imad Bruce Lee. You can’t change fighters.
TURKISH - Look, you've still got your fight.
BRICKTOP - No, I lose all bets to the bookies, you can't change fighters at the last minute so no, I don't have my fight do I? You fucking prat!

My favorite sports related saga of the summer? That's easy, Billy Donovan's unnecessary crisis of the heart. Once the media started covering this story, part of me was sympathetic to his difficult decision while another part of me was thinking, "What a grand-standing blowhard". I know this doesn't really have anything to do with the Orlando Magic as it stands right now, but what the hell was that all about? It had never previously occurred to me that life changing choices could be mulled over, slept on, decided upon, signed on the dotted line and later rescinded because you had a darling story about how you woke up the next morning and thought, "What have I done!?" Hey Bill, you signed a contract for millions of dollars to coach the Orlando Magic yesterday, now get up and make some coffee.

That being said, I think the Orlando Magic are ready to crawl out of that 3rd place in the Southeast Division rut they've been in for the last three years. I think they'll finish... 2nd in the Southeast Division behind the Wizards. Interesting team though, maybe a year away.



Detroit Pistons (48-34)

SOL - We have GOT to get rid of these bodies. That one over there with the tea cosy on his head is starting to stink.


The Detroit Pistons are old and getting older. Chauncey Billups is entering his 11th season. Antonio McDyess is entering his 12th season. Rasheed Wallace is entering his 13th season. They only have one true center on their roster (Nazr Mohammed) who lost his job to Chris Webber late last season and hardly logged any time in the playoffs. Last year, the closest thing they had to a deadeye long distance shooter was Tayshaun Prince (.386 3P%) which is respectable but hardly a game planning nightmare. Richard Hamilton, who is still lingering in his prime, is their best offensive player even though he's most effective off the ball, rolling off screens and spotting up. I like Flip Murray, but at this point he's almost exclusively a complimentary player.

They shocked the world (and the Lakers) in 2004 to win the championship. They raced out of the gates in 04-05 and achieved a stellar record, but wore out their starters during the season and fizzled against the Heat in the conference semis. The 05-06 campaign was efficient, injury-free and once again built on seasoned team defense... but the playoffs really marked the sign of the times. It took them three series-clinching games to finally finish off the precocious Bulls and then got bounced by LeBron and the Cavaliers in the first "changing of the guard" moment in the Eastern Conference since MJ hung up his red jersey in 1998. Bottomline, the Pistons look like they are getting 7% worse every year (a totally accurate statistic) while the Cavs and Bulls are gaining momentum. Jason Maxiell and Amir Johnson are a testament to GM Joe Dumars ability to identify buried talent in a NBA draft landscape filled with ritzy names that often disappoint, but I have a feeling the last hurrah for this edition of the Bad Boys is closer than previously thought.



LA Lakers (41-41)

TURKISH - You show me how to control a wild fuckin’ gypsy and I’ll show you how to control an unhinged, pig feeding gangster!

Kobe Bryant and Phil Jackson have more needless and idiotically dramatic soundbites than an Oprah Winfrey Summit on Hip Hop (sexist and misogynistic lyrics! says who!?!). Instead of a room full of white women shaking their heads at Damon Dash and Russell Simmons and nodding with Oprah, we're privy to the most tiresome sports melodrama since... well, Shaq and Kobe. Don't get me wrong, Kobe is nothing short of the greatest player in the game right now. "Half-man, half-amazing," as Nas would say. Also, I will always hold a special place in my heart for Phil Jackson and the tremendous job he did with the Bulls in the 1990's. But Jeeeeeeeeeeeesus, we need to get this reoccurring headline out of the papers. Kobe isn't happy, Jerry Buss isn't happy, Phil isn't happy... That's it. It's tiresome and actually distracts people from the real issue which is that this team is AWFUL. Let's break'em down:

Lamar Odom is a good NBA player. There's one. Luke Walton plays hard, passes the ball well and has improved every year since joining the league. Derek Fisher will steady the backcourt with Bryant and knock down some shots along the way. After that, things pick up some serious downhill momentum. Kwame Brown, Chris Mihm and Andrew Bynum patrol the paint. Vladimir Radmanovic and Sasha Vujacic are the token Euros who are really just warm bodies who fill 15 minutes per game. Brian Cook and Ronny Turiaf look like career benchwarmers and, if you put a gun to my head, I'd probably rather have The King and Duck on my team. And let's be honest, it's never a good sign when fictional basketball players who sell out on every ball fake are starting to look like serviceable alternatives.



Charlotte Bobcats (40-42)

VINNY - What the fuck do you mean Replicas?
SOL - They look the shit, don't they? And nobody is going to argue. And I've got some extra loud blanks just incase.
VINNY - Oh, incase we have to deafen them to death!

The Bobcats have been in existence for 4 years and are stealthily ascending the NBA ranks. They won 18 games their first season, 26 in their second and 33 in their third. It's entirely feasible, with the offseason acquisitions they've made, that this will be the year they win 40 games and sneak into the Eastern Conference playoffs. Gerald Wallace and Jason Richardson make up the most underrated scoring combo in the league. Wallace is slasher while Richardson is a better perimeter shooter, both can rebound and play defense. If Emeka Okafor can stay healthy and Raymond Felton can become the undisputed floor general, then this young core of players could vie for the Southeast Division with the Magic for years to come. The injuries to Sean May and Adam Morrison will hurt, well, May missing significant time will hurt. Sharp shooters like Matt Carroll and Walter Herrmann will stretch the floor for Primoz Brezec and ACC Player of the Year Jared Dudley. But let's be completely honest, the only reason I'm so unabashedly optimistic is because I know MJ, as a minority owner, has veto powers and I will always - ALWAYS - follow that man.


Dallas Mavs (59-23)

TURKISH - There's a gun in your trousers. What is a gun doing in your trousers?
TOMMY - It’s for protection.
TURKISH - Protection from what? Ze Germans?

Calm down everyone. Dirk Nowitzki is still the reigning MVP. The Mavericks are still fresh off a 67 win season and one season removed from a Finals appearance. When there is a colossal upset in the playoffs, people immediately jump to the conclusion that the favorite choked. While I understand that the playoffs is where you stake your claim to basketball immortality, I think it’s a little melodramatic to start wringing our hands and talking about blowing this team up. Josh Howard was a beast in the ACC and he’s a beast now. Why wasn't he a lottery pick? I don’t think I’ll ever know. Any team with those two guys in the frontcourt should be in just about any game. Jason Terry, Jerry Stackhouse and Devin Harris comprise a worthy backcourt that plays well within the system Avery Johnson uses. DeSagana Diop and Erick Dampier aren't your first choice for beefy bodies to clog the lane, but they go a good job of filling minor roles and miraculously don't spike themselves with regular frequency. The Mavericks have a deep bench filled with intriguing young pups, many of who have familiar names that make you think, "Oh yeah, that guy". Maurice Ager (MSU), Brandon Bass (LSU), Nick Fazekas (Nevada) and Pops Mensah-Bonsu (George Washington) are some names I'll be intently watching as the season moves along. All in all, I expect them to rebound from last years playoff snafu... which reminds me...



Golden State Warriors (46-36)

BRICKTOP - Do you know what Nemesis means? [Vinny, Sol and Lincoln are silent] A righteous infliction of retribution manifested by an appropriate agent. Personified in this case by a horrible cunt.... Me.

Don Nelson sent the double-barrel middle fingers to Dallas this past spring with that historic Cinderella win against his old team. The David and Goliath plotline played out nicely, but what's even more significant is that the Warriors have had a mini-renaissance over the past two years. Baron Davis, when healthy, is about the best there is at point guard. Monta Ellis took the first steps to NBA star status, now he just has to grow on it (he's still only 22 years old). Al Harrington and Stephen Jackson remain light-years ahead of Mike Dunleavy and Troy Murphy. Mickael Pietrus, Matt Barnes and Andris Biedrins are solid hustle guys, still young, still hungry, still fighting for minutes. Rookie Brandon Wright looks to contribute immediately in a wide open system that rewards pressing and atheism. All told, this year could prove to be Nelly's biggest middle finger ever. Stay Tuned.


Minnesota Timberwolves (29-53)

BRICKTOP - What do you think, Errol?
ERROL - I think we should drip-dry'em, gov'nah... While we've got the chance.
BRICKTOP - It was a rectorial question, Errol. What have I told you about thinking?

It's official, GM Kevin McHale's gangly self has slammed his head into one too many door frames. Not long after the All-Star break last year, the T'Wolves started marketing season tickets for the upcoming year with the tagline, "Blueprint for the Future". That's even worse than the 2002 Bulls pitch "Through Thick and Thin". Management is basically telling the fans that the present is going to be painful, but buy some season ticket packages... who knows? Well, I do. Minnesota is going to suck for a good long time. Garnett should have been traded after the 2005 season when demand was at its absolute highest and the cap room could have been helped the most. That opinion notwithstanding... let's do some math:

2007/08 Timberwolves = Crappy 2006/07 Celtics - Paul Pierce - Delonte West - Wally Szczerbiak - Mark Blount +Antoine Walker + Michael Doleac + Randy Foye

Blueprint for the Future!


Toronto Raptors (44-38)

COUSIN AVI - I don't like leaving my own country, Doug, and I especially don't like leaving it for anything less than warm sandy beaches and cocktails with little straw hats.
DOUG THE HEAD - We've got sandy beaches...
AVI - So? Who the fuck wants to see 'em?

I think the Raptors are a refreshing team. Great balance. Great European talent. I like the quiet, humble superstar surrounded by capable (even exceptional) role players. It all adds up. Chris Bosh is a special player, unique for his team first virtues. I forsee a decade of memorable matchups between Dwight Howard and Bosh in the playoffs. ESPN Classic-style. I remember when the Bulls drafted Hinrich ahead of TJ Ford, I was visibly shaken. Captain Kirk ended up working out nicely, but the gap between the two isn't as great as you'd think. TJ Ford can play this game.

---time gap---

It's funny because I just had my fantasy draft between that paragraph and this one. I took Bosh, Ford, Bargnani and Garbajosa. Talk about the power of suggestion.


Chicago Bulls (50-32)

TURKISH -You take sugar?
BRICKTOP - No thanks, Turkish. I'm sweet enough.

I'll keep it short and sweet with my Bulls. There are a lot of pundits out there in SportsWorld that see the Chicago Bulls rising up and overcoming this year. I don't want to go there yet, but what I am willing to say is that I have faith in the front office to make us better each and every year. GM John Paxton has earned my trust. So too has coach Scott Skiles. If we make the mid-season deal for Pau Gasol or even if we don't, I'm completely optimistic that smart basketball men are behind those moves (or non-moves). These Bulls are a fun ticket almost every night - they play the passing lanes, they shoot the ball, they play stifling defense. I'm not quick to anoint them nor am I quick to exalt them, but I'm ready to see what they can do. This seed was planted during the 2004-05 season and I have watched it bloom ever since. It's my hope that come May, I’ll have a reason to stomp my feet again... And that's good enough for me.